Sean Lowe has been wearing cowl neck sweaters for two weeks on The Bachelor Season 17, and it's completely unacceptable. Like, we feel physically nauseous every time his woolly self is onscreen — and not just because we consumed a jumbo size container of pizza bagel bites. Sean needs to feel the rain on his skin (read: nippes), like, yesterday, so thank god he's wandering over to The Virgin Islands, aka the crop of land formations that he was birthed from. Our theory? A volcano prematurely shot its wad and Shirtless Sean erupted into a sea of virgins.
From Here to Eternity
The time has come for AshLee Frazier and Sean to sexplore each other's bodies with their feelings and emotions. Sean treats this lovely lady (sorry, this lovely adopted lady) to a beautiful private island, where they roll around on the beach, makeout while Hurley and John Locke peep on them, and then stare at each other's breasts. Because, let's be real, Sean's pecs pretty much qualify as Double Ds.
But wait, there are super serious conversations happening, and shockingly they aren't about Sean's fetish for adopted girls. Turns out this dude wants to know about the drama-rama between his sister-wives, and AshLee has no problem throwing Tierra LiCausi under the bus. Which is the perfect lead-in to Ash dropping the L-word (by which we mean screaming it out into the sky like a crazy person) and the fact that she got married when she was a junior in high school. Frankly, we thought she was about to announce that she and Chris Harrison had hooked up while surrounded by a fleet of St. Croixian dolphins, so no biggie.
Dancing In the Streets
If there's one thing Tierra loves about St. Croix, it's the "natives." In fact, this gal is so pumped up by the local culture that she forces Sean to gyrate with her in the streets next to some traumatized townies who were forced to dress up like birds by Chris Harrison. All we know is that we are currently pregnant as a result of Sean's pelvic thrusts. And we'll be naming all of our offspring Ashley Palenkas.
Of course, Sean and Tierra's afternoon on the town isn't all fun, shell-necklaces, and second-hand embarrassment. Tierra's tierrafied (ahahahahahah!) that Sean has a bad impression of her (you know, because of that whole fake hypothermia incident), so she drops a huge bombshell during dinner. No, she didn't witness her friend get killed by a tree, and no she didn't randomly chop off her arm. Girlfriend simply reveals that she's in love. Pshhh, join the club. Also a note to ABC's cameramen — please stop filming close-ups of Sean's sandy feet. Do not want.
Sean loves nothing more than a three-way, which is why he invites Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay out for a romantic 4 a.m. date to explore the island and frolick in a treehouse. Because nothing says "I want to dry-hump you with my eyes in a fantasy suite (aka my pants)" like an early morning wakeup call. But whatever, Sean wants to see the sunset so mush, women, mush!
Anyway, each of these ladies is basically a hot mess during the group date. First Lindsay and Sean make out on the beach in the most animalistic way ever, then Catherine reveals that her dad tried to commit suicide in front of her (ummm, no words so we'll leave you with this: dhsjakdhjksahdka), and then Desiree breaks down into a hysterical fit of ugly-crying for no apparent reason. So, who gets the rose? That weird seagull who literally dives to his death in the ocean. Just kidding, it's Lindsay, you adorable fools!
Bad Girls Club
It's been, like, four hours since Sean and Lesley Murphy last made out, and he's having all kinds of doubts. Everything gets super-duper awkward when Sean forces his lady friend to wander around some sugar plantation ruins, mostly because she fails to drop the L-word. UM, Lesley? Just tell Sean you murdered someone by shoving them off a mountain and call it a day. Give the man what he wants, god.
Obviously, Sean is all kinds of confused about his feelings (WHO IS HE GOING TO MARRY, UGH), so he flies his older sister, Shay, over to St. Croix for some real talk. Dude just needs to find himself so he can rise like a naked, oil-covered Phoenix from the ashes. Also "the ashes" = Chris Harrison's dignity.
Of course, little does Sean know that AshLee and Tierra are having a hysterical cat-fight in the hotel (this is like Beyonce and Sasha Fierce all over again), which causes Tierra to spiral into a fit of crazy and hurl herself off a building. JK, she actually just utters the musings "I cannot control my eyebrow" and "nobody can take my sparkle away," breaks down into a fit of tears and promptly gets sent home. We'll miss you, girl.
The Rose Ceremony
So, turns out Sean is canceling cocktail hour, which pretty much causes mass hysteria among his lemmings. Let's just say most of them are sobbing hysterically, everyone's wearing a caftan, and The Ghost of Tierra's Eyebrow is haunting all her haters. So, which unlucky lady goes home? Buh-bye Lesley, see you in Neverland!