Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney Photo: Amy Jokinen Massages Juan Pablo at The Bachelor Season 18 Premiere Cocktail Party

The Bachelor is back, as is our reason for living. This season is already off to a great start thanks to a strange and criminally insane group of women competing to grow Juan Pablo Galavis's children in their wombs, and the WTF-inducing moments are even more frequent than usual. To be honest, we were WTF-ing ourselves silly at the mere sight of Chris Harrison, who seemed more-than-the-usual-amount of high on the flowering rose shrubs around him. With that in mind, check out the biggest head-scratchers of The Bachelor 18's season premiere!

1. ABC Refuses To Translate Juan Pablo

We know Juan Pablo speaks the language of love, and his deep thoughts sound even more amazing in Spanish, but unfortunately some fans don't understand him. And apparently ABC could only afford to subtitle this dude about 50 percent of the time, which means we spent most of the episode wishing we had been paying attention during high school Spanish. Help those of us who don't speak Juan Pablo's native language understand his gorgeous musings, ABC! Judging you.

2. Juan Pablo Gets Weird With Renee

We're feeling iffy about Juan Pablo's relationship with Renee Oteri. Apparently this lady has a kid much like Juan Pablo (TWINSIES!), and Juan Pablo insisted on calling her "mama" for the entire episode. The first time it happened we were like "awww cute," the second time we were like "....." and the third time we were like "Juan Pablo definitely thinks this lady is his mom and it's getting weird."

3. Amy J. Feels Up Juan Pablo, Fails To Be Arrested

So, apparently during the course of Juan Pablo's meet-n-greet, Amy Jokinen snuck out of Bachelor mansion, set up a massage table, and kidnapped Juan Pablo. That's the only plausible explanation for the fact that he ended up sprawled out on a platform while Amy sexplored his body with her hands. Also, approximately zero members of ABC's camera crew offered to save Juan Pablo from what can only be described as an act of terror.

4. Juan Pablo Ruins Breakfast For Everyone

At this point we're used to Chris Harrison forcing his Bachelors to frolic around shirtless during the show's intro. It goes with the territory. However, Juan Pablo's shirtless frolicking was even more deranged than usual, in that Chris and his team of sadists forced him to pose with a tray of breakfast foods. It literally made zero sense, but Juan Pablo seemed excited and that's all that matters. We're just here to make Juan Pablo happy, guys. GIVE JUAN PABLO HIS EGGS.

5. Sharleen Hates Juan Pablo

Who else thinks Sharleen Joynt is a spy sent by Ready For Love (RIP) to ruin Juan Pablo's life? That's the only explanation for the fact that she was so mean to Juan Pablo after he gave her the first impression rose. Their conversation about weiners was so stimulating, we literally don't understand how she wasn't falling in love. Like, we immediately binge-ate a giant sausage after watching the episode. Whatever, haters in a fantasy suite to the left.

BONUS: Kylie Lewis stepping forward to accept Kat Hurd's rose. But that wasn't WTF so much as "please make it stop."