Juan Pablo Galavis The Bachelor Season 18, kicked off its two-night premiere on January 5, and the promo for the season packs a wallop. While ABC usually lets out a little tease that rabid fans can dissect into probable outcomes, this year’s is the most revealing one we’ve ever seen.

The nearly four-minute-long promo is below, but we’ll break it down for you moment to moment so you’ll know what’s going on, even if you’ve been doing something other than pouring over our complete The Bachelor 2014 spoilers. Which brings us to the obvious: If you don’t want to know what happens this season, we recommend you don’t watch this clip, and exit this article to go over here instead. Everyone on board? Good. Let’s do this.

0:06 - 0:10 All the Pretty Horses
Shots of waterfalls, horses running… It’s like a Fabio-covered novel come to life. And then he jumps off a building with Chelsie Webster. According to Reality Steve, the bungee jumping date takes place in Los Angeles on Episode 3, is followed by a concert, and ends with a rose.

0:11 - 0:19 Gangnam Style
Spliced dates are the m.o. for this video, so don’t get confused. That’s our job. The six girls who roll in to dance on stage in Seoul, South Korea are Chelsie, Danielle Ronco, Elise Mosca, Nikki Ferrell, Cassandra Ferguson, and Kat Hurd. On the date, the six girls and Juan Pablo dance for Korean pop group 2NE1 at a mall in Episode 4 (airing January 27).

Also shown in this segment is a photo shoot with what looks like Renee Oteri, which was either in the second episode’s group date in L.A. (where there was a photo shoot) or in South Korea, where Renee had a 1-on-1 consisting of some shopping, a custom dress, and the like. It seems it was the latter, since there’s also a shot of them having some Juan-on-Juan time watching fireworks.

0:20 - 0:23 On the Wings of Love
On the fourth to last episode of the season (Episode 7, for you keeping track), Juan Pablo takes Clare Crawley, Andi Dorfman, Renee Oteri, and Chelsie on a prop plane to a private island (thanks, RS).

Also in this clip is him being a dad, and champagne shaking at their soccer-themed date in Episode 3 in Carson, California.

0:24 - 0:32 A Bevy of Solo Time
Juan Pablo makes out with someone in what looks like the snow. Is it the winter wonderland he had created for Clare in Episode 2? We can’t really tell, but for some reason it looks like he’s shirtless. So, OK.

Nice hat, pal. He’s clearly having solo time with Andi, but whether it’s during their group date in Vietnam (which would explain the hat), or he just took that thing with him to their 1-on-1 in New Zealand, we’re not positive.

Next up is his 1-on-1 with Nikki in Vietnam (Episode 5) complete with cave diving and adventure galore.

Then, he makes out with Sharleen on a yacht in Miami (Episode 7) during their 1-on-1.

0:33 - 1:11 Filler
Clare thinks he’s romantic, he’s hanging on a mountain with Nikki, making out with Andi in a waterfall in New Zealand (Episode 6), everyone loves Juan Pablo, yadda yadda.

1:16 - 3:33 Drama, Drama, Drama
Making people cry, making out, and such. He kisses Nikki, Sharleen, girls get sad. Classic. Lucy Aragon gets topless, Chelsie cries, someone threatens to leave. Clare Crawley and Nikki Ferrell get fighty. That should be fun.

Kelly Travis says she has a bomb to drop.

Chantel Forrest cries.

Sharleen says it’s difficult to live like this; Clare says she doesn’t know what he’s thinking; and Andi feels a ton of different emotions.

Elise cries, Cassandra cries, and then Victoria — drunk in the bathroom and sobbing — says she wants to go home and wants Juan Pablo to die. So, that’s nice. And probably, hopefully, edited.

Some girl has “ruined the experience” for everyone. Could it be Nikki they’re talking about? Reality Steve says the pediatric nurse wins it all, but takes it down a dark road in the process.

Then Juan Pablo walks out of an interview.

Watch the video below, then tell us which moments stuck out most for you! Did we miss something you want to know more about? Tell us, and we’ll right that wrong for ya.

Tune in to watch The Bachelor on January 5 and 6 at 8 p.m. ET/PT for all the Juan Pablo drama you can handle — and much, much more!