Hello America, and welcome to The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 live blog brought to you by our sponsors at whatever box of wine we’re currently consuming. Tonight we will be judging Sean Lowe for his kissing style, wondering what time machine of horrors the ladies pulled their outfits from, and generally thanking stars we are not being asked to go on dates involving jumping off buildings, pretending we like our competitors, or otherwise engaging in physical activities.
What will you be doing? Reading along while magical glowing things happen in Chris Harrison’s lair of love, we hope. So, pick up your wine glass, pull the vodka out of the freezer, order some Thai food, and let’s get this show on the road.
Will everyone’s “favorite” villain Tierra LiCausi pull off her confrontation with Sean tonight? It didn’t work out so well for Kacie B last week, but something tells us the tears and tan are really gonna sell it. Buckle up, United States of Awesome. It’s time for love and roses.
One on One Date: Selma Wins, Sort of...
Chris Harrison is clearly shopping out of his own Easter egg-themed fashion line, since he obvi loves his suspiciously-silk-looking plum shirt, which got a last minute zhusj from the style folks: cuffs popped, y’all.
Sorry, were we talking? Because we just saw a Sean Lowe up-shot like no other. Tasteful black boxer briefs in a 360 degree view (take note, Anne Hathaway).
Arie Luyendyk, Jr. obviously got to Sean, since Selma Alameri is chosen as the girl for the first one-on-one date.
Selma weighs 110 pounds, just FYI. We know because she just told us as she warned Sean she was going to break his toes. More on that later.
The duo walks the red carpet to a private jet for the first part of their date (beat that, Kalon). Dear Selma, leggings are not pants. Love, your friends who can see you.
“This, this definitely meets exceeds my expectations,” she says. “I feel like a princess castle.” What? Is there some kind of grammar delay over the ABC airwaves?
Oh wait, JK GUYS! They’re not going somewhere fancy, they're actually going to spend the day in Joshua Tree National Park, and let’s just take a minute to state the obvious: Selma is not an outdoorsy girl.
“This place is amazing, right?” Sean asks. Silence. “I feel puffy,” Selma says. We don’t even think she knows what that means.
“It will be fun to watch her attempt to rock climb,” Sean threatens states. Yes, Sean, yes it will be.
“Your form looks incredible.” We bet, Sean.
“I’m sitting on top of the world right now,” Yes. Literally. You are. “I don’t want the date to end just yet,” Sean hints. No shit, dude. If we waited forever for a chance to spend time with you and ended up ROCK CLIMBING AND THEN CALLING IT A NIGHT, there would be some angry phone calls.
This date is getting ridiculous and, assuming it's not the 3/4 empty box of Franzia blurring our vision, Sean has just upped his game by taking Selma to a trailer park for dinner. Way to go, Dallas.
A quick view into how far off Sean’s view is from real life:
Sean: “I look up at her and I want to kiss her, and I can tell she wants to kiss me too.”
Selma: “To kiss somebody on national television, I think my mom would have a heart attack.”
There you have it, kids.
Back in Bachelor Mansion, the date card has arrived.
“I don’t need no chaperone,” Tierra says of the pain of group dating. Uh, okay. “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches,” the date card says (thank you Daniella for your porny reading). Apparently this date is dedicated to either roller skating or domestic violence.
Side note: Sean's laugh should have its own GIF. Children of the internet, get on it.
Obviously, Selma gets a rose. That's great and all, but let's hope she's the only baby-talker tonight, because there is not enough booze in our kitchen to keep dealing with this sound.
Group Date: Time to Punch Each Other, or something
“Immediately, I see a skull and two bones,” Tierra says. Can’t be the first time she’s said that on a date...
“This is not my cup of tea. I’m a stereotypical girly-girl. I don’t do anything adventurous,” AshLee says. Snore. Obviously Tierra is stoked, because the date is a roller derby showdown and because she’s terrifying. Amanda is making crazy eyes and Robyn “accidentally” does the splits in front of Sean. We get it, you’re flexible. Everyone falls down. It’s the best thing ever.
It’s all fun and roller-hating on each other until Sarah falls down and then cries. Ugh, we hate the way she makes us feel feelings.
Amanda falls and hits her jaw really hard. They call for an ambulance. “That’ll stop her mean-mugging,” thinks EVERY OTHER GIRL THERE.
“Go get yourself checked out and come back if there aren’t any problems.” Wait, are we still talking about her jaw?
Sean bites it. Nice manpris, dude. “Well, I think we all rolled with the punches pretty well.” Way to bring it back around, Sarah. Spoken like a true episode of Hannah Montanta.
“I want the girls to spend time with me and not worry about cracking their jaw,” Sean says. This WTF moment brought to you by careful editing.
Their group post-roller derby date looks... like... we dunno, a roof of some sort? All the girls seem like they’re sitting and waiting for an interview. Amanda’s back — and her skirt looks like a disease she picked up at the hospital.
[Back at Bachelor Mansion, the date card goes to... Leslie Hughes. And it comes with earrings! Just as the best kinds of dates always do.]
Uh oh guys, it's that time of the night where Tierra goes a little crazy. She’s threatening to leave and we work really hard to care. Then she starts crying.
Off in the land of normally firing synapses, Lindsay and Sean are bouts to get in the hot tub. Um, you’re on a group date, dude. It’s not creepy at all when he walks out the door and Tierra SWFs him by jumping out of the shadows to sob story him.
Remember how Selma was playing hard to get earlier? Well, now Tierra and her over-enunciation are telling Sean she hates being away from him every moment. “I’m so sensitive,” she says. Why oh why is Sean the best guy ever? He sympathizes when he might-should be (to borrow Selma’s grammar) running.
And then, because this isn’t crazy enough, Sean grabs the rose and brings it to Tierra. Well played, Tierra. Tierra: 2, girls who doubted her craziness could win in the end: 0. "I'm crazy about you," Sean says. Word choice, dude.
One on One Date: Leslie Wears Formal Shorts and Diamonds
It’s like 7 minutes into this date, and Leslie has already said “holy moly” four times. The two go to Rodeo Drive. Nice vest, Sean. Apparently he robbed a bellboy on his way to Rodeo.
"You've made my favorite movie come to life," she says of the vaguely Pretty Woman-themed date. Little does she know, she's going to become a prostitute in the second half of the date. Or a bridesmaid at an '80s themed rehearsal dinner, since she already has the dress for it (sorry Badgley Mischka, that dress is not cute).
Look, we get that they're going to Neil Lane for dessert (AKA to pick up a blingy necklace), but there is such a thing as gilding a lily. Next time you want a guy to buy you jewelry, try not to wear so many sparkles that you look like you shopped in the sale section of the dELiA's catalog.
“If I was ever going to have that romantic feeling about Leslie, it’s going to be tonight.” “Do you have a hard time opening up?” “I want to get to know you.” Sean is DYING here. Little known fact: the more unfomfortable he feels, the more his eyebrows disappear. Oh, hey Leslie, maybe try harder, mmkay? “This just got real deep.” No, not like that.
“Today was a perfect day for romance, and I wanted that romantic connection to click.” Sean is waving the rose like a baton, threatening her with it. Obvi, he dumps her. Because if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s telling the good apples from the crazy bitches. And then, just to make it more awkward, she can’t get the necklace off. It’s so awkward. But at least she gets to leave in a.... rape van.
Sean walks through an abandoned Doubletree Hotel conference center plus or something and a dude plays music by himself. Was there really no cat-fighting to fill the time, ABC? We can’t tell who we’re most uncomfortable for.
Rose Ceremony: Drink Till You Can’t Feel the Thorns
“Even if I have no time with you, you’re going to be on my mind,” Sean tells AshLee. Um, thanks? Or just try spending time with her...
“So, I’m trying to think what pick-up line I’m going to use on you tonight...” Robyn says. We liked her until she does this really terrifying thing where she rapid-fires questions about chocolate at him ("Do you like chocolate? What's your favorite kind of chocolate? Do you like my chocolate?"). Euphemism? It was so subtle, we barely caught it.
Tierra goes to confront Jackie (who?) and Robyn. It’s going to go really well.
“I never not liked you. So kind of your bad for not understanding that.” Wow, this girl knows her way around an apology.
“I think Tierra plays a really good game,” the girls say. No, not really... It’s just time for the other girls to step up to the edge of the staircase and throw themselves into the game (too soon?).
“Tierra definitely requires more reassurance than any of the other girls, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. I just see it as passion,” Sean says. Sean, real talk: you are delusional. Do you think things will change if you choose her?
Catherine and Sean kiss. It’s not awful, because she’s so cute. But when she says he’s so passionate, it’s hard to see him kiss and believe her.
“I’m smart. I’m ahead of everybody.” Thank you, Tierra.
Alright, rose time. Sean says “real” and “sincere” and “genuine” so many times, we’re assuming he just skimmed his own bio. Catherine gets the first rose. There’s something to be said for being the last to kiss before the cuts.
Des is next, and we really did miss her this episode. (Cute dress, too.) Daniella is making awkward drunk girl duck face in the back, while Lindsay gets a rose. Lesley is next and you can tell she’s stoked to have dropped the “M” part of her name, thanks to that other girl’s departure.
Even though her chocolate gag made us want to vom, Robyn gets the next rose. AshLee smiles all doe-eyedly at Sean and her dress is the worst — if you have boobs, ladies, please don't wear tube dresses. This is not a ledo deck. Sarah and Jackie (no, seriously, WHO?) get roses. Only Daniella and Amanda are left. Make the right choice, Seansie.
"Daniella," he calls. Amanda didn't get a rose so she has plenty of time to stare at Sean, sizing up his skin inseams and plotting his (terrifying) future. The only thing worse than having to take a diamond necklace off when you leave, is walking out in a beaded flapper dress in front of everyone else when you haven't mastered the "walking in heels" part of being a girl.
Alright, our glass is empty. Time to go. XOXO