Credit: Twitter

Sean Lowe took a quick trip on a sailing ship called the S.S. Awkward Rose on last night’s episode of The Bachelor Season 17. After strange interactions with both Catherine Giudici’s and Desiree Hartsock’s family units, Sean made the tough call to send Des packing. Nothing quite as awkward as being sent back where you came from, like five minutes after you get off the plane...

On tonight’s special episode “Sean Tells All,” Sean sits down with his better half, Chris Harrison, to discuss pressing issues like why he kept Tierra LiCausi around for so long, whether sending Des home still weighs on him, and how to properly wear treated silk button downs.

And because we still have some wine left in our Franzia box, we’re going to be relaying our favorite moments of the episode, providing you the pleasure we’re still not sure Sean can. Enjoy!

DESIREE HARTSOCK

“You’re about to head into the overnight dates, what are you hoping to find?” Chris Harrison asks Sean. Wow, buddy, way to just jump right in.

Sean tells Chris that the decision to send Des home is still a “maybe” in his mind. That sucks, man. Wouldn’t you rather the guy who dumps you be like “GET OUT” instead of “wait here. I’ll be back in 7-10 months.”

Chris brings up Des’s Dbag brother and Sean admits he really wished he could’ve punched him in the face. Apparently there was something that was cut: Sean and Nathaniel Hartsock actually talked to each other early on in the evening, and they got along great. Weird.

“Des said he had some problems as a youth,” Sean says, because he is secretly sixty-three.

Big question #1: Would you have sent Des home if her brother wasn’t a huge effing back of D? Do you regret your decision to send her home?
Sean: “It influenced me... I didn’t know even after if I would regret it... but I wouldn’t have sent her home if she was the girl for me.”

SARAH HERRON

Sean says when he met Sarah he just “wanted to put his arm around her.” Um. Anyone else looking at the floor in awkwardness?

Sean says of Sarah roller derby-ing “She just didn’t have the balance these other girls do.”

“In Canada, you made a very distinct effort to send her home,” Chris says.

“She’s going to find someone who loves her for the rest of her life,” Sean says of Sarah.

“Yeah, it happens all the time,” Chris Harrison wisely muses, “girls leave here and then they figure out what they really want.” Too bad that most of the time, they have to break up with the winner first...


SELMA ALAMERI

“What America didn’t get to see is that we tried everything but.” Uh, what? Apparently they did all sorts of “kissing,” like they got to the third base of the virgin baseball field (read: heavy eyelash fluttering). Sean tells the world that after their 1-on-1, she was a frontrunner for the competition. “She had a great job...” Subtext: have you seen her?

LESLEY MURPHY

This just in: Sean is bad at talking dirty. Sources say no one is surprised. In all seriousness, Sean says that kissing her on their “world record-setting date” felt like 30 seconds, which is funny because we watched it. It timed in as just over 85 minutes of our lives we’ll never get back.

Would Sean have kept Les if he knew she loved him? Yeah, and he might have loved her too. Ouch.

Big question #2: Tierra.

Sean brought Shay down to St. Croix hoping to get the inside scoop. “Is she gonna see the things I see or is she going to see what other people do?”

Let’s be honest: it was Shay’s birthday and Sean wanted to hang with her. Fair enough. Tierra being eliminated was just the icing on the crazy cake.

“I hear this all the time, ‘she’s just a plant’,” Chris says. Enter fern joke here.

Sean admits that Tierra was a disaster. Alright, moving along.

ASHLEY PALENKAS

“She tells me the same story three times. I thought she was just messing with me.” The story? Oh, just that her mom is in love with Sean. What are you getting at? Threesie?

CATHERINE GIUDICI

Apparently she passed him amazing notes like “Your arm is hairless. I dig that.” Uh, weird. Now we understand how she made the final four...

Also not shown on TV? Catherine shoved her tiny body into an ice truck wheel well. How did she know that’s Sean’s favorite thing a girl can do?

LINDSAY YENTER

Meh. He doesn’t say anything interesting. They crowdsurfed together at the Sarah Darling concert in Montana. Um, that’s... cool. NO one has ever done that to a Sarah Darling show before, we’re positive.

Big Question #3: FANTASY SUITES

Sean says the fantasy suites are going to be a great opportunity to “spend time alone.” Uh, is that with or without the date? We’re seriously unsure.

As for “getting physical, physical,” Sean tells America / the uber-prying Chris Harrison “It’s really none of your business.” Mmhmm. We all know what that means: what’s Thai for “blue balls,” because we know three girls who are about to drown their sorrows in a big bowl of pad kee mao chicka mao disappointment.

Well, that’s all from Sean. Next week’s dates look pretty. We have no more attention span. The end.