Everyone shhhhhhh because the women are doing as promised in the title of “Women Tell All” and are, in fact, telling all. That is correct, the disgruntled rejects of Juan Pablo Galavis' First Wives Club recently reunited for a night of twinkly tea lights, therapeutic musings, and scarf-snatching, and it all airs tonight on ABC.
But while we would’ve been satisfied with watching them collectively throw a giant pile of shade in Juan Pablo's general direction, WTA is so much more than just that. The night was pretty much a WTF-fest of epic proportions, complete with ugly-crying, meaningless platitudes, and — of course — words of wisdom from our personal guru, Chris Harrison. Om, brother, om to the max.
We've rounded up the Top 5 craziest moments of the WTA special for you to look back on, as well as some memorable quotes, reflections on pools of tears, and more. But be forewarned: you might want to pop open a box of wine before you read this list. Think you caught it all but need a lay-down? Well, take a nap and then head back this way for a revisiting of everything you mighta missed while you were refilling your glass.
3 Biggest WTF Moments of the Night
There isn't an acronym worthy of Bachelor 18's “Women Tell All” special, but if we had to pick one it would be WTF. And OMG. And LOL. And also BFF, because Juan Pablo's lady friends totally have each other's backs and it's completely adorable. Anyway, we've rounded up the three most OMG/WTF/LOL/BFF-inducing moments from the special for you to enjoy!
1. Sean Lowe Recounts Horror Story of His Peen Being Chewed on by a Stingray
Uhm, sorry...Juan Pablo who? Former Bachelor Sean Lowe (aka the Bachelor people actually like) and his new bride Catherine Giudici showed up for a quick hang session before Juan Pablo and his lady friends took center stage, and what did they talk about? Why, their wedding night, naturally. A beautiful evening in which Sean finally unbridled his passions and cashed in his V-card, which Catherine summed up in two words: "quick fireworks." Yikes, buddy. But wait, it gets better! By which we mean so much worse.
Unfortunately, Sean and Catherine didn't get much time to practice "swimming in the ocean" — to borrow a euphemism from Clare Crawley — due to the fact that Sean's man parts (aka The Fortress of Solitude) were attacked by a rapid, penis-crazed stingray . #prayersforseanspenis #itsbruised
2. Juan Pablo Fights With His Harem About Whether or Not He's Homophobic
Remember that awkward time Juan Pablo accidentally-on-purpose revealed that he thinks gay people are "more pervert"? This blunder happened after The Bachelor had already wrapped filming, but if you think Juan Pablo's rejects were going to give him a free pass without tearing him apart, you'd be wrong.
Despite Juan Pablo's insistence that he loves the LGBT community more than he loves scarves, this hunk's lady friends weren't about to let his whole "English is my second language" excuse slide. Some of Juan Pablo's ex-girlfriends were horrified by his now-infamous musing on how there shouldn't be a gay Bachelor, and took their man to task while Chris Harrison looked panicked in the background. Juan Pablo's apologetic response: "They were born that way." OMG, we didn't know he was a Lady Gaga fan!
3. Andi Dorfman Pretended to Go to Sleepin The Fantasy Suite
We all know how much Andi Dorfman hated hanging out with Juan Pablo during their overnight date (like, she hated it more than anything ever), but in case you need a reminder, this brunette bombshell was miserable. Not only did she have to endure countless hours of Juan Pablo talking about some weird Euro sport called "soccer," she felt like El Bachelor was extremely negative about his love journey, as well as ungrateful about the unique position he was in.
Basically, Andi's date with Juan Pablo got worse and worse by the second, until finally Andi couldn't take it anymore and just pretended to be asleep to avoid interacting with him. We repeat: Andi transformed into a human possum and played dead in order to get away from Juan Pablo.
5 Craziest Quotes of the Episode
If nothing else, the WTA is a chance for El Bachelor and his lady friends to real-talk about their love journey under the super-bored gaze of Chris Harrison. Watching this lovable crew attempt to form coherent sentences was a terrifying experience, and we've rounded up our favorite quotes from the episode for you to reflect on! Uhm, also...almost every single one of these bad-boys is courtesy of Juan Pablo. You're welcome!
5. Sharleen Joynt real talks: "I'm sure I'll get a lot of eyerolls for this but I found him very curious."
We, too, find Juan Pablo curious.
4. Juan Pablo addresses his haters: "I have no regrets"
Not even about that pair of linen pants in St. Lucia?! THE PANTS, JUAN PABLO.
3. Juan Pablo hates us: "Es okay."
No. Nothing es okay.
2. Juan Pablo ponders his journey: "She will essept me and my little package."
No wonder Andi ditched The Fantasy Suite….
1. Juan Pablo makes friends with a rat: "Holy f—k. That's what I call a big rat right there."
Even the rodents are sexually attracted to him!
Who cried? Just us, mostly, watching Juan Pablo get beaten up on. Oh wait, that never happened. In the previews, Kelly Travis def shed some tears, but we're thinking maybe it was just a trick of the light, since she held her own when she confronted Juan Pablo. So, who really cried? Probably Juan Pabs, after Victoria Lima was done with him.
Did you enjoy the “Women Tell All”? Were Juan Pablo's lady friends fair to him, or do you think he was ganged up on (and not in a sexy way)? Hit the comments and dish your feelings and emotions, Bachelor Nation!