In the words of The Spice Girls, tonight is the night when two become one. As in, we are becoming one with our cardboard cutout of Sean Lowe. The Bachelor Season 17 is finally upon us, and our bodies are all kinds of ready. Not only are we wearing a floor-length sequined gown, we're surrounded by a cornucopia of candelabras and several vats of Franzia.
But let's get down to business (to defeat the Huns — LOL, Mulan jokes), and check in on Sean. He's so contemplative lately, just climbing mountains and lurking by various rock formations, all the while shirtless and sad about his lack of girlfriend. It's just like, WHY, ROSE GODS, WHY IS THIS MAN SO LONELY? All we know is that watching Sean's abs troll the beaches of California while peeping in on other people's weddings is creepy, and something needs to be done. Something like locking him in a house while 26 semi-drunken single ladies fight for his attention.
C'mon and Kiss The Girl
Welcome to Bachelor Mansion, a rose-scented haven where tears flow like wine, women are often taken away on stretchers, and discarded bottles of tanning lotion litter the floor. Sean is totally ready to embark on his love journey with 26 lucky ladies, but there's just one problem: boyfriend has no idea how to kiss. Need we remind you of the time that he pressed his tender lips against Emily Maynard's face and it looked like he was trying to steal her chapstick?
Poor Sean needs help, which brings us to Arie Luyendyk, Jr., who visits Sean's love shack and teaches him how to mack like a pro. Let's just say watching Arie and Sean wiggle their tongues at each other is all we need in this world. It's like Santa just won't stop giving us presents! (Also, Santa = Chris Harrison).
But whatever, Arie. Time for you to go back to s’Hertogenbosch and be one with your Netherlandic tribe of jumpsuit lovers. There's only room for one man in Bachelor Mansion, and that man is Sean. This dude has to prepare his body for the arrival of 26 lovely ladies, all of whom are gorgeous and not at all mentally unstable.
Let the Games Begin
We don't have time to wax poetic about every single of one Sean's suitors (that's what our dream journal is for), but there are a few gems that need to be discussed. First up, Ashley , a 50 Shades of Grey-obsessed girl who tries to strangle Sean with a necktie upon meeting him. We hope Sean likes sex-toys, because this lady means business. Then there's Robyn, who gets out of her limo, proceeds to do a cartwheel, and ends up flopping all over the floor and almost breaking her neck. And finally, may we introduce Sarah Herron, a sweet as pie blonde bombshell who only has one arm, but shhh —– we're not talking about it. Also, SURPRISE! Kacie B. is one of Sean's contestants and our minds our blowing up like a giant rose-shaped balloon!
Naturally, Sean is a total gentleman to each and everyone of his future wives, but he's more than ready to break the rules. Not only does Sean gift a lucky lady named Tierra with the First Impression Rose within the first five seconds of meeting her, he spends the rest of the evening giving out flowers like they're wine-flavored candy. Basically, if you have lady parts and you're wearing glitter, you get a rose. ROSES FOR EVERYONE.
Of course, the fact that Sean giving up his rosey v-card has the ladies spiraling into a jealous rage, and most of the girls spend their evening surrounded by enormous pillows and candles while bitterly complaining. We expect Catherine to make a shiv out of dried petals and kill everyone in the house any second now. Her target? People named Ashley — aka half the girls in the mansion. Special shout out to Ashley P, who spends most of this episode dancing around the house completely wasted and saying things like "shhhh, shhhh, SHHHHHHH." All we know is that Sean referenced needing a rape whistle.
But guys? We're worried about Sean. This sweetheart of a man is just so gentle, and we're concerned that his harem of hotties will eat him alive — like, actually. Lord knows these girls have been deprived of nutrients for the past few months, and Sean is more than a little delicious. It's only a matter of time before this season turns into The Hunger Games, only with glitter-encrusted women instead of fiesty bakers named Peta.
The Rose Ceremony
The Rose Ceremony is always a stressful time for us. More often than not we end up sobbing hysterically while hurling cheese doodles at the television, but tonight was a whole different ball game. And we're not making a sports reference.
Thanks to Sean giving up his flowery goods to half the ladies in the house, there are only a few roses left to hand out. Most of these gals are close to tears despite the fact that they've only had a relationship with Sean for five minutes (unless you count the past year of dirty dreams), and our poor Bachelor is feeling more than a little guilty. He's just such a good guy, guys!
So, which unlucky bachelorettes get deflowered? That would be Ashley H, Bachelor Pad 3 veteran Paige Vigil, Lacey Latka (who gifted Sean a heart-shaped piece of lace), Lauren Marchetti, Keriann Miranda, Kelly Dutton, and Ashley Palenkas. Clearly, Sean hates ladies named Ashley. Especially ladies named Ashley who want to choke him with a tie.