So many things happened during The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 7 in St. Croix. We became pregnant with the fruit of Sean Lowe's looms, several dolphins lost the will to live, Chris Harrison wandered into the forest and hasn't been seen or heard from since, and Tierra LiCausi was finally sent home. We've rounded up the top five OMG moments from the episode, all of which might traumatize you.
1. Tierra Suffers Psychotic Eyebrow Breakdown
Tierra can't control her eyebrows. SHE CAN'T CONTROL THEM. But it looks like these furry caterpillars of doom were ultimately responsible for her being booted out of Sean's love nest. Well, that and the fact that she spent most of her waking hours ugly-crying on a cot, like some weird orphan (no offense, AshLee Frazier. We love orphans).
We were sad to see Tierra go back from whence she came, and when we say sad, we mean emotionally destroyed. Sean's harem of ladies just won't be the same without her adorable brushes with death, and we'll never forget the way she grinded with those innocent bird-people. #memories #feathers #sweat #conchshells
2. Sean Lowe Makes Out With AshLee in the Ocean... She Half Drowns
Shockingly, Sean didn't throw any of his girlfriends off a mountain during this week's episode of The Bachelor. Because he was too busy drowning them. Yep, Sean forced AshLee to flop onto the beach, and then proceeded to mount her like a stallion and watch gleefully as the tide enveloped her.
At one point, these two were fully submerged in water, and we're pretty sure Sean was giving AshLee mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Either that or he was smothering her with his tongue. It's hard to know because we were kind of distracted by all the seagulls trying to commit suicide. It's ok, bird friends. Soon your island will once again be virginal.
3. Sean Gyrates His Hips at Us
Much like Shakira, Sean's hips don't lie. And watching them wiggle around Tierra's booty shorts as a fleet of terrified locals flounced around was truly terrifying. Let's just say The Virgin Islands just lost their virginity. And they may or may not be pregnant with Tierra and Sean's love child, a beautiful albino creature with frozen toes and and invisible eyebrows.
In other news, let's give Sean a big ol' high-five for his amazing circular hip motions. He was dancing in the streets, guys. It was like Billy Elliot all over again, but we cried even harder.
4. Sean Deflowers Lesley, We Blame Her Maxi Dress
Lesley Murphy made a total rookie mistake during her one-on-one date with Sean. Not only was she wearing clothing (um, it's called a bikini), she refused to tell Sean that she loved him. C'mon, Lesley –– all the other girls are doing it. Get on board. Instead, this foolish girl forced Sean to "pick fruit" and chat about his childhood. The result? She was unceremoniously rejected during the rose ceremony. In fact, Sean was so grossed out by Lesley's lack of feels, that he didn't even give her a chance to redeem herself during cocktail hour. He canceled it, much like he canceled her.
5. AshLee Drops The L-Word
And when we say "AshLee Drops The L-Word" we actually mean that she stood on a table and screamed "I LOVE SEAN" into the night sky, killing several innocent sea anemones while doing so. We have no idea why Sean and his lady loves are so obsessed with screaming things at no one in particular (remember when Desiree blurted out ("HELLO MONTANA" at that unsuspecting moose?), but who knows? Maybe they're communicating with Ghosts of Bachelors Past.