Credit: Lifetime TV Photo: Abby Lee Hugs Maddy

The girls of Dance Moms certainly had some misfortunes in Texas last week, from Maddy’s shocking fall to Kendall’s costume drama. But in this week’s episode (Season 2, Episode 7) Abby Lee has worked her magic because Jill seems just delighted to be at the studio, and Maddy’s injury has healed right up. On to the pyramid of doom!

Our favorite tiny dancer, Mackenzie, is in the bottom spot. Abby says, “You went from first to worst in one routine. You always have to keep working.” The girls and moms make sad faces on behalf of their littlest lady.

Next is Nia, and really, poor Nia. She overcame a frickin’ panic attack before dancing her butt off last week with no complaints, and she can never move up the pyramid. We have yet to see her even reach the middle.

Kendall is next, and we’re going to take a moment not to elaborate on Jill’s first whine of the episode. The last spot on the bottom goes to star tinkerbell (and Matthew Crawley-esque injury reverser), because “You made that mistake,” says Abby. That mistake being Maddy nearly dying for dance.

Chloe and Brooke are in the middle, because they’re simply good dancers. And wonderful first-time top spot holder Paige wins!

Abby announces that this week’s competition is major because it’s the Hollywood Vibe event, and it’s taking place in their backyard: legendary, picturesque Pittsburgh. Another major thing is that the girls will be dancing with guns to a group number called Private Eye. Weird and wonderful, just like Dance Moms. Abby explains to us: “Every so many years I do some kind of Dick Tracy private eye, Charlie’s Angels routine…but I wanted something a little edgier.” Like 10-year-olds carrying weapons and pointing them at the audience.

Well, of course the Moms are upset, and they gather to passive aggressively complain with that “I’m just sayin’” type of repressed rage. “I do think we have some standards here,” says Holly, brimming over with fury.

Cue: Jill’s second whine. Why doesn’t Kendall have a special part? And more importantly, what can she spend money on this week to convince Abby that Kendall is the most important person in the whole entire world who should be winning everything and the best? Kelly, thank goodness for her, tells her, “Watch your tires.”

But she doesn’t! She drives her tires to the local hardware store and shows up at the studio the next day with her gay husband to deliver what can only be described as a bargain-rate bench with a glued-on piece of goldplate saying, “For Abby Lee, From Jill and Kendall.”

Oh, the Moms are angry now. The bench instigates a truly offensive spat of insults between Christi (“You’re a conniving bitch. Diva, table for one.”) and Jill (“You don’t get out much. But we know that.”) which turns into the mother of all Mom fights.

But first, we must (yes, unfortunately, we must) focus the spotlight on one very important and horrifying moment. As Abby illustrates a dance move for the girls, and stares down the wall over her shoulder, Christi points out this abhorrent thought: “Is that Abby’s sexy, come-hither look?” We die a little inside.

But back to the Mom fight. Jill had already poisoned that day’s rehearsal with her insipid bench of sadness. So when Abby gets on Paige’s butt about her performance in the trio rehearsal, it’s Kelly’s turn to interject. Kelly yells at Abby, “She’s not a professional! She’s a little 10-year-old in a dance class!” Paige helps her mother’s case by whimpering, “I don’t like when she yells at us.” As for Abby? “Was I being politically correct? No! Was I furious? Yes!”

Chloe starts crying next, so when Christi plays protective Momma Bear, Abby yells at her, “Grow up!” Christi’s ingenious response: “No, you grow up!” Abby: “I made her!” Christi: “Were you pregnant for nine months? I made her!” Kelly pipes in: “You’re like, the definition of disrespectful.”

As usual, Abby gets the last words in, and man are they a doozy: “White trash!” Eek!

Credit: Lifetime TV Photo: Maddy From Dance Moms

The next day, we get to see the actual gun props in action during the group dance rehearsal. Maddy helpfully informs us that, “I know the difference between a fake gun and a real gun.” Chloe says, “Miss Abby said we’re using guns in the competition and that we’re going to blow the competition away. I hope she doesn’t mean it literally, because we could get disqualified.” That is so true, Chlo. Slightly less traumatic would be that pesky life sentence attached to the mass murder, but way to prioritize!

But no peaceful day at the studio could go unnoticed by Jill. You see, Jill is getting ready to have her third big whine. This time, she yells at Abby because Kendall is helping with the music during the trio’s rehearsal. “I’m so upset that Kendall is spending all of her precious dance time sitting on the floor.” So she yells at Abby: “I don’t pay tuition for her to be sitting out here on the floor. I want you to teach her to dance!”

The only real point of this whine is that Christi, up in the Moms balcony, said this about Jill: “She took her 1-900 voice off for Abby now.” Christi imitated Jill’s sex phone operator voice, and we got chills. In a terrible, terrible way.

Chloe’s solo is first, and she’s wearing lovely purple sparklies. We love how she falls on her knees just as the singer says “fall to my knees,” and Abby says, “Her emotional execution was the best I have ever seen it.”

Maddy’s solo is pretty fantastic as well, and she gets to wear blue sparklies. Such beautiful graceful spins! Melissa says, “When I see her on stage, all the blood, sweat and tears, it’s all worth it.” That’s almostcute.

Once again, we see the other dancers that aren’t Abby Lee students, and we cringe. Hip hop solos? Who are these maniacs?

The trio doesn’t fare as well as Maddy and Chloe’s solos did. “The spacing is off,” says Abby at the beginning, and she can barely watch the rest.

In the end, Chloe won 2nd place for intermediate solos, Maddy won 1st place, and the trio won 2nd place. Then it was time for the guns. They looked, admittedly, fantastic. Even the anti-gun Moms are loving every synchronized moment. And, satisfactorily, they win 1st place! Sadly they don’t win anything in the overall performance category, which means Jill’s fourth whine is on its way.

While Abby eats crow and congratulates the girls for a job well done, Jill decides to yell. Because if there is one thing Jill knows how to do (besides making a few bucks with her “900 voice”), it’s scream her oddly immobile face off.

“Maybe if you did more group turns, made it more dynamic. I know for a fact Kendall wasn’t used to her fullest potential.” Abby slowly burns with righteous anger, getting ready to strike. Instead, we are treated to a juicy preview for next week, where Kendall is placed…back on Probation! Cue the whining.

Catch an all-new Dance Moms on Tuesday, February 28 at 9 p.m. ET on Lifetime.

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