Fact: There are only two more episodes left of Teen Mom.
Fact: We are currently curled up in the fetal position crying.
These last few episodes of our favorite show need to be celebrated in true Teen Mom style, so please arrange the following items on top of your body pillow: chicken Alfredo, motocross toys, discarded nose rings, ink (in case you're inspired to prison tattoo "Free Amber" across your stomach), and Uggs. Congrats, you're officially ready to embark into the great unknown.
Farrah Asks Daniel To Marry Him, He Almost Passes Out
The higher the hair, the closer to god, y'all! This week, Farrah leaves Sophia in The Sunshine State to go on a sexcation with her hunky new boyfriend, Daniel, and what goes down will live forever in the Teen Mom annals. And in our nightmares, if we're honest.
After staring at a huge fleet of bats (no, seriously — Daniel and Farrah make out while watching bats attack one another), our favorite misguided couple head to dinner with Daniel's dad. As you might expect, Farrah ends up word-vomming all over herself about making babies and getting married, and she also manages to tell Daniel's stepmom that her uterus is old and dried up. Sigh, girl.
Farrah and Daniel are adorbs and all, but let's not forget that they've only been dating for a month and a half. Whoa, has it been that long? Daniel better pop the question before Farrah morphs into a barren spinster!
This wedding-obsessed momma can't wait to shackle Daniel to her ring finger, and she straight-up asks him to propose during a romantic paddle boating session. Yeehaw! Sadly, Daniel is completely traumatized and ends up having to flee into the wilds of Austin, leaving Farrah on her lonesome. Looks like this gal's teenage dream ended. Get it?
Maci and Dalis Get Into a Twitter Catfight!
Maci is going through all sorts of ch-ch-ch-ch-changes thanks to a new house, a new degree, and a new love for giant oversized t-shirts, and her baby daddy Ryan has been shockingly supportive. Until now. Ryan and his adorable girlfriend, Dalis, are getting closer than ever, but it looks like she has a major case of the jellies.
Here's what goes down: Maci makes the mistake of tweeting that life would be easier for Bentley if she and Ryan had stayed together, Dalis flips her weave in a rage, and then Ryan sends Maci the following tweet: "Maci just get over the fact that we will never get together, I f--king hate you and if you try to f--k with my relationship again I will f--k with yours." Yikes, Ryan. What's with all the rage? In the words of our favorite '60s protest song, "War, what is it good for?"
Luckily, these estranged parental units patch things with a real talking session (wherein Ryan chews tobacco and spits everywhere), and they even manage to be cordial about Bentley's upcoming birthday. Awwww, see? Ryan's a great guy — despite the occasional manmotional breakdown.
Amber Moves Out of Her Love Shack
Oh, Amber. Watching this gal navigate teen mommyhood is always painful (even more painful than a dermal piercing) and it doesn't look like rehab has done the trick when it comes to her anger issues.
Amber and Gary just can't get along about their baby gal's schedule, and when Amber ditches her hang-time with Leah to look for houses, Gary flips out all over his organic vegetable garden. Sob, can't these two just get along?
Despite the fact that Gary controls when and where Amber sees Leah, she's determined to make a good life for her daughter. This means Amber needs to pack up her swag and move into a new house where her baby gal can safely spend the night. You know, because her old house was vandalized by crazed Teen Mom stans.
We hate to see Amber so upset, but we're with Gary on this one. Poor Leah spends all day looking forward to seeing her momma, and it isn't fair for Amber to cancel plans — even if she has a legit reason. Let's just hope Ambs really will spend more time with Leah now that she has a new crib!
Catelynn and Tyler Take a Semester Off School, Remain Confused
Remember how Tyler threatened to break up with Catelynn if she didn't apply to school? So do we, and we're still ugly-crying about it.
Luckily, summer's almost over, which means Catelynn and Tyler's adventures in college are just around the corner. Girlfriend wants to be an adoption counselor and she needs a degree in Social Work, but the problem? She and Tyler are enrolled in a Human Services program. Nooooooooooo!
Thanks to their confuzzled degrees, Cate and Ty have to take a semester off school, and they're worried that Brandon and Teresa (the couple who adopted Carly) will judge them for putting off their education.
Tyler's determined to get his act together, so he and Cate meet up with some experts in the field for advice. The verdict? They can achieve their dreams with either Social Work or Human Services degrees, and they're officially signed up for winter classes. Tyler's fedora will be so happy!
In other news, Butch wasn't in this episode, which means we attached our clip-in mullet for nothing.