If Bachelor Sean Lowe was our boyfriend, we would make him take us to the mall, have dinner at the Olive Garden, and give each other facials with that peel-off cucumber stuff that smells kind of like nail polish. So, lucky for everyone, Sean’s skin is safe and his palate is untainted by endless breadsticks and wine coolers. As for the mall part? Well, Chris Harrison and his line of men’s “cool dad” shirts have the fancy times covered. The V-necks are leftover from his days rollin’ hotties at state school and making people pay on the gridiron.

We digress (get used to it). Tonight, on The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5, Sean takes his harem to manscape Montana, one hay bale at a time. Also happening? A special one-on-one date and a two-on-one to remember. Who stays, who goes home, and who loses her mind (again)? You’ll just have to wait and see. So put on your soft pants, kick off your clear stilettos, and strap on your beer helmet. It’s time to go down to rose-givin’ town.

Part One: “It’s so exciting to, like, smell the fresh air.”
 
“You have an hour to pack your bags and get to the airport.” You know Lindsay’s all “EFF! How am I going to fit that wedding dress in my duffel?”
 
Sean and his henley “already miss” the ladies, and who can blame him? He loves to test girls by wearing two slit-necked shirts and making them go outside.
 
Selma has changed her tune, because she’s all “Thanks for making my dreams come true by making me go outside” whereas last time we checked in on her, she hated everything about being one with nature.
 
The date card comes and cutie Lindsay gets the date and she is all teary and wearing gingham (foreshadow the rest of the date). Sean doesn’t even let her pretty cry (she does it pretty well) before he swoops in and they plaid-off into the distance.
 
“She almost went home the first night and now I’m glad she didn’t,” Sean tells us. Let’s hope he only told us that, because nothing sets the tone quite like knowing you’re there by the skin of your highlights.
 
We see like ten minutes of their day date before it’s nighttime and there’s a fire and some more kissing and V-neck wearing. Times two. “Moving around makes me such a strong person.” Linds says “adolescence” four times and they talk about having babies and she squee-voices and then they kiss. They are a cute couple.
 
Big time realization for Seansie? “Maybe I’m the guy to do it with.” Settle down, that is. Gutter, ladies.
 
The ladies back at the house are all having nervy b’s about the group date and everyone’s names except for Jackie and Tierra are called. For once, they’re stoked.
 
“She was happy as a little bumble bee... filled with honey,” AshLee country drawls about Tierra. “If I were her, I’d be a little more... sober.” No kidding.
 
Back on the onesie time with Seano, Linds gets a rose. They continue to 7th grade kiss (read, lots of breaking apart, almost zero tongues) and then Sean has a surprise for Lindsay. Surprise! It’s not his precious flower. It’s a Sarah Darling concert (who?). He picks her up and tosses her around him. “I want to be your cigarette” the singer we’ve never heard of sings. How... romantic?

 

"I could see myself ending up with Lindsay," Sean says. Don't feel too special girl. He likes all the girls.
 
Part Two: The gallon goat challenge, and more outdoor fun 
 
Selma sets the bar high by jumping in Sean’s arms. Do you feel Lindsay’s warmth still there, Selm? Mwahaha.
 
“Are those dogs?” asks the most indoor kid of them all, seeing the goats for the first time. No surprise, single Chris Harrison’s favorite event in the relay race they’re about to embark on is the goat milking portion. The rest involves a canoe race, hay bail haul... it sounds horrible.
 
The losing team goes back to the lodge. That sounds backwards, but that’s just because we can practically feel the ticks jumping out of the hay.
 
Poor Sarah says, for the eightieth time, “I don’t think my arm is going to hold me back this time.”
 
Catherine and Lesley M haul bass to the canoe and are already leaving Robyn and Selma in their wake. “I really had doubts they would ever finish,” Sean says of the quickly veering landlubbers. It’s hard to watch. Think volleyball game with even less coordination.

“We have run into every bush there is,” Selma says. Shh, don’t tell Sean.
 
Maybe it’s just because we’re the worst people ever, but everything sounds like a euphemism. “Dock their boat,” “buck their hay.” Sex. We’re thinking about sex, you guys. Daniella has to run with her hands over her tas and it’s just as entertaining as it sounds.
 
What could be more amusing? The girls sawing at things and milking goats and it’s just a lot to take. “Get that right nipple” says someone who isn’t Sean. The red team takes the lead but then the goat, who is on team blue, knocks over the cup. Des chugs the milk and it is white stuff all over her face and stop it, guys. It’s just milk. They say I’d do anything “even drinking goat milk” as if it’s a bigger deal than carrying hay bales or wearing matching gingham shirts (did we mention that’s happening? It’s like there’s a picnic on their chest and everyone is invited).
 
Sean makes the whole competition moot by sending his manservant Chris Harrison to the house and telling them that the blue team gets to have a date too. “Sending you home didn’t feel good. Please join me at the party tonight.” If I were Des, I would be PISSED. ALL THAT GOAT MILK, you guys.
 
Tierra is writing a letter and we have a few ideas about what it says: “Dear Sean. I am the girl for you. Make the right choice. Or else.” She crazy eye says that she’s going to track him down.
 
Let’s hope the ladies brought their knives for the fight, because the red team is not stoked on the uninvited guests showing up. Fun for us: no one is hiding it.
 
“A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with.” Yep, Sean just said that.
 
Tierra has stolen a blue lumberjack shirt and traipsed over to the party. She sneaks up on Sean in his interview and for once, he doesn’t sound stoked to see her.
 
“I was happy to see her but I had no idea why she was there.” Can we reiterate that she stole somebody’s shirt to “blend in” even though the girls all put on normal clothes. “I feel like I got a head start on the two-on-one date” Tierra says. And then she and her forehead crease kiss Sean some more.

“I worry about Tierra,” Sean says. Yeah, bucko, us too...

 
Sean steals Des and right as she’s saying how glad she is to finally have some time with him, Ash barges in. Girlfriend looks sweet but we’d bet a lace frock that she would open her special drawer of whoop-ass and carefully select the properly alphabetized b*tch-beating agent if needed.
 
Back at the house, Tierra has returned. Chris Harrison has tried his hand at poetry “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.” Beautiful, Chris. Embroider that on all your shirts.
 
“I love being with Catherine” Seany says as he carries her off to tell her he’s not “worried about her.”

Daniella is crying and she’s beautiful and this is too much. It’s like watching a Barbie emote. She doesn’t look at Sean as she says “it’s hard to see the other girls connect with you.” He spits some game her way “I love being with you. I love having fun with you.” Didn’t we just hear that?

“I don’t want you to feel like I’ve forgotten about you” Sean says. Yeah, D, you’re not Jackie. She gets the rose because she “really stood out.” Ouch, red team. That hurts, huh? Intruders taking your man and your flowers? We told you to bring those shivs.

Part Three: Riding dirty.

“I’m going to be looking for different things with both of the girls.” What?

He’s going to probe Tierra is our takeaway. He says he really likes Jackie, which is not possible because as cute as she is, she’s had approximately 2 ½ minutes of screentime.

Sean’s mode of dissipating conflict: horseback riding. Tierra apparently dosed Jackie’s horse because it’s like five miles behind Sean and Tierra’s.

“There are some things Sean needs to know about Tierra,” Jackie starts, apparently unaware that she’s hardly the first person to say this, but certainly won’t be the first to make it past this and into the love zone. Jackie tells Sean that Tierra flirted with another boy at the airport. Well, guess what Jackie, he’s already made out with like four girls in the last 45 minutes. So...

“If I could be someplace else, I’d be there right now.” Us too, Sean. We don’t understand why this is a tough call. Jackie might not understand that she made a wrong move, but at least she’s NOT TIERRA. Come on, Sean. Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and look at Tierra’s right eyebrow.

“I get scared because I have the biggest heart,” Tierrable says. “I loved a guy and he was in and out of rehabs.” “Drug and alcohol rehab?” Sean asks. No, for his foot. It was really hard. We understand the loss, but let’s talk about this mathly. Tierra loved someone for five years who passed away in 2009. She’s 24. Meaning she was dating someone super unstable for all of her dating years. Finally, it all makes sense.

“Jackie, our relationship has been slower to develop, and I know why.” Why? Why, Sean? We don’t remember because we are drinking and don’t really care, but we do want to know why you CHOOSE TIERRA. WHY. WHY. ALL THE WHYS.

Jackie is a beautiful crier (take notes, Kristy Kaminski) and says “I don’t know what Sean’s looking for. I know it’s not me but it’s not Tierra.” She speaks as only someone who has lived through Tierra’s wrath can.

There are fireworks in the sky and Tierra pets her rose as she says “my heart melts” about Jackie. And then CRAZY CACKLES. No exaggeration. Elsewhere, Sean’s wise niece Kensington yells her beyond-her-years brilliance at the TV “Kensington is not happy with this rose...” Sean’s sis tweets.

Part Four: “I’ll make this a bad girls’ club.”

“I’m excited to spend the last night in Montana with ten beautiful women.” In a skinny tie and beige shirt? Way to rise to the occasion.

We love Des even more when she says it was a great date “until you screwed us over.” Sean reassures her, saying she doesn’t need that extra time with him. “I hope you can see how sincere I am when I’m with you,” Sean says. That’s not the problem, dude. You’re “sincere” with everyone. That’s your charm/downfall.

The drama with Tierra is great, but we’re bored of her. So basically Robyn comes over with Lesley to fight her. How is it possible that Tierra’s blank face is scarier than everyone’s scary faces. She refers to herself in the third person and says “threa-tenned” a bunch of times.

“If I want to go get engaged, I could easily go get engaged. There’s plenty of guys in the world.” We just can’t even with this one right now.

“No matter what I do, somebody is always watching me.” Yeah, it’s National TV. “This is all repetitive drama,” Tierra says. Our thoughts. Her voice gets all Regan MacNeil-y (look it up, noobs), and Sean walks through the room. Perfection.

Tierra is a genius. She speaks in small words and says she’s “such a nice girl” and appeals to Sean’s super naive side (“I don’t want to be naive, I don’t.”). “If somebody sees something that affects me, I want them to tell me that.” Really Sean? Hi, our name is Kacie/Jackie/America, and we’re here to talk to you.

Sean makes things awkward by putting Lesley on the spot about Tierra, and Les clearly lives in politco-land because she finds a way to say that Tierra is a cold hard bitch without using so many words. Spin Doctor Murphy, that’s your new name, mmkay? We'll keep working on that. 

"I really want to listen to you but I'm not going to," is pretty much Sean's announcement to the room. Then why ask, buddy? Were the producers out of shots of you in your boxers to fill the time?

“I don’t care if Tierra has a rose, I hope he sends her home anyway.” Preach.

The truth comes out in Sean’s time with Czar Chris, who didn’t like Montana as much as we also, um, didn’t like it. “Nights like this, I’m not sure if my wife is in there,” Sean says. You mean other than Tierra Lowe, right?

“I just talked to Sean and that happy-go-lucky guy isn’t here right now,” Chris tells the ladies. Surprise! You’re all going home and Sean is going back to his diet of Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

Selma gets the first rose even though she’s wearing a shower curtain. Also wearing an unfortunately bathroom themed print, Catherine and her brand new rose. Rad lady Lesley gets the third (sixth?) rose and she is the coolest person there.

Sean grips the rose like a weapon and gives it to doe-eyed AshLee while everyone else pretty-glares. Sarah gets another rose and we want her bracelet and then there’s only one left. Who is it for? Des. Duh. You guys. Stop giving her the last or second to last rose. Sean JUST said that she shouldn’t doubt his feelings.

Sorry, Robyn. Maybe you can start a bad girls’ club on Bachelor Pad 4. Sean puts her in a limo back to Texas (no loyalty) with a cordial “good luck.” You too, buddy. You’re the one with Tierra still able to break into your house while you sleep at night. Robyn can’t even manage to cry real tears and we feel her. It’s not like they ever really had a connection. She’s just a pretty girl in a passable maxi dress.

Next on The Bachelor: Sean thinks he left drama behind and someone else gets hurt (surprise) and it’s (surprise) Tierra. There’s more confrontation and blah blah we’re so bored of her. Seriously, when crying is your natural state, it’s not interesting anymore. Take note.

 

Will Sean find love? Will he see through Tierra's antics? Will he ever stop wearing henleys and V-necks? So many questions and only a few more episodes to answer them.