Credit: ABC

Sean Lowe is drowning in a sea of ladies and white wine, and the time has come for us to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him in the form of these power rankings. Please join us as we rank the most powerful players from The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 4, based on their personality, sex appeal, degrees of insanity, and chance of winning this thing!

Name: Selma Alameri
Ranking: 5
Pros: Despite being dropped off in a desert wasteland without fluids, Selma managed to scramble up the side of a rock without dying. She also made friends with all kinds of desert creatures, including a horny toad (not to be confused with Chris Harrison), and she avoided being pushed off a mountain by Sean.
Cons: Selma refused to kiss Sean because her mom might be watching. Ugh, this is like us in middle school all over again, except we were having an intimate relationship with our body pillow and a stack of J-14 magazines.

Name: Catherine Giudici
Ranking: 4
Pros: Catherine seems completely genuine about her feelings for Sean, and that hair. Oh, that hair. It's like a gigantic wave of silk that's been spun by Neil Lane's diamond elves. We really need Sean to grow his hair out into a mullet so their locks of love can co-mingle.
Cons: Girlfriend starts giggling and word-vomming the second she and Sean are in a room together, and we're worried that all the white wine might turn the word-vomit into real-vomit. Do not want.

Name: Lindsay Yenter
Ranking: 3
Pros: We've gotta hand it to Lindsay. She managed to coerce Sean away from the other ladies during cocktail hour, makeout with him next to a roaring fire pit, and force him in swim trunks — all while her competition sat on some random rooftop and hoped not to get pushed off.  
Cons: Sometimes we look at Lindsay and we have horrible flashbacks to her wedding dress, and then we have horrible flashbacks to that movie Runaway Bride, which in turn leads to even more horrible flashbacks about every Julia Roberts movie ever. It's really emotionally draining.

Name: Sarah Herron
Ranking: 2
Pros: Sarah might be at a disadvantage when it comes to competitive roller derby, but the silver-lining? Sean showers attention on her, and seems to genuinely care about her feelings and emotions. These two have a solid relationship based on honesty and compassion, and.... OMG sorry, just started crying.
Cons: Get out of here with this category. We are offended.

Name: Tierra LiCausi
Ranking: 1
Pros: Tierra has once again proven that she'll stop at nothing to win Sean's heart. Not only did she accuse everyone of "torturing her," she cock-blocked Sean and Lindsay's hot tub session by lurking in the shadows like some crazy cat-lady, and then finagled herself the rose. She is a master.
Cons: How long will it take Sean to notice that Tierra isn't quite as charming as he thinks she is? Actually, this is a rhetorical question.