In this week's Bachelor Pad, being in a couple finally paid off (instead of just being irritating to everyone else)! The three girls who weren’t chosen by one of the guys were eliminated from the show (Gloria Steinem would be proud!), meaning that Peyton was very thankful to be chosen by Jesse Beck. Thankful, that is, until he started picking at his leg hairs with a drywall screw (that he found on the ground!) and tried to force her to eat a banana. So it turns out that getting paired with Jesse is something that seems like a victory but quickly becomes a punishment — sort of like the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden.
The elimination came sooner than ever this week, as three women were eliminated immediately if they weren’t chosen by a guy to be part of a couple. We see a bottle which they will spin during the challenge, so everyone assumes that they’ll be playing Spin the Bottle. Instead, the bottle just determines which guy chooses first. As it turns out, that bottle is more unnecessary than the latest movie sequel to Step Up.
The other couples are pretty much what you’d expect, as Kovacs chooses Elizabeth, Kiptyn picks Tenley, Jesse chooses Peyton, and Dave goes with Natalie. And all the couples are elated to no longer have to hide their love and proceed to furiously make-out. Tenley tells us that she loves kissing Kiptyn, and then proceeds to tell us that she loves kissing in general. Note to Tenley: We don't need to hear about every little thing you enjoy doing, especially when it's a relatively mundane task. (Does Tenley also love it when her body converts oxygen into carbon dioxide?)
Well... all the couples are elated except for Jesse and Peyton, that is. Peyton criticizes Jesse for peeling a banana upside-down, to which Jesse retorts that he peels it the way that monkeys do it. Uh... does Jesse really take all of his advice from monkeys? We’d hate to be there for the conversation when Peyton asks him why he’s been throwing his feces around.
The next challenge — which will determine which couple is safe at the next rose ceremony and will get to go on a date — is a physical challenge, which means that it will be really fascinating to watch, right? No, wait — it’s a physical challenge indeed, but it’s actually a water balloon toss. And is it just us, or is a water balloon toss excruciatingly painful to watch? (Like, a holding-a-pot-without-a-pot-holder level of pain.) Somehow, as far as televised sports is concerned, we don’t think ESPN was worried about losing viewers during this segment.
Three years later, the water balloon challenge has finally ended, and Dave and Natalie have emerge victorious (if there can really be any “winners” in a water balloon toss). Dave explains to us his secret for winning the contest, which was to only think about the balloon, so that “nothing else was going through” his mind. That must be his secret for how he does everything in life. (And did we really need the behind-the-scenes account of how someone managed to win a water balloon toss? That’s not like finding out how they built the Great Wall of China or anything.)
For their date, Dave and Natalie get to ride in a sports car (which Kovacs and Elizabeth make out in first — we’re sure that Dave and Natalie were super appreciative of that!) and swim in a hot tub. Not exactly the world’s most creative date, but it allowed Natalie to strip down to next to nothing, and sometimes you have to allow people to play to their strengths.
Just before they leave for the date, we see Dave ironing his shirt, which made us wonder two things. We wondered: 1.) “Dave knows what an iron is?”; and 2.) “Does he really need to worry about his shirt on a date with Natalie, considering they’ll probably be naked from the moment they walk out of the mansion? That’s like bringing a dictionary with you while you read an issue of Glamour.”)
The date also gave Dave and Nat a chance to talk. No, seriously — that wasn’t a joke. Apparently, they’re capable of talking every once in a while. (Of course, Lauren from The Hills is also on the New York Times Bestseller list, so the world can be difficult to make sense of sometimes.) Dave tells Natalie that he and his dad are no longer on speaking terms, since the last time they saw one another, Dave threw a chair through a wall. (Dave threw something through a wall? We’re shocked! We assumed that he spent his free time writing poetry where he compared people to morning dew.)
Meanwhile, at the house, Elizabeth convinces Kovacs to sneak into the fantasy suite, which was surprising. But even more surprising was the fact that, with his Panama hat and flowery shirt, Kovacs greatly resembled Jimmy Buffett, and yet Elizabeth still wanted to sleep with him. There’s no accounting for taste.
Of course, once they sleep together, Elizabeth accuses Kovacs of not being romantic enough, to which he responds with something like, “I’m not romantic enough? But you suggested that we have sex in the fantasy suite, and I obliged! I’m a regular Cary Grant!” Turns out, their fantasy suite wasn’t such a “fantasy” after all. In fact, in this case, calling it a “fantasy suite” is a more egregious misnomer than Greenland (which isn't that green) or the Super Bowl (which is usually pretty boring).
Dave and Natalie return home, and it’s time to strategize. And by “strategize,” we apparently mean “gloat about how everyone knows that Jesse and Peyton will be going home.” At least that seems to be Dave and Kovacs’s mindset, as they congratulate each other on a job well done. Uh, they do realize that they haven’t actually won anything yet, right? Even James Cameron would refer to Dave and Kovacs as a little self-centered. (Cameron may be be an egomaniac and all, but at least he waited until after winning Best Director for Titanic to declare himself the “king of the world,” right?)
The women, on the other hand, still had some scheming left to do. Dave might have had a pact with Kovacs from the beginning, but Natalie doesn’t feel the same allegiance, so she tries to convince the others that Kovacs and Elizabeth are too big of a threat to keep around. And then Chris Harrison informs the gang that they will be voting individually, not as a couple. It is then that we hear Kovacs refer to Chris Harrison as “Harrison,” making us wonder if Kovacs assumes that, just because he likes to be called by his last name, somehow the rest of the world must want to do that, too.
So then Tenley and Natalie decide to have their own “girl pact,” which they then seal with a highf-five that involves them kissing their fists and then making their fists explode. (Come to think of it, isn’t that how the Magna Carta was sealed, too?)
In the end, though, the old friendships won out, meaning that Jesse and Peyton were sent home to go bicker about bananas on their own time. There are now only three couples remaining, which can only mean one thing: We're only one week away from the season finale! What are you going to do between now and then? (What’s that? You said that you’re going to spend the next week chillaxing? What a coincidence — we are, too!)