Remember back in the days of Bachelor yore when Sean Lowe and Lindsay Yenter would skip around the mountains together, feed each other bugs, sacrifice their bodies to feral monkey tribes, and be all "I love you" and "I love that you feel that way"? SO DO WE, because it was all so beautiful, and now their love is DEAD like these maggots we're eating. (That's right, thanks to Sean we eat bugs. Are you happy, ABC? Are you?).
We barely know what to do with ourselves now that The Bachelor Season 17 is over (other than fling our bodies off a building — in a romantic way), but we somehow managed to tear ourselves away from recreating THIS with macaroni noodles to produce "Sean and Lindsay: The Way They Were."
Episode 1 (September 24th, 2013): Lindsay Propositions Sean In a Wedding Dress
Remember when Lindsay showed up at Bachelor Mansion in a bridal gown, forced Sean to slow dance to the sound of zero music, begged him to kiss her, and their meandered around crying while everyone side-eyed her? Apparently, Linds made quite the impression on Sean (presumably because he has a fetish for drunk brides), but it doesn't look like this gal will get another chance to dance with her groom. Sob, a millions sobs!
Episode 5 (October 10th): Sean and Lindsay's First One-on-One
Sean treated Lindsay to her first one-on-one date in Glacier National Park, Montana, where they bonded under a decapitated moose head, chatted about important topics like BABIES, and then danced in public while a bunch of backwoods hill people cheered them on. And yes, Sean and Lindsay kissed while a bunch of townies gawked at them, because this wouldn't be The Bachelor without voyeurs.
Episode 6 (October 17th): Lindsay Risks Hypothermia For Sean
In an effort to show Sean just how deep her feelings were, Lindsay plunged into sub-zero waters while wearing a bikini. The fact that she didn't die was a total turn on for Sean, but then again so are ladies with hypothermia. Case in point: Tierra LiCausi and her frostbitten toes.
Episode 7 (week of October 21st): Lindsay Wins The Group Date Rose In St. Croix
Sean was super inspired by the Virgin Islands, so much so that he tried to cash in his V-card by having a early morning menage a trois with Desiree, Catherine and Lindsay. During this beautiful afternoon of three-way lovemaking, Lindsay and Sean made out on the beach while a seagull tried to commit suicide, and he was so inspired that he gave her the group date rose!
Episode 9 (October 29th): Hometowns
Sean and Lindsay had an amazing time exploring Fort Leonard Wood (where her dad is currently stationed). They fed each other cupcakes, practiced army drills, and Sean even wore a turtleneck so as not to terrify the locals with that massive bulge that supports his head. And yes, Lindsay's parents totally approved of Sean, because how could they not?
Episode 9: Fantasy Suites
Sean took Lindsay to a Thai market and forced herself to eat crickets, and when she didn't die he rewarded her with a romantic beach session complete with an entire pack of hungry monkeys who tried to sacrifice Sean's body to their monkey lord. As you might expect, Lindsay was so inspired by their date that she dropped the L-word on Sean, and then chilled out in his fantasy suite — a beautiful lair of love filled with futons.
Finale (November 17th): Sean Picks Catherine, Rejects Lindsay
After days of melancholy contemplation, Sean decided to reject Lindsay and ask Catherine to be his bride. It's a confusing time for all of us, because much like Sean, we've grown attached to each and every one of his sister wives. We'll never forget you, Lindsay. Now excuse us while we go slip into a bridal gown and have an imaginary wedding with our Sean Lowe doll.