Credit: video still (ABC)

The time has come for El Bachelor to invite his three remaining fillies into his chamber of secrets — otherwise known as The Fantasy Suites. That's right, we've reached the wonderful point on The Bachelor when ABC provides Juan Pablo Galavis with a love nest so he can have sex with each of his lady friends, one after the other. So many bodily fluids, so little time!

So, where is this menage a cuatro going down? That would be the island of St. Lucia, where Juan Pablo will decide whether he has a better physical connection with Nikki Ferrell, Clare Crawley, or Andi Dorfman. Because getting frisky on ABC’s dime is really the only way that Juan Pablo will truly be able to ascertain who's the best step-mom for his daughter, Camila. Bless her traumatized little heart.

With that in mind, please join us as we dive head-first into Juan Pablo's Fantasy Suites! Let's just hope no one walks away from this sexual adventure with a communicable disease.

Overnight Date: Clare Crawley

The entire ocean was basically an impromptu fantasy suite for Clare and Juan Pablo back in Vietnam, so they've kinda been there done that when it comes to "getting Juanny with it." But these two still had an amazing day trolling around a private fishing boat in St. Lucia, which carted them to a yacht, which then carted them to a romantic cave. You know, just in case Juan Pablo should feel the need to spontaneously leave Clare in a dank hell hole to be attacked by orcs that escaped from New Zealand.

Anyway, Juan Pablo and Clare spent a lovely day musing on how awkward their Hometown Date was, but Clare seemed uncomfortable about the prospect of having sex with Juan Pablo in a glorified brothel. Luckily, Clare got over her hesitation in, like, five seconds, and then decided to tearfully drop the L-word on her man while he slowly became hypnotized by her dangling earrings.

So yeah. Hands up if you think Juan Pablo and Clare totally "swam in the ocean" once the cameramen left their Fantasy Suite! Sigh, lord knows how many of Juan Pablo's love children will be roaming around by this time next year.


Overnight Date: Andi Dorfman

Credit: Bachelor ABC Twitter

Andi's overnight date was such a success! Said no one, ever. This girl had what can only be described as the worst sleepover in the history of Chris Harrison's male gigolo operation, and we blame it on the fact that Juan Pablo didn't wear a scarf. Talk about a bad omen.

Sure, this happy couple had a great time frolicking in a waterfall, playing the steel drums at a local fiesta (MAKE THE DRUMMING STOP. OH GOD, OUR EYEBALLS), and forcing local children to play soccer with them (we're so sorry you had to see Juan Pablo shirtless, small ones), but things took a turn for the horrible once Juan Pablo took his mic off, took his pants off, and introduced Andi to Juan Jr. Well, you can be the judge of that last part, anyway.

While we don't know exactly what was said behind closed doors (for some weird reason ABC won't allow Chris Harrison to put cameras in the room), it appears as though Juan Pablo made some offhand comments to Andi about her status in the show. Her reaction? Abject horror and rage, to be honest. This girl was aghast that Juan Pablo only talked about himself, accused him of name-dropping, and was pretty pissed when he mentioned that he had sexy time with Clare right before her. So, did Andi call Juan Pablo out after saying "I saw a side to him that I didn't really like"? Read on, tender souls.


Overnight Date: Nikki Ferrell

We'd like to issue to a public apology to horses. Like, the entire species. For reasons that have yet to be explained, the island of St. Lucia allowed Juan Pablo and Nikki to wander around on two innocent horse friends during their date, both of whom (we assume) immediately threw themselves into the ocean in protest against JPG saying he wished Nikki were riding it whilst wearing only a thong. Here's the good news: A) she was not just wearing a thong (though we’re not sure those hideous pants were much better), and B) Juan Pablo and Nikki's rhythmic riding was definitely a sign of sexy things to come in the fantasy suites, and the fun didn't stop there. These two also had a lovely hangout on the beach and a romantic dinner, where they gushed about each other and Juan Pablo was just like "Ayyyyyyyyyyy."

This beautiful declaration of mutual feels lead up to the fated moment where Juan Pablo handed Nikki an invitation to his El Bachelor Pad. Which was, for some terrifying reason, written by Chris Harrison. We get it, buddy. You are single-handedly orchestrating this rendez-do, and you are getting paid for it.

So, did Nikki accept Juan Pablo's invitation for off-camera sexperiments? You know it. Not only did girlfriend say "yes, yes a thousand times yes," she told Juan Pablo that she loved him! He didn't respond, but bebé steps!


Quote of the Week

Juan Pablo comes across a little boy: "Hi, little boy."

Who Was Eliminated?

Remember how we mentioned that Andi Dorfman was totally horrified by Juan Pablo's insensitive behavior in the Fantasy Suites? Yeah, well she eliminated herself from the competition in the most dramatic way ever. Here's what went down: Juan Pablo was having a therapeutic hang session with Chris Harrison, who gifted him three video messages from his finalists for his fleet of brain cells to ponder. After slow-nodding his way through Nikki and Clare's messages, Juan Pablo tuned into Andi, who asked him to meet her for a face-to-face.

At this point, Andi sat Juan Pablo down and explained just what went wrong during their overnight date. Long story short? Andi said she didn't love Juan Pablo, and he refused to apologize when she accused him of being lacking in feeling, saying the word “OK" too much, and being a straight-up "asshole" for describing her as a "default." (PS: Juan Pablo maintained that his mouth is unable to form the word "default" because English is his second language, pretty much accusing Andi of lying in the process.)

It goes without saying that Andi dismissed herself from the competition after her argument with Juan Pablo, whose attitude about the interaction can be summed up in three words: whatever, bye hater.



Next Week on The Bachelor

Please pop a straw in your juice box of wine and set your DVR, because the “Women Tell All” special is upon us — a wonderful time in which Chris Harrison pretends he's a therapist and bestows words of wisdom on Juan Pablo's rejects, all of whom currently loathe him. Make sure to tune into ABC next Monday at 8 p.m. ET/PT for all the drama-rama!