We're still recovering from last night's episode of The Bachelor, in which we became unintelligibly drunk, wandered into a bathroom, ended up sobbing on the floor next to a toilet, and uttered the sentence "JUAN PABLO, I HOPE HE DIES." Oh wait, sorry, that was actually Victoria Lima. Sometimes we get confused and start thinking we're contestants on the show. Victoria's meltdown was just one delicacy in a feast of WTFs, and the time has come to take a walk down memory lane.
Also, you'll be relieved to know that Victoria did not actually kill Juan Pablo Galavis. Just, you know, in case you missed that part.
1. One of Juan Pablo's Contestants is a Dog
So, we all know how much Juan Pablo loves dogs. He loves them almost as much as he loves forcing women to dress up in sexy dog costumes, so it makes perfect sense that one of the residents of Bachelor Mansion is, in fact, a canine — and we’re not being facetious.
Though this pooch has yet to get a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo, she can been seen frolicking around the pool (read: drowning while literally no one helps her), peeping out from windows in despair because none of her fellow competitors understand her plight, and peeing on Chris Harrison's rose shrubs. Basically, she’s our favorite girl in the house so far. Sorrynotsorry.
2. Lucy is a Straight-Up Nudist
In case you'd forgotten, Lucy Aragon is a free spirit. And she freed her "spirit" (read: boobs) all over Bachelor Mansion while everyone was just all "AHHHHH, the only nipples we want to see belong to Juan Pablo!" Lucy's fellow sister-wives weren't exactly down with her polluting the hot tub with her unbridled breasts and free-flowing armpit hair (we just assume), but they seemed more than grateful when she offered to go commando during the group date. And by "offered to go commando" we mean she walked down the sidewalk totally naked while cars honked and ABC's cameramen filmed her. This is what The Bachelor has become, you guys. This is what is happening now.
3. Fact: Two of Juan Pablo's Contestants Have Seen His Little Pablo
We're only two weeks into this season of The Bachelor, and there's already been so much nudity that we're partially blind. Not only did Lucy prance around Bachelor Mansion like she was at a Burning Man festival (which is definitely where she’d rather be), Juan Pablo also took off his underwear and posed naked with a dog. Like, his man parts were on full display, covered only by a black box that some terrified intern had to place over his junk in Final Cut Pro. In other news, this means that both Andi Dorfman and Lucy have seen Juan Pablo's penis, or at least the nude panties-covered area he’s got down there. Totally normal for a first date.
4. Josh Krajcik is Alive, Living in Winter Wonderland
We've often wondered what became of X Factor Season 1 runner up Josh Krajcik. Turns out he was kidnapped by Chris Harrison and forced to live in an icy fantasy land for the past three years. His only source of comfort? The curly locks of love known as "hair" that frame his face. Luckily, Josh Krajcik had his chance to shine when he was shoved into the faux snow and forced to serenade Juan Pablo and Clare Crawley as they felt each other up right in front of him. It was one of the more awkward moments of the episode, if by "awkward" we mean "beautiful," which we totally do. Almost as beautiful as the snowflakes resting atop Josh Krajcik's curly tendrils.
5. Victoria Lima Says What We're All Thinking
Have you guys met our new best friend, Victoria Lima? She cemented her place in The Bachelor WTF Hall of Fame by getting completely wasted during the group date after-party, a beautiful evening in which Victoria mused about Juan Pablo's hymen (he's so full of surprises!), declared that she was Juan Pablo's girlfriend (we've all been there), and ended up telling a toilet seat all about how she wants Juan Pablo to die. We don't know what was in the boxed wine Victoria was drinking, but we can only assume it was made by Ben Flajnik, who is obviously on an evil mission to take down each of Juan Pablo's contestants with tainted Envolve.
What was the craziest moment of The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 2? Tell us your thoughts!