Credit: ABC via WENN

Sean Lowe has been given nearly impossible task of finding the perfect women in a sea of semi-drunken hotties, and boyfriend needs our help. We're here for you, Sean –– in more ways than one.

Please join us as we rank the most powerful players from the heart-thumping season premiere of The Bachelor 17, based on their sex appeal, personality, degrees of insanity and chance of winning this thing!

Name: Sarah Herron
Ranking: 5
Pros: Sarah seems completely normal. Well, other than the fact that she's weirdly obsessed with her dog — girlfriend pretty much just wants to find it a daddy — but who isn't? All we know is that we spent our childhoods demanding to be fed out of a bowl on the ground, and it was totally normal behavior.
Cons: Sarah might be too normal. We're pretty sure she was drinking water most of the night (um, next), and she neither passed out drunk nor tried to stroke Sean's abs. We're disappointed in you, girl.

Name: Lesley Murphy
Ranking: 4
Pros: We love that Lesley showed up and promptly hypnotized Sean with a football so she could check out his assets. Girlfriend is smart, sassy and funny –– and bonus! She likes sports, or at least she’s great at athletic support. In other words, we have nothing in common with her. The only physical activity we regularly compete in is moving our fingers around this keyboard.
Cons: Lesley is a self-proclaimed environmentalist. This is normally a good thing, but please cast your mind back to times of yore and remember what Sean did to that tree in Croatia. Dude literally broke it in half with his sheer strength. Basically, he is a tree murderer and Lesley's a tree-hugger. So, yeah.

Name: Desiree Hartsock
Ranking: 3
Pros: This brunette bombshell is completely adorable and has side bangs, which means she might be a secret hipster. OMG, she is so the Jef Holm of Bachelor crossed with Charlotte from Sex and the City. Plus, she managed to impress Sean by talking about football! Really, it takes very little to make him happy.
Cons: There is nothing bad to say about this perfect creature. She designed her own rose ceremony dress, guys. The only person more fashionable than Des is Baby Blue Ivy, and she can't even talk so what does she know? NOTHING.

Name: Kacie B.
Ranking: 2
Pros: Kacie has been through this process before, which basically makes her the ancient dinosaur of the group (in a good way). Plus, she's friends with Sean outside of the show, which means their relationship will be more relaxed.
Cons: Sean's lady friends are extremely jealous of Kacie, which means she might be bullied. Do we need to start an anti-bullying campaign and screenprint some t-shirts with Kacie's face on them? Because don't think we won't. In fact, we already did.

Name: Tierra LiCausi
Ranking: 1
Pros: Tierra is super family-oriented, which means her ovaries are probably willing and ready to bake a couple of baby buns for Sean. Plus we appreciate that she spent most of her intro video screaming with glee.
Cons: Everyone in the house already hates Tierra and they've only known her for five minutes. We have a feeling she's going to cause major drama, and may or may not end up getting bitch-slapped by Chris Harrison as he trolls through the mansion during one of his sleepwalking sessions.