The Bachelor has commenced, and it's even more wonderful than we imagined! Lucky for us (LUCKY FOR THE WORLD), ABC has released an extended promo of season 17, and we've analyzed each second content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come! Namely, nudity, monkeys, screaming, and hospitalization.
0:01 – Hoard Of Shrieking Ladies Runs Down Beach
An ABC intern must have accidentally left food out.
0:02 – Sean Checks Out Some Peeps Dressed Up As Birds
Sigh, change back into your suit, Chris Harrison. Bridle these urges.
0:04 – Sean Walks Into Palace MADE OF ICE
WTF, don't the producers know his abs are allergic to temperatures under 80 degrees?
0:10 – Sean Skips Gleefully Down The Beach With His Friends
He's like the most eager labrador retriever ever.
0:11 – Sean Tries To End It All, Hurls Himself Off Building
Oh, wait never mind. It's just a one-on-one date.
0:15 – Sean Forces One Of His Ladies To Lurk Under A Waterfall
This is Last of the Mohicans all over again. Also, if you don't understand our 90s movie references, we don't understand you.
0:16 – ABC Forces Contestants On Terrifying Rollercoaster, Everyone Plummets To Their Doom
We can't even imagine the waivers these people had to sign.
0:20 – Sean and Catherine Make Out On A Pirate Ship
OMG, we love some good ol' fashioned Peter Pan/Captain Hook role playing.
0:24 – Sean Laughs Uproariously For No Reason
Probably re-living that time Robyn tried to do a backflip.
0:34 – Sean Forces His Date To Hike Down A Cliff
If we didn't know better, we'd think he was trying to kill them all.
0:46 – Sean And Lady Friend Plunge Into Murky Pool Of Water (aka The Ocean)
See what we mean?
0:55 – Montage Of Sean Making Out With Various Women
Looks like Arie's kissing tips really paid off!
1:12 – Everyone Side-Eyes At Each Other In Disgust
It's like this house is filled with 26 Lauren Conrads.
1:25 – Desiree's Boyfriend Crashes The Party
How. DARE. SHE.
1:28 – Tierra Claims That Chocolate Chip Cookies "Taste Like Sh*t"
Annnnnd, our friendship with her is over.
1:38 – AshLee Narcs On Tierra To Sean
Duh. Cookie Haters have no place on The Bachelor.
1:48 – Tierra Says She's "Above Everyone Else"
At the rate she's going, girl is going to find a horse head in her bed.
2:00 – The Ladies Get In A Roller Derby Fight
This is like the sexy version of that Drew Barrymore movie.
2:17 – Tierra Is Whisked Away In An Ambulance While Sobbing
Clearly, her adorable Yorkie snuck on set and tried to eat her.
2:25 – Montage Of Ladies Ugly-Crying In Various Candlelit Rooms
Title speaks for itself.
2:37 – Sean Lowe Shed Tender Tears
Every time a teardrop falls from his eye, a stud gets its wings.
2:54 – Sean Trolls Beach Shirtless
Trying to find himself, we assume. Not to mention some clothing.
3:09 – Feral Monkey Photobombs Sean's Makeout Session
We've named him Emily Maynard.
3:11 – Sean Fondles Engagement Ring
We do, Sean! WE DO FOREVER.