Credit: video still

Everyone stop what you're doing and join us as we flail around in ecstasy and makeout with our computer screens (Sean Lowe is our desktop background, natch). This week, fans will be treated to two episodes of The Bachelor Season 17, which means we get to watch ladies cry for four hours. Judging from the promo, this double feature is going to be super-duper dramatic, and it looks like half of Sean's bachelorettes almost die of hypothermia.

We've analyzed each second of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:06 – Ladies Pack Into Old Timey Clown Car
Enough with your cruel and unusual mind games, ABC.

0:08 – Fleets of Canoes Drift Down A River
So many Pocahontas references, so little time. Also, please don't drown, guys.

0:09 – Sean Kisses Jackie On Picnic Blanket
Innocent woodland creatures immediately go blind.

0:10 – Sean Pushes His Date Down a Snowy Mountain
How romantically homicidal of him!

0:11 – Sean Kisses Lindsay In a Field of Dead Grass
God knows what kind of weird hillbilly bugs are currently attacking them.

0:12 – ABC Gets Experimental With Their Font
LOL, geocities flashbacks.

0:13 – Sean and His Date Repel Down YET ANOTHER CLIFF
Dear god Sean, we promise one of them will fall down if you just let it happen naturally.

0:15 – Sean Rams His Tongue Down Jackie's Throat
He might be a virgin, but he definitely isn't a MOUTH VIRGIN.

0:20 – Random Helicopter Zooms Around Like "Hey, Guys!"
We assume it's ambulatory.

0:23 – Sean Blindfolds Tierra, Forces Her to Kiss Him
Ashley Palenkas is so turned on right now.

0:26 – Sean and Catherine Go on Adorable Stagecoach Ride
This is Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman all over again, except with way more attempted murder.

0:28 – Selma Attacks Sean Like Some Rabid Feral Animal
These ladies are desperate, what can we say?

0:32 – Daniella Starts Crying Tragic Tears Made Out Of Rose Water and Doom
Yawn, what else is new.

0:33 – Tierra Cackles Insanely, We Run Away In Fear
OMG, the split personality has finally taken over her brain.

0:35 – Tierra Raises Her Eyebrow In the Most Evil Way Ever
Communicating with her yorkshire terrier, probs.

0:41 – Tierra Threatens to "Beat The Shit Out of These Bitches"
ABC continues to turn a blind eye.

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0:45 – Tierra Runs Hysterically Through a Frozen Lake
We can only assume she's being chased by a computer generated image of what Sean would look like fat.

0:49 – Someone Shouts "LIFEGUARD" In Horror
Um...there are no lifeguards in the mountains, innocent lambs.

0:50 – Tierra's Body Gets Shrouded In a Plastic Bag and Carried to Places Unknown
We'll pour one out for you, home girl.

1:02 – Tierra Shakes Uncontrollably In Plane While Epic Music Plays
She's like an adorable frightened chihuahua, only half dead.

Credit: YouTube Photo: Bachelor 2013 Promo: Sean and Catherine's First One-on-One Date! (VIDEO)