This week on the glorified mating ritual that is The Bachelor Season 18, Juan Pablo Galavis took his six remaining girlfriends to his hometown of Miami for the adventure of a lifetime. This hunk was totally in his element skipping gleefully around the hallowed ground of MTV's Spring Break, and suffice it to say he and his lady friends partied in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn.
Not only did Juan Pablo take Sharleen Joynt on a romantic one-on-one because he — adorably — thinks she still likes him (bless his heart!), he took four hotties to a private island for a menage-a-cinco, and then let Nikki Ferrell meet his daughter, Camila. Hopefully, this poor child was only slightly traumatized by the realization that her father is dating half a dozen women at once.
With that in mind, let's join hands and venture to a place that 30 Rock's Tracy Jordan once described as "the penis of America."
Bienvenidos a Miami, nuestros amigos!
Uno-on-Uno Numero Uno: Sharleen Is Plagued By Her Inner Demons, All of Whom Are Named Juan Pablo
As we all know, Juan Pablo and Sharleen share a deep appreciation for culture, art, education, and big words that no one understands — which is presumably why he picked her as the recipient of his first one-on-one date in Miami. These lovebirds had an amazing time making out on a private yacht and on a private island (all while being filmed for public TV viewing), but WAIT. Something's afoot — our Drama Detector is on RED ALERT! Red, like the color of roses.
Call us crazy, but we felt like Sharleen was slightly disconnected to Juan Pablo throughout their date — despite the fact that she was totally riding on his proverbial "serfboart." But while Sharleen literally couldn't stop telling ABC's camera crew that she and Juan Pablo don't have a "mental connection," Juan Pablo was too busy biting her lips and rocking chinos to notice that home girl was sending mixed signals. Basically, he was just like "la, la, la, my chinooooos!" while she was like "la, la, la, I hate myself for liking you!" So, did Sharleen eliminate herself after her date with Juanny? Keep reading, friend.
Uno-on-Uno Numero Dos: Nikki Meets Camila, Everything Gets Super Weird
Please stop binge-drinking that bottle of Envolve and listen up, because extremely important events transpired during Nikki's date with Juan Pablo. Namely, she got a chance to hang out with Camila at her dance recital, and their interaction went something like this: Nikki gave Camila a bouquet of flowers that she picked out with Juan Pablo, Camila side-eyed her, deigned to answer one of her plebian questions about how often she practices dance (ALL THE TIME, FOOL! DID YOU NOT SEE THOSE MOVES?!), and then rejected Nikki for a bag of Cheetos. As ya do.
But even better? Juan Pablo forced Nikki to meet his baby mama, the beautiful Carla Rodriguez, for a super normal, not-at-all awkward hang session in which they pretended not to loathe each other. Good times! Luckily, Juan Pablo rewarded Nikki for being great under pressure by treating her to an adorable picnic at some sports stadium where he “works” so they could lob a few balls at each other. Romantic, but it's just like we get it ABC. You think we're fat and want us to exercise.
Anyway, Nikki and Juan Pablo definitely had tons of chemistry during this date, and Nikki even told some random cameraman that she's in love with him!
Group Date — A Rose On the Line!
Remember back in day when group dates were just an excuse for Juan Pablo to indulge his inner dog fetish? Times have changed, and it's getting weird. This week, Juan Pablo's group date was less of a "group," and more just a bunch of anxious women swapping second hand spit while trying desperately to win Juan Pablo's rose. Sure, Juanny took Renee Oteri, Andi Dorfman, Chelsie Webster, and Clare Crawley to a private island, but there was nothing private about their time together.
In the space of just a few hours, Juan Pablo snuggled up to all four of these ladies (THINK OF CAMILA! THINK OF OUR EYES!), but ultimately forged the strongest connection with Andi thanks to her emotional feel-fest on the beach — which apparently trumped Clare's emotional story about a video that her deceased father made for her future hubs. Like, we’ve heard it before, OK? We’ve already cried those tears.
After Andi got his rose, they spent the remainder of their date dancing to the dulcet tones of musical not-legend Romeo Santos, while Juan Pablo's rejects were sent back to the hotel. At this point, Clare swiftly suffered what can only be described as an emotional breakdown in Nikki's general direction. Here's what went down: Clare tried to engage Nikki in a conversation, Nikki told her to get out of her room, Clare shrieked "THIS IS NOT YOUR ROOM," and Nikki retaliated with "you're f––ing crazy." LOL, girls.
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode
You know what was super awkward? When Juan Pablo wandered back to his hotel after a day of fun in the sun, only to have Sharleen come knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door to breakup with him. In a move that caused us to weep copiously into our body pillow, Sharleen tenderly explained to a very confused Juan Pablo that she just didn't see their relationship working out, which caused them to weep soft tears all over each other. Basically, Sharleen was crying, Juan Pablo was crying, we were crying, Chris Harrison was off camera somewhere maniacally laughing crying — it was an emotional mess.
We'll miss Sharleen like we missed cheese that one time we tried to give it up (dark memories), but let's be real: these two were an even weirder pairing that Chris Harrison and Justin Bieber's mom (even darker memories).
Who Was Eliminated?
Look, you guys, it was a tough week for Juan Pablo. Did he have a total melt down while eliminating Chelsie during The Rose Ceremony? Yes. And did he feel the rain (of his tears) on his skin? Yes. And did he have to wander into a corner so he could presumably cry on Chris Harrison's freshly waxed chest? Yes. But just go with it because Juan Pablo's task of picking just ONE lady to marry him is super duper hard.
Quote of the Week
Nikki describes her BFF, Clare: "Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first."
Next Week on The Bachelor
Hometown Dates are upon us! Next week on back-to-back episodes of The Bachelor (airing February 24 and February 25), Juan Pablo will go on hometown dates with Clare, Renee, Nikki, and Andi, and will then take his three finalists to St. Lucia for Fantasy Suites. Our bodies are ready to see more of Juan Pablo's body! But will this dude agree to spend the night with his three musketeers considering that he recently morphed into a total prude (at least when it comes to hooking up in bodies of water)? That remains to be seen.