Juan Pablo Galavis' mission (should he choose to accept it, which he totally did) is to dive head-first into a sea of 27 single ladies and make one of them his future baby-chalice. It's going to be a rough road full of helicopter rides, slow dancing and performances from D-list bands, and dude needs help. That's where we come in!

Please join us as we rank the most powerful players from the jaw-dropping season premiere of The Bachelor 18, based on personality, ability to mother Juan Pablo's love children, and chance of winning his final rose!

Name: Renee Oteri

Ranking: 5

Pros: There's no way Renee won't make it to Juan Pablo's fantasy suites. This gal has a son, which means she has more in common with Juan Pablo than any of the other ladies. Plus, she and Juan Pablo call each other "Mommy and Papi," so they're already an old married couple.

Cons: Renee and Juan Pablo already seem so comfortable with each other! TOO COMFORTABLE. In fact, we're worried that there isn't enough spark in their relationship. Where's the excitement? Where's the adventure? Juan Pablo should probably push her off a skyscraper to heat things up, or this relationship could become staler than the cupcakes we're currently inhaling.

Name: Lucy Aragon

Ranking: 4

Pros: Despite the fact that she showed up barefoot, put her feet all over Juan Pablo, and is a self-described "free spirit" (bet she hangs out in Colorado a lot, just saying), Lucy managed to nab a rose. We like that she's completely unique (it definitely gives her an edge!), and we're hoping she'll encourage Juan Pablo to grow out his chest hair / forgo his brozilian waxes.

Cons: We fear that if Juan Pablo spends too much time with Lucy, he'll end up braiding hemp necklaces, tie-dyeing his own socks (if he even wears socks), and getting addicted to kale chips. He also might turn into a LARPER. Wait, sorry — why are these on the cons list? They are clearly pros.

Name: Andi Dorfman

Ranking: 3

Pros: This brunette bombshell is absolutely stunning, so it's no surprise that she's already wormed her way into Juan Pablo's heart. Also, her job is prosecuting gangsters, so hopefully she'll realize that Chris Harrison is a secret member of a gang and justice will finally be served.

Cons: We have nothing bad to say about Andi. Except for the fact that she told Juan Pablo, "I don't like to read that much." We don't have high hopes for their future children.

Name: Clare Crawley

Ranking: 2

Pros: Clare showed up to Bachelor Mansion sporting a fake baby bump. If she doesn't win this thing so that her fake baby bump can be replaced by a real baby bump, we'll be heartbroken. We're rooting for Clare because she isn't afraid to be herself and act crazy, which brings us to the cons.

Cons: You guys, it's possible that Clare is actually crazy. The orgasmic guttural noises that she made while exiting her limo are still haunting us, that's all we're saying. On a different note, it's also possible that Clare's desire to be pregnant will result in her being immaculately conceptioned at the mere sight of Juan Pablo's freshly waxed happy trail, so all previously discussed cons are basically rendered irrelevant.

Name: Sharleen Joynt

Ranking: 1

Pros: Sharleen seems relatively normal and she's super "wordly" thanks to her time spent avoiding wieners in Germany. Plus, Juan Pablo gave her the first impression rose, so she's already a cut above her competition! This sophisticated fashionista is definitely a top contender in the race to win Juan Pablo's heart, but there are a few problems….

Cons: Sharleen totally hates Juan Pablo. Oops!