Is it morning already? It feels like we just drifted off into a drunken sleep stupor a few minutes ago, thoughts of Sean Lowe in assless chaps dancing in our heavy heads. But it’s time again for The Bachelor Season 17 and the ladies and Sean are off to Canada, where the moose (why is there no plural?) are big, the fries are covered in gravy, and the classy broads are going to make us all feel like we should stop wearing Uggs to the opera.
Yes, that’s right, friends and frenemies. It’s about to get international (sort of) all up in this joint. On this episode, Desiree Hartsock will give us even more reason to love her (seriously, girl crush up the wazoo), while Tierra LiCausi will inspire a new level of nail picking and trichotillomania as she continues to act like herself.
Also happening? An emotional goodbye or two. According to the synopsis, “Out of compassion, [Sean] feels he needs to say good-bye now. Feeling that this is for the best, he tries to let the devastated bachelorette down easy.” We feel you should also know that this is after another one of “Sean’s fun surprises.” Think about what that means, and let’s all grimace together. New drinking game: a shot every time you would not want to be on a date... Let’s get sloppy!
Part One: Forging a New Frontier
“Lake Louise screams romance,” Lesley says as the girls arrive at another of “the most beautiful things they’ve ever seen.” No, girl, that’s just Tierra whispering to you in your sleep.
Catherine gets a 1-on-1 and the cameras cut to a view of her on an icy mountain. “I’m waiting for Sean in the middle of nowhere,” she says. At least if she gets snowed in, they’ll be able to spot her enormous earrings in her frozen hands as she tries to claw her way out. Because Sean wants to make sure this “snow tryst” is a chaste affair, he gives Catherine a full-on onesie snowsuit. Coulda eaten those carbs after all.
“I don’t know how it’s going to go,” Sean hints (obvi at the perfect date). “We’re being pelted with snow flakes.” That’s not a thing. They do flips and stuff and it looks horrible, honestly, because Sean’s normally pink face has gotten magenta and they drink hot chocolate and cover themselves in a cotton blanket, which really makes us wonder how these dates are planned.
After he’s done torturing Catherine, Sean takes her on a carriage ride somewhere less chapping. They both say some cliche things about “living life to the fullest,” and then go to an ice castle. Look, nothing against how pretty and igloo-y it is (we like to imagine that they had the local felons build it as community service), but if it’s cold enough outside that that isn’t melting, can’t we just go to a movie or bowling or something?
Back where it’s warm, a group date card arrives to “bare our souls” and Daniella cries because she’s on it and has never had a 1-on-1. Take it as a compliment, girl. You’re too hot to be alone with.
Because she wants to make sure Sean knows her and stays close, Catherine tells a terrifying story about how a girl in front of her on a trail when she was 12 got hit by a falling tree and died. Sean says “thank you,” and we are all uncomfortable. After saying he’s glad she shared with him, he calls her sexy (off-camera) and reacts inappropriately and then gives her a rose. It’s like ⅛ of the way into the episode, and already it’s obvious that Catherine is going to be the best part of the night. We can tell because producers didn’t bother drawing anything out.
"Catherine has melted my heart," Sean says. We're worried that he doesn't mean it tongue-in-cheekily at all and he just is that cheesy. It's okay, he's pretty with his flushed face and we can't see his V-neck under all the layers, so everyone is happy.
Part Two: Row Row Your Boat or Drown Trying
Can we talk about Lesley? She is the shit. She’s clearly the only one who can do math quickly, because she’s already like one foot into Sean’s canoe when she figures out that A) he’s the only one who isn’t going to let her drown, and B) she can let him stare at her sweet booty while they get automatic 1-on-1 time. Get it, girl.
The girls are like “OMG I totally want a hot tub fun! There’s no way he’d make us jump in this beautiful water!” Because they haven’t watched the show and have all opted to forget everything bad they don’t want to have done on this season. And obvi, guys, Sean is like “you don’t have to jump in to this freezing lake.” Subtext: you’d better jump in.
Hey, just a real talk moment: if some guy introduces you to an EMT on your date, it’s not a great date. Okay, now back to the “festivities.”
Sean gets the girls undressed and Selma is all “F THIS S!” and she’s the one with the built in floating devices who already scaled a rock, so you know it must be cold.
SLowe must have just learned a new word: “A couple of girls seem stoked to do this. A couple of girls don’t seem as stoked to do it.” Who the F is STOKED TO JUMP IN A FREEZING LAKE? SERIOUSLY?
“I am from Baghdad. We don’t do this,” Selma says. “You’re only going to be able to do this once in your life,” Sean urges her. Yeah, Sean, because it KILLS YOU. Right? That’s not what you’re saying? Oh, okay. Were you talking about The Bachelor? Because, Kacie. "I could come back here and do this anytime..." Yep, Selma wins this battle of the minds.
“No one’s ever in my life made me want to do something for them,” AshLee reveals. Maybe don’t tell people that...
The girls all lose their minds talking about how great of an experience it was to just take the plunge. Yeah, but will the lake respect you in the morning? Tierra can’t let everyone just be stoked, so she “gets hypothermia.”
Sean feels Tierrable and they carry her out all rolled up like a joint and UGH THIS ONE. What are you THINKING with her, Sean? Probs about how cold it is in your pants right now. Good thing you’re wearing horizontal stripes. As any girl would tell you, that was the right choice to make things look less skinny.
Um, are they walking Tierra all the way back to the hotel? Yes, yes they are. Let’s hope they also had to paddle her across the lake first and then go on an obstacle course in which they competed to chip off the ice chips from her skin as quickly as possible. Then someone has to milk her. Sorry, this isn’t funny because we hate being cold. In fact, we just all put on Snuggies in honor of Tierra. \
“Catherine and I run downstairs and she did not look so good. She had mascara running down her face...” Dear Desiree, we’ll marry you if Sean doesn’t. Not to be shown up, Catherine throws in her sympathy card. “She looked disheveled.”
The normal girls are all bonding and BFF and, well, still dating the same guy. Meanwhile, Tierra is upstairs in a robe and bed. For Christmas, we’d like to have a screen shot of Tierra eating a sandwich with breathing tubes in while someone holds her feet.
Then she makes an amputation joke to Sean and she’s like “HAHA” and wow, really? “You keep managing to find ways to have 1-on-1 time with me!” Sean jokes, as if it’s not true. YES SEAN. YES THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY ARE YOUR SYNAPSES NOT ALL FIRING?!?!?! YES.
AshLee contributes more of her “giving” self, but to us this time, saying “since Tierra is injured, more time for the rest of the girls.” Can’t blame her.
“I’m very grateful for their energy” Sean is proud of the girls for jumping in the lake, like it’s some sort of Herculean feat. And because the cold has clearly erased all of their sensitivity training, Sean says “overall I think it was a very good day,” WEKJ:LSKJH:LSKJH:LKJTIERRA
Lesley and Sean have alone time (he’s once again wearing that grey Henley and we are worried about his fashion budget. WILL IT NEVER GO AWAY?!!) Because it’s such a romantic moment, Lesley leans in and whispers the words every guy wants to hear: “I’m just glad I got to jump in a lake with you.”
Sean keeps repeating “energy” and we need it to be code for something. “I love your energy,” he tells Lesley, who is wearing his Sears Dad blazer (presumably borrowed from CH).
Then they kiss and Lesley totally grabs his face to make him kiss differently. Way to drive the bus, girl. If anyone knows best, it’s you.
Sarah shows Sean photos of her family which seems A LITTLE SOON but okay, this is how the show works. Then she talks about how she has a prosthesis so she could learn to ride a bike and we TAKE IT ALL BACK. Then she shows Sean photos of her with her favorite Cabbage Patch doll. Is wearing sequin dress. SARAH FOR NEXT BACHELORETTE DONE SOLD BUT LESS CHICOS ACCESSORIZING PLEASE
Catherine and Desiree have basically teamed up. “Desiree getting another 1-on-1 instead of Tierra or Daniella is huge.” Date card says “Don’t be scared... to fall in love.”
Catherine: “I honestly want Tierra to get a 1-on-1 because I want to see Sean get past her bullshit.”
Lindsay is chatting with the girls, trying to psychoanalyze why Tierra is the way she is. AshLee is over it and is all “I’m about to put the brakes on this.” and then Tierra walks in and sits in between everyone on the couch. Lesley cocks her head and throws major shade. “She is a professional at getting attention. How to Fake An Injury 101. If this is a class, she should teach it.”
Lindsay sums it all up: “if Sean ends up with her, he is going to be EXHAUSTED.”
The night keeps getting better and more romantic, because Sean goes and gets Sarah from the lady shack. “Am I in trouble?” Sarah asks. Yes. Obvi. Sean tells her he’s been forcing it with her. Really, dude? Make the girl jump through near-literal hoops and then jump in a frozen lake and then dismiss her? What’s the frozen heart version of “Burn”? Because, that.
And then Sean takes Sarah back to the girls and he’s all “uh, take your time saying your goodbye but, uh, yeah, okay” and then he and his henley wander off down the awkwardly long hallway. Everyone is “freaking shocked” and Sarah cries and it’s too much. What are these things in our eyes? It’s like there’s onion in the air and we can’t tell why our hearts hurt and ugh is this what feelings feel like?
Part Three: Des Is In The Sound of Music
Sean wears a henley and that’s all you need to know to set the scene. And his jeans are oddly skinny, by the way. But he shares his innermost thoughts and everything is great. Bambi runs by as he whispers the romantic words, “Montana is the first time I ever went North.” Good talk.
“I brought you up here so we can have a picnic,” Sean says and it’s all sweet and good until he tells her she has to jump off the cliff to get to it. There better be, like, spot prawn ceviche and a growler of French 75s to make this worth it. This is no Hollywood building. We can hear the wind roar and the last girl who jumped off a building for Sean has already gone home today.
“If anything goes wrong, you’re dropping to your death.” Just like love. Or something. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere. They stop and kiss as they rappel down the mountain. Ugh. Cue a bald eagle or something, because this is as ‘Merica as a Canadian date has ever been.
This is beautiful and the blanket is all unwrinkled and they are beautiful but real talk: Sean is the worst kisser still. Then they climb a sad tree that ABC probably pruned so we could get the money shot. “Come here, my little cub!” Sean yells, which is the cutest thing a guy can yell, FTR.
Because they’re both so insanely fresh-faced and exactly as outdoorsy as someone who has romantic moments in the tree has to be, it looks like fun. Yeah, we said it. If we were Des, we’d be stoked that the majority of our date took place in a tree.
There’s a crackling fire and hipster sweater (his) on the second part of the date. Sean’s all “you could be positive in any situation, huh?” Yeah, Sean. Like the time when she was on this date with a dude who set her up to take a fall for a broken masterpiece.
Des reveals she used to live in tents and trailers and Sean’s hair is paying full attention but man that crackling is loud. Like a trashcan fire.
She tells him she wants all the things and a best friend and he says “that’s exactly what I want my wife to want,” and she echos our sentiments exactly when she’s all “greaaaat.” But then they make out and why does he not move his head at all and she gets a rose. They’re like in a teepee and it must feel just like home (too soon?) “I opened up about spending some of my life in a tent, and here I am, falling in love in a teepee.” Nope, doesn’t sound better when she says it.
Part Four: Selma’s Boobs vs. Tierra’s Fur Vest — Battle of the Chesticals
Selma “Let’s. Be. Honest. You’re gonna WIFE THAT?” Winner.
Daniella looks like Britney Spears in the good days (minus the denim onesie) and Sean is wearing a three-piece suit and we’re worried he’s going to roll out a bar and start mixologying.
Selma and her yellow dress-clad boobs pull Sean aside and Selma’s like “F my religion, I’m going to kiss you.” And so they do and it was not worth the sacrifice, IMHO.
Apparently Lindsay cropped and bedazzled her wedding dress, and she and Sean go out in the cold and we love her but her voice you guys. It’s just a lot to take with our too much wine / not enough caffeine headache. But she tells Sean she sleeps naked and he says “I’m not going to fight you on that one... Do you sleep naked here?” As in, I know where you sleep but NO! Not that. Remember who we’re dealing with.
On their alone time, AshLee brings up her adoption again and she hands Sean a scarf to blindfold her. Did Ashley Palenkas bequeath that to you and your middle part?
“I love every time he kisses me,” AshLee lies. “I, like, adore you.”
“I feel like I pushed a mountain out of my...” life, guys. Life.
It’s rose ceremony time, and all the girls must be out of dress money because only two of them are cute. Tierra gets a rose and we are so confused because alskdfjl;asdkjfslakdjfopaweiurlasdkfjsl;adkfjasl;dfji (head hits keyboard in frusHATEion). The other girls are huffy, and rightfully so because UGH AGAIN.
We’re hoping whomever made those dresses also picked this music, since we’re going to have to leave someone behind when we run off to the islands, and that person seriously messed up.
Anyway, Daniella must still be cold from the water because when she is eliminated, she says “I am keeping a straight face” and then cries some more. Somebody get this girl a mascara commercial because she still looks great.
Apparently the theme of this episode is "leave your comfort zone on the first bus out" because the other girl to go home is Selma, who finally gave up her TV kissing cherry and then has to pack her shiz up and go. Good thing she wears everything a size too small because it’s easier to stuff her clothes into her peace out bag. At least she’ll look good walking away.
To really make sure we remember Canada, Sean says “you six were the six for me” and we imagine a Bollywood scene with Sean in a snake charmer outfit, trying to choose a bride and possibly playing cricket to win their hearts. Our wine box is empty and the smoke alarm has been going off for an hour and there’s a knocking in our brains or at the door, so it must be over.
Next week, Sean and his harem travel to St. Croix (just don’t ask him to pronounce it) where the chickens eat chicken, the pristine water makes everyone less crazy (not), and we drop down to the final four. Good night, America. It’s been real.