Credit: ABC via WENN

Sean Lowe's life is so hard. Not only is his best friend a mysterious rock formation in California, he's been kidnapped by Chris "Big Pimpin" Harrison and forced to make out with 26 vaguely intoxicated strangers. Clearly, Captain America needs our help.

Please join us as we rank the most powerful players from this week's Rated R episode of The Bachelor 17, based on their sex appeal, personality, degrees of insanity and chance of winning this thing!

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Name: Amanda Meyer
Ranking: 5
Pros: Look, we know Amanda spent most of this episode looking 50 shades of deranged, but did she get kicked off for her unusual (read: semi-psychotic) behavior? No. We R-E-S-P-E-C-T anyone who can be that cray-cray and still earn herself a flower. Clearly girlfriend is gifted.  
Cons: In the words of Barry Manilow: "Oh, Mandy. Well you came and you gave without taking." Yeah, that's all. We have nothing else to say about this mysterious creature.

Credit: ABC via WENN

Name: Robyn Howard
Ranking: 4
Pros: We love that Robyn sashayed up to Sean and asked him if he's attracted to women of color. And we equally love that Sean answered this question by rambling off a list of ethnicities that he finds attractive. Thanks to Robyn we know that Sean wants to make out with all colors of the lady rainbow — plus he seemed legitimately impressed by her gutsy question!
Cons: Robyn has barely had any screen time, so it's really hard to tell how crazy she is on a scale of 1-10. Right now girlfriend seems super normal, which as far as we're concerned is the biggest con ever.

Credit: ABC via WENN

Name: Kacie B
Ranking: 3
Pros: Kacie is finally out of Sean's "friend zone" (which is kind of like an "end zone" in football, a sport which we know nothing about, so never mind just forget that this parentheses ever happened), but she has some war wounds, guys. Which brings us to the cons.
Cons: Like many veterans, Kacie is suffering from PTSD as a result of being trapped in Bachelor Mansion for weeks on end. Lord knows it's only a matter of time before she starts hallucinating visions of Ben Flajnik guzzling Envolve.   

Name: Lindsay Yenter
Ranking: 2
Pros: Lindsay managed not to a) get drunk and proposition Sean, and b) wear a bridal gown. Progress, guys! Plus, Sean seems to genuinly like her goofy personality, and who knows? Maybe he even likes that streak of bronze in her bangs!
Cons: Lindsay showed up wearing a dress that looked like Cruella Deville's hair circa her dalmatian killing spree.

Credit: ABC via WENN

Name: Desiree Hartsock
Ranking: 1
Pros: What's not to love? Desiree is gorgeous, has a great sense of humor, was willing to eat the "steak" that Sean "cooked" for her, has stellar family values, and let's be real. Girlfriend knows how to splash her way around a swimming pool. Watching her float around that tepid body of water was like The Little Mermaid all over again. Also Sean = Sebastian the Crab.
Cons: She might be too perfect. AHAHAHAH, just kidding! There's no such thing.