Please grab a box of Franzia, and guzzle it even harder than Desiree Hartsock guzzled the milk from that innocent goat's udder. The Bachelor Season 17 finale is upon us, which means Sean Lowe has finally come to the end of his spiritual love journey. Basically, he's been enlightened, and we expect him to start wearing a white robe and sandals any day now.
In case you've suffered a momentary bout of amnesia brought on by asking your boyfriend to shove you off a skyscraper (in a sexy way), Sean is currently in Thailand with Lindsay Yenter and Catherine Giudici, and he has to decide who to marry. The obvious choice is Chris Harrison, but apparently Chris and Sean's love affair isn't legal in most states. But whatevs, Sean only has one rose left and it's BLOOMING.
A Family Affair
Sean is in crisis. His daily routine consists of peering off the edge of boats, talking to his monkey friends about bananas, trying not to drown himself in a puddle, and gently braiding his chest hair. This hunk has no idea whether to ask Catherine or Lindsay to marry him (ugh, his life is so hard, we can't even), so he's forced to fly his family over to Thailand so they can weigh in on his decision.
First, Catherine meets Sean's fam-fam and bonds all over the place with Mama Lowe, who basically wants to adopt her and give her a million confederate flag shaped pillows. Join the club, lady. Oh, and then Catherine brings Sean dad's to tears while he declares that he loves her like a daughter. So many feelings, guys. We're even more emotional than that time the Powers That Be stopped selling 3D Doritos and Squeezits — aka The Apocalypse.
So, how does Lindsay's meet and greet the The Family Lowe go? Here cheerful perkiness and adorable dimples win over Sean's dad, but OH MY GOD IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. Sean's mom hates everyone, and she doesn't want her son to marry any of these townies. Yep, this broad wants Sean to be a childless priest who whiles away his life thinking about the good ol' days when he wasn't a virgin.
Side note: Sean spends this entire episode barefoot. Do with that what you will. Unless you have a foot fetish, in which case please don't.
To quote Sean, "my mind never stops thinking." Gone are the innocent days when this lost soul was tonguing his way through a sea of 27 ladies –– now he has to actually marry one, which brings us to Lindsay. Sean takes his main squeeze on a rafting trip so they can dish about their love, wear imaginary goggles (we don't even know) and make out while some innocent locals paddle them around and try not to vomit / go blind. But then, guys? Then Sean and Lindsay get all crafty, make some balloons which represent "family" and whatever, and send them off into the night sky, presumably burning down half of Thailand's forests while doing so. Also, Sean tells Lindsay that he can "picture her being a hot old chick," and if that isn't code for "I love you," we don't know what is.
After completing his final date with Lindsay, Sean decides to bond with Catherine one last time before potentially wifing her, so they straddle an innocent elephant and ride around Thailand. After they finish violating the back of this tragic creature (who is clearly about to collapse from the weight of Sean's biceps), Catherine and Sean daydream about their future, and Catherine finally tells Sean that she loves him over a romantic cluster of throw pillows. Unfortunately, Catherine is so overwhelmed by the fact that Sean can't reciprocate her feelings that she bursts into a fit of tears and faceplants on her bed in a fit of sads.
Happily Ever After
The time has come for Sean to massage himself with body oil, slip his supple body into a suit, stand underneath an altar made of twigs (good job, ABC interns), and ask one lucky lady to be his bride. First Sean picks out a gorgeous cushion-cut diamond from Neil Lane, then he utters the brilliant musing "I feel a feeling I've never felt before," and finally he's ready to pop the question. The women of Sean's dreams? None other than Catherine Guidici, who looks stunning-yet-traumatized in a golden off-the-shoulder dress. Of course, first Sean has to reject Lindsay, which is all kinds of awkward. As you might expect, this poor girl breaks into a fit of hysterical sobs, and is promptly carted away / presumably sacrificed to Thailand's monkey gods.
The upside? Sean is finally ready to propose to Catherine! WAIT, nevermind, because Chris Harrison emerges out of the forest and hands Sean a hand-scrawled note from his bride-to-be, in which she drops the huge bombshell that...oh, wait, this is basically just a love note. Nevermind. If anything, Catherine's letter just reinforces Sean's feelings for her, and after a beautiful proposal full of tears and giggles, Sean slips a diamond ring on his lady's finger and they ride off into the sunset on an elephant.
Us = DHSJADHSJAKDHSKJAD. Bye-bye forever, we need to go happy-cry from here to eternity.