El Bachelor has a rose between his teeth, a fresh coat of oil on his abs, and a new lease on life. His mission? To find a wife amongst a sea of extremely intelligent singletons, all of whom are high on their love for him. Like, even higher than his count of swimmers. This week, Juan Pablo Galavis finally got to known his First Wives Club on a deeper level, and you know what that means. It's time for one-on-one dates!

Not only did Juan Pablo go on a “winter wonderland” adventure with Clare Crawley, he went to Utah with Kat Hurd (presumably to worship the ground Jef Holm walks on, which we all must do in our lives), and then got to watch his contestants get peed on by a bunch of dogs during a group date. (Well, we assume so, anyway.) With that in mind, please huff a few roses and join us as we suit up, sit down, and talk about the nitty gritty of this week's episode.

Uno-on-Uno Numero Uno — Walking in a Winter Wonderland

This romantic date began with Juan Pablo blindfolding Clare. We fully expected him to lead her into some kind of sex dungeon and fasten himself into stirrups, but instead he drove her to a wintery fantasy land that probably took Chris Harrison's indentured servants months to make. All we know is that the snowmen surrounding Juan Pablo and Clare were begging for the sun to melt them, and we're pretty sure we saw a unicorn prance by and immediately slay itself on its own horn at the mere sight of Juan Pablo and Clare frolicking.

Of course, it wasn't long before Juan Pablo slipped off his shirt and slithered into a hot tub, which prompted Clare to tell him all about her dad's tragic death. This moved El Bachelor so much that he felt the need to make out with Clare, and then dance to the dulcet tones of Josh Krajcik. You know, Josh Krajcik? He's only our favorite world-famous singer-songwriter ever! And yes, Clare obviously got a rose — she's the perfect chalice for Juan Pablo's mini Juan Pablos!



Uno-on-Uno Numero Dos: It's Electric (Boogie-Woogie-Woogie)!

You know what's really romantic? Being forced to work out during a first date. Because nothing says "sexy" like dry-heaving, sweat, and face-planting onto the asphalt while a bunch of people trample you. Luckily, Kat happens to be the sporty type, which is why her surprise date with Juan Pablo at Salt Lake City's Electric Run was a total success. Sure, it was kinda weird when Juan Pablo made Kat slow-motion dance to house music, and it was kinda weird when they gyrated in front of an entire group of fangirls (read: Jef Holm's sister-wives), but all in all we give the date two thumbs up.

Despite the raw intensity of Juan Pablo and Kat's date (and the fact that we were clutching our pizza in horror at the mere thought of exercising), these two ended up super close to making out in public after Juan Pablo gifted Kat the rose, and we're pretty sure they're even more in love than we are with the thought of never participating in a run, like, ever. Maybe next time she'll get to exercise her body and mouth...



Doggy Style Group Date — Who Got the Rose?

We're really worried about Juan Pablo's state of mind. If the theme of his group date is any indication, he's entered a very dark and sinister place, and he could snap at any moment. You see, Juan's first attempt at a group date didn't involve repelling up a building or pushing ladies off cliffs like usual — it involved making his harem dress up as dogs and then pose with innocent puppies in some kind of furry LARPing experiment gone tragically wrong.

Not-so-surprisingly, all of Juan Pablo's contestants were weirded out by his canine fetish, especially Andi Dorfman and Elise Mosca, whose dog costumes were less "costumes" and more random pieces of board that barely covered their danger zones. Basically, this group date has ruined the entire concept of dogs for us. We can never look our furry friends again. By the way, Lucy "Free Spirit" Aragon offered to trade outfits with Elise, thereby robbing her of a chance to see Juan Pablo's man parts. This is what happens when you refuse to appear naked on national television, girl.

Anyway, Kelly Travis got the group date rose during Juan Pablo's after party, which went slightly better than his group date, by which we mean so much worse. Please see below for more on that good time.



Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

So, Victoria Lima suffered a psychotic drunken breakdown as a result of not getting to spend enough time with Juan Pablo during the group date, and she ended up wandering into the bathroom, curling up next to the toilet, and screaming "I DON'T GIVE A F—." That's when she wasn't busy air-humping the side of the hot tub, wandering aimlessly around the building while producer extraordinaire Elan Gale and his beard tried to calm her down, and telling everyone that she performed the "hymen maneuver" on Juan Pablo. We don't know what that is, but we're so happy Juan Pablo had the chance to experience it. Suffice it to say, dude sent Victoria packing, and his hymen hasn't been the same since.


Who Was Sent Home?

Aside from Victoria, who we assume was carted away to the nearest asylum, Juan Pablo had to say adios to both Amy Long and Chantel Forrest. Yep, both these ladies were deflowered, and were completely heartbroken upon being rejected. See you never, you poor, broken souls, you.


Quote of the Night

Juan Pablo muses: "I like to chill. Chilling."


Next Week on The Bachelor

Tune in for next week's all new episode of The Bachelor (airing Monday January 20 at 8p.m. ET/PT on ABC), where Juan Pablo will get wet-n'-wild on a one-on-one date Cassandra Ferguson, go bungee jumping on a one-on-one date with Chelsie Webster, and enjoy a group date to his home-away-from home, the soccer field!