The hills are alive with the sound of OMGs! The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5 took things to a whole new level of spectacular, and we're not just talking about the magnificent scenery in Montana. Sean Lowe's lady loves were feistier than ever, and we've rounded up the biggest jaw-droppers of the episode for you to look back on.
Sigh, we'll never binge-eat goat meat the same way again.
5. Tierra Escapes Into The Great Unknown
Like most certifiably insane (in a cute way!) Bachelor contestants, Tierra LiCausi spends her evenings locked in a cage filled with candelabras and white wine until she's let out in the morning to suckle at Sean's nipples with the rest of her harem. But this week she escaped the Bachelor Fortress of Solitude, wandered around the mountains of Montana with a herd of traumatized goats, and eventually showed up at the group date, where she coyly affixed her lips to Sean's and hypnotized him with her eyebrows.
Let's just hope ABC's producers supplied her with food and water (read: tranquilizers) before sending her back from whence she came.
4. Sean Remains Clothed Throughout Entire Episode
This week's episode of The Bachelor made us so sad. Mostly because Sean failed to a) strip off his shirt, b) display his wedgie, or c) reveal The Eye of Mordor (aka his right nipple). He didn't even ab-flash, and it's like what's the point in even waking up in the morning. We might as well just give up on life, face-plant into a meat lover's pizza, and squirt a goat udder into our mouths.
The only explanation for Sean's shirted-ness is that he's punishing us for loving him too much. What do you want, Sean? Do you want all the goats in Montana to milk all over us? Because we'll let them.
3. Desiree Gorges On Fresh Goats Milk
We are so worried about the goats in Montana. Their udders have been chafed by one too many handjobs, and it's all so humiliating. We're so sorry, goats. We're so sorry that Desiree Hartsockviolated you and then downed your milk with such ferocity that it came out of her nose.
Watching goat's milk stream down Desiree's face and neck was truly horrifying, and the worst part? It was all for nothing. Not only did Sean invite Desiree's rivals to her winner's circle, he gave the group date rose to a non milk-guzzler. GTFO, Sean. That goat was violated for nothing.
2. Ladies Attempt to Canoe, Wander Off Into a Bush Instead
Remember that time when you were singing "Just Around the Riverbend," pretending to be Pocahontas, and gleefully air-canoeing around your house? This week's Bachelor group date was just like that, but even sadder. Sean's sister-wives were forced to canoe down some random river, and while we're thrilled that none of them drowned, we're slightly concerned about how bad they are at hand-eye coordination. Most of these ladies ended up drifting around in circles or making accidental boat-love to a large bush. It was all really confusing and tragic, much like No. 4 on this list.
1. Tierra and Robyn Throw Down
We were clutching our pearls so hard when Robyn Howard waltzed up to Tierra, snatched her weave, and threw it into the proverbial fire of Sean Lowe's loins. There was so much animosity between these ladies that we ended up having to form a spontaneous prayer circle with our own hands, just to ensure that Tierra didn't go nuts and shiv Robyn with one of her dagger brows.