Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney Photo: Juan Pablo and Elise Mosca at The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere Cocktail Party

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLA amigos and amigas! We're back, in front of the TV, drink in hand for the epic-ness that will be Juan Pablo Galavis's Season 18. There will be tears, there will be hair-pulling, there will be buses with girls flying under 'em... And that's just in our office Bachelor pool. But most of all, there will be an "aventura" featuring the 32-year-old single soccer-playing papa and his bevy of beauties. 

We've heard some words about what's going to happen, seen some video footage of some truly awkward intros, and are preparing our mind minefields for what's to come. Are you ready for this? You think you are, but you have no idea. This is the true life story of... oops, wrong show! So, pour yourself a glass of sparkling water (to take the wine stains off your carpet, natch), grab a pencil to jot down the valuable knowledge these lady loos are gonna drop into your Match.com profile, and let's do this thing. 

WHO-an PAH-blo, we're coming for you! One egg short of a frittata, ovaries intact. 

Part 1: Bienvenidos a Miami y Los Angeles

Juan Pablo has a great life, full of neon shirts and pastel pants and a child that is too cute to be true. Hopefully when little Camila grows up, she'll learn to use fire responsibly, and can light Juan Pablo's questionable henley shirts on fire. 

He talks a little bit about Camila's mom, but if you saw her, and you were a contestant, wouldn't you just quit? Never fear, though, because JPG wants to pop out too more kids, like, yesterday. So, gird your loins, because it's time for babytown. 

And nothing says "I'm ready for this new life" like living with your parents during the process, right Juan Pablo? To be fair, he's got Camila in tow, so he brought his folks to take care of her. Dang it, JP: you win again.  

Part 2: Juan Pablo Thinks Journey Sucks

Juan Carlos. Er, Juan Pablo talks about how bad he is with names. To, what's that's guy's name? Oh, Sean Lowe. That's right, and while Sean remembered names just fine, he seems to have forgotten his socks. Not a great look, pal, and we can't believe Catherine let that slide. 

Sean talks about being on a journey, and we're a little in love with him when he says that the word "journey" isn't really his things. Finally. Somewhere, Chris Harrison is weeping into a pocket square.

"Make sure that if you kiss someone, the other girls don't see." Ahh, playground wisdom at its best. Juan Pablo says he's a masterdater and he's used to doing it in groups. So, he's pretty much set.

Sean tells a heartwarming story about skunk spraying and tomato juice and falling in love at 2 a.m. Oh, buddy, we've been there... If by "there," you mean axe body spray and spilled red wine, that is...

 

Part 3: Human Body Art

It's time for the packaged looks at these hotties, and let's see what we've got. 

First off, Chelsie Webster is learning Spanish, and that's awesome, but she's going in all the wrong directions. Who cares how to say "love" when you could be learning how to say things like "ditch that crazy girl" and "pants off dance off." Get it together. 

Renee Oteri is a hot single mom. Done. 

Amy Jokinen, well, she seems totally stable. Moving on. 

Andi Dorfman is a prosecutor with hair tips of gold. 

Nikki Ferrell is a hot nurse. A kid nurse. She's beautiful. Good luck, everyone else.  

Lauren Higginson, meanwhile, looks like she's auditioning for a Nicholas Sparks film adaptation, with her story of broken hearts and a d-bag fiancé. Poor kid. Buck up, at least you don't have split ends. 

As for Val Eredia, she might be the first contestant for our private girl gang. She's got a bow and arrow and she seems terrifying, which makes us like her the most already. 

Dang it, Lacy Faddoul, just when we're prepared to talk to you about your regular bra and racerback tank combo error, you have to go and be a perfect person? This girl runs an elderly care facility and has a family full of developmentally disabled siblings.

Are you sobbing yet? Well, when Clare Crawley talks about her dad dying from brain cancer and the DVD he made for her future husband to watch, you'd better put your wine cooler to your lips for dear old pa. Like, we want to be snarky about something, but how can we be? Next!

Part 4: He Never Can Say Goodbye, Boy

Limo arrivals are here. Amy Long looks even more like a Disney princess than she acts, with over-exaggerated movements and talk of the sun setting. 

It's a good thing poor Cassandra Ferguson is so hot, because there aren't enough "holy moly"s in the world to make this less awwkard. 

Is Christy Hansen going to a wedding themed prom later? Someone should probably tell her that her dress is...  

Meanwhile, Nikki Ferrell wants Juan Pablo to know her heart is being fast, Kat Hurd smells really good and JPG isn't shy about saying it. Also, how much wine is served in the limo, because Victoria Lima kind of stumbles out and directly into Juan. She might be really drunk, because she can't seem to speak English. JK she's from Brazil and she's all about sharing that with our Spanish-speaking main man. Cute strategy. The yellow brocade dress though? Hard pass. 

Lauren Solomon, aka the little engine that almost couldn't, shows up on a piano bike and misses a note and fumbles her words, but is somehow still the cutest. 

Juan Pablo's ADD kicks in, and he runs inside just to say hi and get Lauren's name. Like he's going to remember.  

Oh no, Chelsie. The science-loving gal does a cute little shtick that would've shtuck with anyone else, but Juan Pablo is mostly just confused. "Let's just have chemistry." His mouth smiles but his eyes forget to smize. Tyra would be so disappointed right now. 

Elise Mosca also smells good, in case you were wondering. Ashley Poe sounds like she's been practicing her smoky eyes and smoky voice, because she shows up with both.  

Inside, the ladies are like "There's a lot of pretty ladies to choose from." Subtext: I thought you guys would be full-on Monets.  

Clare jokingly pretends to be prego. Let's hope she does as well as Lindsay Yenter did after her nuts stunt last year with the wedding dress. No baby, but Alli Restko just brings a ball. Amy J is there for him, OK, guys? For Juan Pablo. If it was someone else, she wouldn't be there for Juan Pablo. 

Kelly Travis seems like she was paid to be here, since she has a dog and she's like "Oh hey, cool talk, man, bye I'm going to go see about a dog." 

The rest of the girls are fine. We need more wine. #poetry.

Oh, who's that girl, Sharleen Joynt? She's on another level from these girls, know that. Andi and Juan Pablo get close and he's all charming until he's like "wait, what was your name?" 

Part 5: Your Heart, Boom Boom

The girls are stoked about Juan Pablo, but they're STOKED about the photo booth. Selfies for days and days. 

Nikki starts things off and says she just wants to look at him for a while. You and us both, girl. Juan Pablo forgets her name and says "your heart, boom boom." Which, we hope, becomes her nickname this season.

Lucy really lined things up for herself well, because she can throw her bare feet on him all day, as long as Amy keeps helping people look normal. Girl throws him down on her massage table and tells him he's a beautiful person and that she didn't imagine "rubbing him through his suit." That makes all of us. She says she sees "something in him that she could see for the rest of her life." That's called terror. 

Poor Lauren Higginson, she's getting her feelings all over the house, and she's taking Ashley Poe with her. She manages to pull it together when she talks to Juan Pablo, but there's really no recovering from laying it all on the table. We'll see how this goes, but Juan Pablo isn't helping her out any with his blank stares and terrified eyes.

Andi tells Juan Pablo she's a lawyer, and he continues his awkward conversation style, with his first reaction being, "Oh, you read a lotttt." They don't like to read. Hear that, kids? Reading is soooo not Bachelor

And speaking of awkward turn-ons, he is so turned on by talking about wieners with Sharleen — who thinks their connection is "a little forced" — that he can't help bringing her the first impression rose. Her reaction is priceless. "Seriously?" There are actual crickets when he offers the rose to her. Eventually, she takes it, calling him "Sir." 
 

Part 6: Don't Let the Door Hit You

Juan Pablo says that although he has to make the decisions based on his daughter, it's not that he doesn't like you. It's that he thinks his family will hate you and why are you even here? GET OUT ALREADY. 

Clare gets the first rose, because he loves pregnant ladies — real or imagined. Nikki is next, and probably not just because he created a "nurse Nikki. Nurse Nikki" strategy in his head to make sure he didn't forget. Renee and Andi are the next to get roses, because they're beautiful or they connected, or something. A bunch of other girls get roses, because, well, that's how this works. 

Molly the dog is the most nervous bitch there. Her owner, Kelly, is probs pretty nervous, too. But when Juan Pablo calls her name, he says Molly's too. This is gonna be awkward later when he forgets an actual person's name.  

Beautiful Danielle Ronco gets a rose, followed by Chelsie. He calls Kat's name, and Kylie steps forward to get the rose. We would D-I-E. "Can you take both of us?" she asks. No, Kylie, he cannot. Step back in line. 

Lucy skips forward and hugs and twirls when she gets a rose. We get it, you're winsome. As for the final rose, there are still 10 gals waiting, each looking murdery. Kylie says what they're all thinking, "I'm going to throw up," but it's Amy Long who gets the final rose.  

One by one, the losers leave. Amy is emotional, which we totally didn't expect. "People don't always feel you the way you feel them." True, girl. True.

See you all next week!