As usual, we spent most of this week's Bachelor collapsed in a bean bag chair (yes, they still make those) while wearing a glittery ball gown made from plastic and hot glue. Also, we were OMGing ourselves silly thanks to the complete insanity that went on in Bachelor Mansion. Check out the biggest jaw-dropping moments of the night!
5. Sean's Tongue Goes Swimming In Everyone's Mouth
All the muscles in Sean Lowe's body are super strong, including his tongue, which is basically like an overly-eager golden retriever puppy who just can't stop licking everyone. We had to take five consecutive showers after watching Sean moisten his girlfriends lips with saliva, and we still feel like we watched a soft-core porn based on Sister Wives. But hey — at least Sean's nightly kissing lessons from Arie Luyendyk, Jr. are paying off!
4. Sean Sends Sarah Home — Oh, Wait, Nevermind He Gives Her A Puppy!
LOL, Sean you prankster you! As we know, this Bachelor loves to make ladies cry and then be alll "JUST KIDDING!" and this week was no exception. Sean whisked Sarah away to a limo, watched her sob hysterically for a few minutes, and then broke into a smile and was like "surprise, puppies!" The good news? Sarah got to bond with her doggie. The bad news? It was promptly sent back from whence it came and never heard from again.
3. Tierra Sacrifices Her Body For Sean
We're starting to get seriously concerned about the things Sean's girlfriends will do in order to spend time with him. Case in point, Tierra, who hurled her body off the top of a staircase and suffered a concussion –– just to experience the joy of Sean touching her thigh. Then again, it isn't abnormal for ladies to spontaneously throw themselves off buildings when Sean is in the room. Need we remind you of his first date with Sarah? These girls are like a bunch of horny lemmings.
2. Sean Cries, We Cry, EVERYONE IS SOBBING
Did you see Sean's baby blues well-up during AshLee's adoption story? His eyes were leaking raindrops made of studliness! Watching Sean cry caused us to spiral into a fit of dry-heaving and ugly-sobbing, because emotions. So many emotions. Sean just became even more perfect, if that's possible, which it is.
1. Sean and Lesley Partake In Worst Kiss Ever
When we heard Sean and Lesley were going to set the record for World's Longest On-Screen Kiss, we imagined a full-blown makeout session. Instead, they simply affixed their lips together and remained unmoving for a full three minutes. Well, other than Sean's hands, which literally wouldn't stop groping Lesley's butt. Honestly, Lesley would have had more fun macking on that crazy bearded man who kept licking his lips in the background.