"The Women Tell All" for The Bachelor Season 15 consisted largely of the tarring and feathering of Michelle — who may or may not have been putting on a show with her tears. (Hey, who cares as long as she's putting on a show?)
There was also time for the tarring and feathering of Melissa Schreiber, the finger-waving of Raichel Goodyear, the f-bombs of Jackie "Not-So Pretty Woman" Gordon, the sleazy sexcapades of the future Bachelor Pad 2 cast, proof that Brad Womack does actually have a sense of humor, and enough tears to float the studio audience back to South Africa.
Read on for the highlights (and very lowlights) from Season 15's "The Women Tell All":
Before we get to the women, the men need a chance to gossip. The Rosemaster and the Rosemoper recap the season, from the slap onward. Of Ashley Hebert's carnival date, Brad says, "That's the best first date I've ever had in my life." (Take that, Whomever He Proposes To!) Brad also commends Madison "Fangs" Garton for being herself. "She is an extraordinary woman and will make some vampire very happy one day." Ha.
Brad and Chris also talk about Shawntel Newton's embalming issues, but they spend the bulk of their time talking about Michelle Money, the woman they are asked about most often. "Something tells me she can be a fighter," Brad says. They still don't understand her black eye. "How does that happen?" Brad asks. He's had some black eyes and he remembers how he got each of them. (Were any of them from DeAnna Pappas or Laurel Kagay?) Chris calls Michelle a sensual and sexual woman, and Brad admits she “has game” — and that’s coming from a guy with zero game.
Brad: "I'm a man that can be blindsided by beauty." That is definitely the story of Brad Womack right there.
There's a whole lotta making out going on at this party, and we think we may have pinpointed a few Bachelor Pad hopefuls.
Ashleigh Hunt, who sticks her tongue down Craig Robinson's throat. He accepts that rose willingly. Rozlyn Papa swears she's wearing underwear, while Kasey Kahl makes out with Erica Rose (the original Vienna Girardi) from Bachelor: Rome. Kasey has a type. Vienna flirts with Wes Hayden, and Gia Allemand slams her for it.
The Woman (Finally) Tell All — aka Let's Kill Michelle, Part I
After the ladies discuss their reactions to Brad when they first saw him and a few clips from the insult archive flash across the screen, the show segues into an attack on Michelle. The ladies call her "not sincere" and "a bit fake."
Stacey Queripel asks if Michelle watched the show. Michelle nods, which is news. (She had said before that she didn't watch the show.) Sarah Powell calls Michelle two-faced. Being in the house and watching the show, Michelle was two different people. Marissa May says she was hurt by Michelle, because she thought Michelle was one person and she turned out to be someone else.
Michelle tries to pass it all off as her wry, sarcastic humor, but Marissa is not having it: "Seeing you say you hope apes get somebody, yeah, that's humorous. Seeing you say that you’re surrounded by a bunch of little girls, that’s hurtful."
Jackie Gordon jumps in. "Watching it now, I'm kind of equating you to a spider. You’re, like, creepy and everybody's afraid of you." The audience claps. Michelle starts to tear up. Jackie:" Watching it now, I don't think you're humorous I think it's f--ked up." Rrarrr! Ashley Hebert gasps at the f-bomb.
Michelle thinks they all said things they regret. The women don't agree. Lisa defends Michelle again. Go Lisa! Ashley H. tears up and also defends Michelle as "a great friend" and "a great mother." "Not everyone lives a perfect life and does everything perfectly," Ashley says. "Maybe they say things they regret. I understand that. But I think it's important to realize the good in the situation does outweigh the bad."
Chris drags Melissa into the Hot Seat so she can resolve (aka stir up and spit out) the Raichel drama.
We learn that the definition of "Pulling a Melissa" is to be freaking crazy. She was the oldest woman in the house, but they thought she acted like the youngest. We also get another zinger from The Michelle Insult Archive: "The cougar needs to get back in her cage because she’s digging her own grave."
Melissa does not believe she started any conflict. Raichel starts wagging her finger from the audience, saying Melissa brings out the worst in her. "There are people you gel with, there are people you don't," she explains. She calls Melissa "poisonous" and "toxic" and blames her for being sent home. She also blames herself, but it sounds like they both blame each other more than anything. Can we please vote them off the island? Oh, wait; Brad already did that.
Michelle in the Hot Seat — aka Let's Kill Michelle, Part II
Crying, Michelle swears all the girls know the truth about her — that she left her daughter at home to be there. She's doing her "ugly cry," sniffling in her seat. Chris says it's interesting to see her more vulnerable side, because he found her "unbelievably entertaining." Chris may be on Team Michelle, but a lot of the women are still upset. It must be different when you’re on the receiving end of her sarcasm.
When did she feel the house turn on her? Michelle says she didn't feel like there was a misinterpretation in the house until the show aired, because she wasn't the only one who said negative things. Still crying, Michelle says she went there for "the right reasons."
Michelle: "Do I really want monkeys to attack Chantal? No, I don't. Am I really going to elbow someone? No. I woke up with a black eye. I don't know how that happened. I wish I did. Like, I wish I knew. But it doesn't mean I'm going to go kick someone's ass because I woke up with a black eye. It's sarcastic. You have to make light of the situation, it's such an intense situation."
She adds, "I just have to say, like, I didn't go on this show to be a clown and be like the person everyone talks about. That's what's frustrating. I want to find love. I want to find that for my daughter and for me. I don’t know. I want that."
Sarah: "What a sob story. I'm sorry I'm not buying it."
Stacey says she doesn't know how Michelle was brought up, but her mother raised her to put her child first. "I'm sorry, but I think you put you first." Why has no one challenged Emily like this? Remember Emily, the other single mom?
Michelle tells Stacey she is a good mother, and Stacey has no right to question her mothering. Jackie, for one, would never challenge Michelle as a mother, but Michelle is just "shady."
In the end, Michelle admits she no longer feels like she is the only woman who would be right for Brad. She now thinks Brad needs someone soft and sweet like Emily.
We watch Ashley's two-on-one dumping all over again. In the Hot Seat, the too-tanned Ashley discusses her bad past relationships. Getting the first impression rose was a vote of confidence for her, but it went downhill from there.
What is the pattern in her relationships? In the beginning, they think she's really great, and then they realize they don't want to be in a relationship. They end up cheating on her, or the relationship just goes downhill. Brad was a change, since he wanted a relationship, but it was devastating to hear that Brad didn't think she would be a good wife for him.
Ashley H. talks about how tough it was on that two-on-one date. (Did she do something to her teeth? They are especially white. She has Emily Maynard teeth now. Wassup, dentist girl?)
Ashley Spivey wants to find true love. She asks if Chris Harrison has any single friends. Ashley, don't forget Michelle’s words of wisdom about the line between being competitive and desperate. (She should know!)
In the video package, Brad says not only did he always see Ashley H. in the top two, he thought sometimes that she might be the final one. That's…hard to believe.
So what made her doubt things after her great carnival date with Brad? She was trying to protect herself. She realized, watching the show, that Brad did have strong feelings for her and wanted her there in the end. There’s a chance her defenses made her lose out on a great guy.
Does she think she ruined the relationship? Yep, she does. She didn't realize at the time that she was in love, but it's too late now. Could the newly brunette bachelorette be ready to become the Bachelorette? The makeover speaks volumes...
Brad says he promised his "significant other" that he would only be marginally happy to see everyone. But he can't help it — he's very happy to see his ladies.
He doesn't even recognize the "new" Ashley H. "Mercy!"
Brad admits he teared up watching Ashley S.'s sad farewell, so she wants clarification on why she wouldn't be a good wife for him. He stalls and waffles, covering with the excuse that he was developing feelings for other women. But he has no idea if she'd be a good wife or not.
Brad can't say enough good things about Michelle: He loves her confidence, and he'll defend her every time. Watching the show, he laughs at her comments. He knows she's being funny and he doesn't think she has a malicious bone in her body.
Brad and Ashley H. talk about how they spent so much time "reassuring" each other, and they hug.
Brad reveals that he’s happier than he's ever been. "She's changed my life." Is he in love? "I was in love a long time ago, buddy." He falls more and more in love with his chosen one every day. Awww!
We see the crazy-goofy side of Brad. Why didn't we see this during the show? We also see Michelle do a kind of funky strip tease and a naked guy — not Chris Harrison — walks in the background as Brad is hanging out with his brothers.
Chantal versus Emily
We watch recaps of Brad’s relationships with both women. How does Brad's real significant other feel about this? Brad says he wants to kiss Chantal all the time. Brad says he wants Emily to be his wife. She's the sweet person he’s been looking for, and she makes him want to be a better man. (On that note, go watch As Good As It Gets.)
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