Credit: ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney

The Bachelor Season 17 returns tonight at 8 PM EST, with two hours of Sean Lowe’s abs, girl-on-girl drama, and some frolicking on the beach. Yes, Sean Lowe will be shirtless, and the girls will be catty — Kacie Boguskie even goes so far as to pull Sean aside and give him a heads up (more on that later). Join us for a wild romp on ABC’s dime as we live blog this episode!
 

One on One Date: Long Doses of PDAs — Public Displays of Awkwardness


Selma gets the date card and in her HILARIOUS playful way, tells us that the date goes to Lesley (dramatic pause and power trip) Murphy. “It’s literally a dream come true,” she tells the cameras. We can only imagine the seething happen on the Leslie with an IE’s side of the world.
 
Sean picks up Lesley in a limo. “She’s just one of those girls I get along with so well.” He takes her to Hollywood and the Guinness World Records Museum, AKA the most romantic place on earth. “This dude’s eating a bike wheel.” Where are the violins, right guys?
 
And then, just when we’re worried that our hearts might explode, Sean reveals that his dad has a world record. Drumroll, guys. It’s that he drove the contiguous United States in the shortest amount of time. Swoon. But just when we're about to fill our wine glasses to the max with worry, Chris "Trickster McGee" Harrison parades the pair in front of a crowd to watch them go at it — kiss, that is. Because, SURPRISE! They're going to try and set the record for the longest kiss ever. Oh good, a quantity date...
 
“This is pretty intimidating,” Sean says. Well, yeah. We’ve seen the kissing on the show this season thus far and, sorry y’all, it’s not been impressive. “Your lips must touch for the entire procedure,” the GBofWR guy says, to really set the mood. Apparently the world record is 3:15. “That’s a long time,” Sean says. No one is surprised he feels this way.
 
“I can feel her body start to tremble,” Sean says off-screen. It’s not hard to imagine that this might be the first time he’s said that. “That moment was just about the two of us,” Sean spills. “It was the best day of my life,” Lesley says. Really guys? Really?
 
“Tonight, I’m excited to get to know her on a more intimate level,” Sean says, on what is apparently opposite day (didn’t they just sort of make out?) It’s cute when he says she’s “the only girl he wants to set records with.” They make out of their own accord and Lesley — bless her — crosses her legs in the world’s shortest dress without making us feel more intimate with her.
 
Back in Bachelor houseville, one of the girls is “going to win” Sean’s heart. Everyone but Selma, Sarah, and Ashlee are on the group date. “I’m glad I’m not on the group date, because I have a feeling it’s something with activity,” AshLee Frazier says. Um, what?
 
No surprise to anyone with eyes, cool as a cuke Lesley gets a rose. “Butterflies,” Sean says. Are we doing a word association thing Sean? Because unicorns.

 
Group Date: Volleyball
 
“Serious quality alone time” with Sean and fifty bazillion other girls is on the line. How? Volleyball. Because love’s a game guys, but winning is more than just sport. It’s a boob bumping tear down that’s about to happen. Catherine speaks for, like, the third time ever on the show. She is fierce and confident, and both teams look awesome in their bikinis. Cue screeching.
 
“In the beginning, this was actually a really fun game, but it’s actually getting really frustrating,” Catherine spills. Deep, girl. We feel you deep. METAPHOR GUYS!
 
Des serves match point and everything is on the line, in this game of love. SHE GETS IT! SHE GETS IT! The team covered in blue gets it! Everyone else is a loser.
 
Daniella, Kristy, Catherine, Taryn, Leslie, and Tierra are on the losing team. They cry red streaks of sadness and broken hearts in the van home. That’s right. Limos are for winners. Never forget.
 
Everyone else wins (they all look the same in bikinis, covered in sand...).
Back in the compound, the girls cry.
 
On the group date, Lindsay "Questionable Dress Choices" Yenter gets a few minutes with Seansie. They make out dirty, and we can't help but think that telling Sean to keep his lips glued to some girl for a long time without separation is probably not going to lead him down the right path. Way to turn him around, Linds.
 
Sean gives Des some compliments about her bikini bod and tells her he "loves"... her confidence. Before he can start putting his new kissing skills to good use, she tells him about her deep side. Then they kiss.

 
 One on One Date: Trickster Tierra!

 
It goes to AshLee! But Tierra totally effs with everyone by pretending it's the dreaded two-on-one, reading Selma's name second. As if, you guys! Sarah calls her out and the house goes cold.
 
But don't forget, the group date is still happening. Crazy eyed Amanda seems less drunk and flower-shouldered and manages to tell Sean that she's fun and light and airy without our doom stomach setting in. Des throws her shade, telling Kacie and Jackie that she doesn't buy it.
 
Kacie tries to start sh*t by telling Sean about Des and Amanda. Oh, hey ladies, sorry, this isn't a Kalon-Emily situation, y'all. It's a competition. "They both seem fine?" Sean says, asking Kacie why she's telling him something.
 
Real talk time, sister: you came on the show to get OUT of the friend zone, so you can't use your "friends" past to make Sean care what you have to say about the other girls.
 
Lindsay gets the rose. For a second, she pretends to say no. We doubly like her now. "I look like a crazy person who can't handle the drama," Kacie tells the cameras. Yes.
 
Back at the house, poor AshLee is just trying to get ready for her date. But then Tierra falls down the stairs. “Tierra looks totally out of it.” Oops. Luckily the girls have had time to get their stories straight and paid off the appropriate camera people, so no one suspects anyone had anything to do with it. Just kidding. In all seriousness, it’s not pretty.
 
Sean says that he’s had a bunch of concussions and she should go to the hospital. “I’m worried about Tierra but...” AshLee says. She’s just spent hella time getting ready for her date, putting on her best church-ready tank lace dress, and now she has to act concerned while T$ eats into her time by ARGUING WITH THE MEDICS.
 
Bottom line is girlfriend does NOT want to go to the hospital. The girls call her out off camera, saying they think she’s full of shit. Tierra goes to a gazebo and Sean is a nice guy, so obvi he goes after her to check and see that she’s okay. Take notes, ladies.
 
“You should start falling down the stairs more often,” Sean says. WTF, dude.
 
Sean’s excited to spend the day at Six Flags, but apparently the girls don’t get the memo about what to wear, because poor AshLee’s traipsing around the empty theme park in high heels. “We are going to be able to bring along two girls on our date,” Sean says. Wait, wasn’t that not the point?
 
But before we get all cloudy-hearted, the two girls are chronically ill and have been internet BFFs but have never met. Ugh. He’s SUCH A GOOD GUY.
 
Sean carries around a giant giraffe for the girls and they all play together. Real talk: not our ideal way to spend one on one time. Sorry, it seems like a picture of how their future will look, with charity work and fun, and all the goodness, but it is nearly impossible to get a moment alone. So... They go listen to country music from the Eli Young Band. Who? Sean’s faves, duh.

 

Finally, they get a few moments together. AshLee really wants to talk to him, and we can't blame her. "I can feel the love coming from your heart as you speak, and that's so endearing," Sean says and because it's him, it doesn't sound as patronizing IRL. 

 

AshLee tells Sean that she was abused in a Foster Home, and Sean is awed and a little terrified, but great at smiling. He cries. It's not as awkward as the kiss in the first date. Jokes aside, they're cute. And even though AshLee calls Sean someone she's "falling in love with," we're glad she gets the rose and that they get to dance some more to the rando bando (which is the best band ever on this show, IHMO). Obviously, she gets the rose and they have a combined goodness of heart score of like 32.4. Out of 10. 

 

Rose Ceremony of Death 
 
Sean shows Sarah mad favoritism by having her dog show up in a limo, but at least for a second, she thought she might be going home. Dogs don’t ride in limos in non-Disney movies all that often. “I’ve never felt so special, so cared for, in my entire life.” Five minutes to glory.
 
Let’s talk about the dresses for a second: Kacie B seems to be wearing something she can play tennis in later. It’s cute, in like a “lunch at the club” sort of way. Desiree might have made the borderline Mother of the Bride" pink dress she's got going on, but she should probably stick to gowns. We’re just sayin’.
 
The ladies all keep stealing Sean from each other, in a total dbag sort of way. Like, Tierra gets him taken by Des, and then returns. What kindergarten did they go to that “no take backs” wasn’t a thing?
 
“It is a two way street. And I feel like we turned a corner at the photoshoot date, and then took a couple steps back,” Sean is in the middle of talking to Kacie B when AshLee and Selma show up. Look, we love a good game as much as anyone, but Ash already has a rose, so... maybe let him talk to the poor girl. Her hair is a hot mess and she could use a second to just talk it out. Respect.

 

Unfortch for her, he wasn't feeling it. “I really wanted this to work. Last time I left here, I left here with no regrets, but this time, I left with regrets," she says tearfully. So, that's that. Go ahead and get out your sharpies and start the "Kacie for Bachelorette 2013" campaign. 

 

It comes down to the last rose, with Kristy, Taryn, and Des still roseless. Who do you think is gonna get it? Des, duh.

 

"I may not be sweet enough for him," Taryn says on her way out. She's a good sport and a pretty-crier, which is a great combo on this show. Kristy peaces out a little more moistly and it's too bad, because she's a model and all.

 

Anyway, that's the show folks. Hope you enjoyed the live blogging and we'll see you next time, when Tierra accuses someone of being crazier than she is.