Credit: Instagram

Much like Gollum, The Bachelor 18's Juan Pablo Galavis is traipsing around Middle Earth in search of the One Ring. This glistening nugget of gold was forged in the fires of Mordor by Neil Lane himself, and soon Juanny is hoping to slip it on the finger of his chosen one. Sure, this dashing gent has been known to pull a Gandalf and be all "you shall not pass my danger zone," but chances are he'll be impregnating one of his leading ladies by this time next year.

So, what did Juan and his tribe of hotties get up to this week on The Bachelor? As you probably guessed from the glorified fan-fiction that is the previous paragraph, Juan Pablo and his harem hit up New  Zealand and went on several nerdy dates.

Not only did Juan go on a one-on-one with Andi Dorfman to a gorgeous waterfall, he and Clare Crawley chatted about that time they totally hooked up in the ocean, and Juan Pablo took six of his bachelorettes to the set of The Hobbit. WE'RE SO EXCITED! That being said, you may find the following Elvish phrases useful throughout this recap:

Sevig thû úan — You smell like a monster

Dôl gîn lost — Your head is empty

Amarth faeg! — Evil fate!

You’re welcome!

Uno-on-Uno Numero Uno: That Time Andi Almost Got Squeezed to Death

If there's one thing we've learned from the two (million) hour extended DVD set of Lord of the Rings, it's that New Zealand is a dangerous place full of orcs, questionable beards, and terrifying mountains that are trying to kill you. In other words, it's a total recipe for romance! Which is presumably why Juan Pablo took Andi to a lovely place called "The Squeeze," otherwise known as a treacherous mountain crack that poor Andi had to literally squeeze her body through. Oh, and said crack was filled with frigid water containing the bodies of dead elves (we just assume). That's the bad news. The good news is that a) Juan Pablo wore his best tartan scarf, and b) the happy couple reached a gorgeous waterfall! Of course, said water fall was conveniently heated by magma, just in case Juan Pablo should need to melt Andi’s heart, or something.

Despite the near-death experiences, Andi and Juan Pablo's date was super romantic and filled with makeout sessions, stimulating conversation, and beautiful geysers. Unfortunately, one of said geysers chose to prematurely blow its wad while Juan Pablo and Andi were eating some lamb chops, but fear not! They managed to get over the geyser's evil attempt to ruin their date, and Andi definitely got the rose. Lord knows she'd end up having Juan Pablo jailed for operating a gang ring had he tried to reject her.

Group Date to the Fires of Mordor: Who Got the Rose?

Credit: Instagram

YOU GUYS! Juan Pablo took his girlfriends to The Shire this week and they walked in the hairy footsteps of Frodo and his LARPer friends (aka Peter Jackson). But let's rewind for a second. Before going on what can only be described as the best date in Bachelor history, this misguided group had a delightful picnic in the New Zealand countryside, and then went Zorbing. You know, Zorbing? When you take your life into your hands, step inside a giant watery hamster ball, and roll down a hill for no apparent reason? It was basically a chance for Juan Pablo to see everyone soaking wet in their bikinis, but let's move on to what really matters. Our precious.

There are no words to describe this week's cocktail hour in Hobbiton, a magical land where feral cats roam free (no seriously, so many cats, so few explanations). Not only did Juan Pablo nab alone time with Renee Oteri in which they took a selfie in front of Bilbo's house, Nikki Ferrell almost dropped the L-word, and Sharleen Joynt tried to resist Juan Pablo's sexual advances. And failed. The date was flawless in every way… except for the fact that Cassandra Fergusongot eliminated. More on that good time later!

By the way, if you're wondering who got Juan Pablo's group date rose that would be Sharleen. Her enthusiasm for all things Hobbiton was impressive and kinda weird to say the least.


Uno-on-Uno Numero Dos: Clare and Juan Pablo Reconnect (Their Tongues)

Credit: Twitter

Please cast your mind back to last Monday, a harrowing day in which Juan Pablo and Clare Crawley's bodies united next to a handful of traumatized sea urchins. As you probably remember, Juan Pablo had a few regrets about his erotic encounter with Clare, and made her feel totally terrible about it. Luckily, Juan Pablo and Clare went on a romantic picnic this week to real-talk about their shameful sexy time!

Long story short, Juan refused to apologize, continued to blame Clare for the encounter, and told her that he'd basically never touch her again. And then they made out. Wait, what? So… if it's daytime by a river Juan Pablo's down to exchange bodily fluids in HD, but nighttime in the ocean is repulsive to him? We're so confused. Either way, Juan Pablo gave Clare a rose and some comfy harem pants at the end of this date, so it looks like the whole ocean hookup thing worked out for her in the end. Who has the last laugh now, Juan Pablo? Clare! And us. AH-HAHAHAHA.


Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

Unfortunately, the magic of Juan Pablo's group date in Hobbiton was somewhat marred by the fact that he randomly decided to eliminate Cassandra. We know, right? It's so shocking that his relationship with a woman 10 years younger than him didn't work out!

So, why was Cassandra sent home? Turns out Juan Pablo thought she should pack her bags and be with her son, despite the fact that she was totally on cloud nine about falling in love with him. Yep, poor Cassandra was deflowered faster than a hobbitress on her wedding night, and on her birthday no less. You're welcome for the gift of this publicly televised breakup, girl!


Who Was Eliminated?

We're getting down to the wire, guys! This week, Juan Pablo had the awkward task of deflowering just one of his sister-wives during the Rose Ceremony, and that unfortunate soul was none other than Kat Hurd . We'll always remember you, Kat. Until next year when a new season of The Bachelor starts, at which point we will immediately forget you.

Quote of the Week

Juan to Cassandra moments before eliminating her: "You're one of my special ones." (Um...thanks?)

Next Week on The Bachelor

Gird your lady loins, because Juan Pablo and his six remaining girlfriends are heading to his hometown of Miami next week on The Bachelor (airing Monday, February 17). There, Juan Pablo will treat Sharleen to a romantic date on a yacht, he'll go on a sexy dinner date with Nikki, and will even take a few lucky girls on a group date to a private island. In other words, it's an unmissable episode!