"We have found a witch. May we burn her?"
"Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!"
"How do you know she is a witch?"
"She looks like one!"

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

 

Credit: ABC via WENN Photo: Monica Spannbauer Fake Cries on The Bachelor Season 16: The Women Tell All

Who doesn’t love an angry mob of drunken mean girls feeding off their own hate? So fun! The Bachelor Season 16 has featured arguably the most dramatic crop of bachelorettes ever and they certainly filled the catty quota on tonight’s Women Tell All special — aka The Witches Bitch and Burn Like You’ve Never Heard.

Shouts. Tears. Attacks. Applause. Smirks. Eyerolls. Head shakes. Crossed arms. Gasps. Thank heaven for the all-too-brief blooper reel and Bachelor reunion scoop to take a bit of the sting out of an exhausting mock therapy session.

Courtney Robertson wasn’t the only one in the hot seat — Shawntel Newton returned to share how much it hurt to be called uglier in person, Blakeley Shea took heat for being the first bully of the season and Brittney Schreiner told Samantha Levey to shut her Chihuahua mouth — but Courtney was still the star of the show. (Funny how Ben Flajnik was almost completely let off the hook.)

It was tough for Courtney tonight because the women’s attacks forced her to enter a dark, terrible place — Dullsville. It’s even worse than Dumpsville! Courtney has been the focal point of the season, the comic relief reminding everyone this isn’t C-SPAN, it’s The Bachelor and the silly little girls who fall in fairy tale love with Ben after one date deserve to be poked fun of. Remember when we all used to poke fun at them together? Good times. On the attack, Courtney was contrite and tearful. She was probably genuine — and deserves credit for it — but we miss her snarky comments. She was right to dish them out against women who — news flash! — have been rude to each other all season. It would’ve been really fun to see her go full throttle with more jokes at the mob’s expense. Why not? It’s not like people want to change their minds about her. Feed the fury.

Read on for a full recap of the WTA smackdown:

REUNION

They start the show with an update from the recent Bachelor reunion, aka a giant audition for Bachelor Pad Season 3. WE’VE GOT MORE ON THAT HERE.

But let’s get on with the Season 16 trainwreck, shall we?

BLAKELEY ON THE ATTACK

Courtney wasn’t the only “mean girl” of the season. Blakeley didn’t come there to make friends either and, early in the season, it was known. Rachel Truehart said Blakeley had been really mean to her at first. Samantha Levey said she was friends with so many women in the house, but not Blakeley.

Samantha: “Why are so many of us such good friends yet you couldn’t be friends?”
Blakeley: “‘Cause I’m a lot older than you and more mature than you and I don’t actually bother myself with small-minded people. That’s why.” NICE!

Samantha said Blakeley bullied a lot of people and shoved her roses in everyone’s faces. (She’s Courtney 1.0!) Jamie Otis noted, “She’s not the only girl that bullied other girls. I think everybody here has been rude to another girl at one time or another.” True. It’s also worth noting that a little intro package showed “America’s Sweetheart” Kacie Boguskie saying, “Jamie just doesn't seem very bright.” Yeah. And Kacie was was the *nice* one this season. She also talked about motor-boating Blakeley, but everything Kacie says is dipped in gold so she gets a free pass.

Blakeley is lucky Courtney was there to take up the villain baton.

WHY DID BRITTNEY LEAVE?

As Brittney Schreiner put it, “There was no attraction towards Ben whatsoever.” (Finally! Someone who admits to not being attracted to this guy.) She wanted to give up her date so someone like Lindzi Cox could have time with Ben. Fair enough. Samantha jumped in, saying Brittney had come to her crying, saying Blakeley and some others had been mean and bullied her, but it seems that Samantha seems to be doing some of her own bullying tonight.

Brittney on Samantha: “First of all, you are like the Chihuahua in the house, you just don’t stop talking. Shut up!” Burn.

SHAWNTEL RETURNS

Shawntel Newton talked about how much it hurt to watch Episode 3 back, to see herself be spurned by Ben then hear all the women’s remarks. In San Francisco, she talked to Ben for two minutes and talked to the ladies for more than two hours. Hearing some of the things that were said behind her back, “not only being a bitch, but about my body image and being uglier in person and my hips being too big, it was really hard.”

She didn’t expect to be best friends, but “I would never be as rude as some of them were. I would never call someone ugly and I would never really call someone a bitch either.” She felt like the little kid in the playground being bullied.

Elyse “Who IS She?” Myers said she did actually know who Shawntel was. She was just blindsided and bitter. She apologized to Shawntel. Rachel said she felt guilty that she was mean but it was the way Shawntel came in. Emily O'Brien said she learned herself there’s a right way and a wrong way to do things. She should’ve approached them to talk to them.

Jaclyn Swartz: “My calling you a bitch was only solely because you whiffed right by us, it wasn’t because of your personality.”
Shawntel: “You can call me a bitch as many times as you want. It was not the bitch thing. It was that I was ugly, it was that I had big hips and that I was white trash.” (Actually, it was thighs, not hips.)

Erika Uhlig, who made the “uglier in person” and thigh comments, said she could apologize all day long but… then added that she doesn’t have tiny thighs herself. Not much of an apology. Emily said Shawntel is gorgeous and admitted that’s basically why they trashed her. When it comes to this show, jealousy and insecurity explain all actions.

EMILY IN THE HOT SEAT

Once Emily talked to Ben about Courtney, there was a negative piece introduced to their relationship that she could never undo. Emily wishes she had followed Nicki’s “true colors will come out” perspective. “At the same time, I wouldn’t have wanted to end up with somebody who would fall for what Courtney was putting forth.” More disses to Courtney! That’s the Emily we know. Emily talked about Ben skinny dipping with Courtney when he was still dating a bunch of other women. “You’re clouding your own mind ‘cause you’re just thinking about sex. You’re not thinking about a relationship anymore.” The audience eats it up. “I think you have figured out men,” Chris Harrison quips.

Emily also didn’t like how Ben gave her the “tread lightly” line when she talked about Courtney, instead of saying something like “I respect your judgment, I’m sorry you feel this way, please keep coming to me with this stuff.”

What if Ben did pick Courtney? “If he does choose her, he’s made his bed, he can lie in it.” Is anyone actually wishing them well or is everyone hoping they break up so they can laugh and say “I told you so.”

NICKI IN THE HOT SEAT

Chris said we were all rooting for things to work out for her, but were we ever really thinking Nicki Sterling was right for Ben? Ever? No offense to Nicki, but her talk is a snoozer. 

KACIE IN THE HOT SEAT

Everyone is Team Kacie and they even show a woman wiping away a tear after watching Kacie’s “This is why I don’t love!!” meltdown in the departing limo.

Kacie said when it came down to her vs. Nicki she really thought Ben would pick her and she was upset that Ben was making her wait for the final rose. She was so in shock to be sent home that she didn’t understand what happened. She didn’t return to be taken back, she wanted to know what happened and try to lead him off a path that she didn’t like. But watching the show back, she’s learned a lot about what set them apart. They live in different worlds.

She’s ready to find the man of her dreams. And maybe she’s found him by now?

THE PROBLEM WITH COURTNEY

Monica Spannbauer says Courtney definitely seems like a black widow — vindictive and manipulative. Blakeley says she has spun her web to pull Ben in.

Kacie: “Courtney is phony, unattractive, selfish, I don’t want to be in the same room as her.” Mean!
Nicki: “Courtney’s face is evil. Her heart is ugly.” Mean!

They re-show Courtney’s greatest hits and how she rejected Emily’s apology. They all laugh at each other’s mean comments as if they are different from Courtney’s comments.

Samantha said Courtney was “in it to win it,” period. Blakeley said the difference between herself and Courtney is she’s real and Courtney isn’t. She doesn’t like Courtney but never said one bad word about her. Kacie said her problem was Courtney’s split personality — one way around them, another around Ben. Well, she didn’t like the women so why would she be nicer to them? Erika, of all people, makes a speech about Courtney not learning to be respectful. Erika of the thick thighs comment. Nicki’s problem is Courtney telling Ben she tried so hard to be nice to the other girls when that’s bull. Nicki is also upset ‘cause Ben said he didn’t want to be with someone people didn’t like, and that’s Courtney. Nicki didn’t buy Courtney’s apology.

Casey Shteamer said Courtney has always been a sweet, sincere friend to her. She didn’t hang out with the other ladies because she was uncomfortable. Casey S. said, right from the beginning, Courtney did have a strong connection with Ben and Courtney told her she had a crush on Ben from The Bachelorette. (Courtney also said that to the cameras and in a pre-season interview.) Emily, passive-aggressive to the end, shook her head during Casey’s comments. Why does Emily always think she knows best?

Casey: “I don’t think saying ‘winning’ means she only wants to win. I think she thought that was a cute, funny thing to say.” TRUE. Good on ya, Casey. Not that it was a cute thing to say. It was annoying. But still. These girls have no sense of humor at all.

Chris: “Did Courtney come there to find love?”
Jamie: “I don’t know about you girls, maybe I’m naive, but I really thought I saw a connection with them.”
Emily: “Does Courtney know love? Does she have a heart? I don’t think so. I think it could’ve been Joe Shmoe sitting in that seat and Courtney would’ve done her damndest to make sure that she got the final rose.”

Grrrr.

Nicki said she would accept a sincere, obvious apology but they have interpreted her as phony so they will never buy anything from her. 

Credit: Hulu.com Photo: Watch! Bachelor 16 Preview of Tonight's Women Tell All: The Ladies Trash Courtney Robertson (VIDEO)

COURTNEY IN THE HOT SEAT

Credit: ABC via WENN

She hasn’t heard any of their comments. The ladies don’t clap for her. They glower, especially Emily.

Courtney says, looking back, she thinks the women were fair. She has a lot of regrets and she’s disappointed in herself. She wishes she had done things differently. Emily shakes her head again.

Courtney said she came into this not wanting confrontation at all. Blakeley shakes her head. She’s upset about the “stripper” comment as if Samantha never said “what do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker — Blakeley!” Elyse was upset because she never trashed Courtney and Courtney said she was a sight for sore eyes after Ben’s date with her.

So why did Courtney not accept Emily’s apology? Courtney said she should’ve accepted it. Nicki wants to know what caused Courtney to apologize to Ben in Switzerland instead of earlier on? What was the turning point? She had a couple of days to regroup and clear her head and look back.

Courtney: “I was humiliated by some of the things that I said and my actions.” She said it was horrible and affecting her relationship with Ben. She was there for Ben the whole time.

Courtney apologizes to Kacie for the “how does that taste...” comment, which was probably the least insulting thing she said so at this point... are the girls just being nitpicky? Casey’s the only one that points out that Courtney wasn’t the only one saying mean things. Monica and others interrupt and jump in that they are all friends but not with Courtney. Plus, Blakeley apologized to the other girls when Courtney only apologized to Ben.

Courtney said she never intended to hurt anyone, but they won’t let her get a word in. Emily says it was hard for all of them. “Did we all react by making these jabs and being negative and rude to everyone?” Uh, yeah! But Emily continues, “No, guess what we did, we made friendships to support one another and get through it and Courtney did exactly the opposite.”

Courtney apologizes to the women, saying they all came there for the same reasons. “I’m sorry for the things I’ve said and if I’ve hurt your feelings, anyone, everyone, I’m really sorry for that. I hope you guys can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I’m not a mean-spirited person. It brought out the worst in me and I can’t apologize enough. I really can’t.”

How has her family been reacting? The media has been brutal “It’s been really hard, to say the least. Not in a million years did I expect for it to turn out like this.” It’s affected her family and friends negatively. It’s the hardest thing she’s had to go through. “Nobody gives you a manual on how to be on The Bachelor.” Yeah, they do — watch previous seasons and see what works.

Emily brings up how Courtney said she would never forgive and forget. Emily is enjoying this way too much. Courtney said yes, she has seen things in herself that she knows she has to work on. Courtney said she wasn’t expecting them to accept her apology.

Jenna Burke got her first words in, saying the way Courtney reacted to the situation was to get defensive and bitchy. That’s why she’s on Courtney’s side, because she’s going to learn from this (just like Jenna did). Blakeley wants Courtney to retract the things she said about her. Is Blakeley drunk? She gets vicious. Is Samantha going to apologize for the hooker comment?

Courtney tears up. “I’m sorry. I take it all back. … I did the best that I can. I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings, all of you. You may say it’s not genuine, but I’m going through real emotions and I don’t like being torn apart — my family and my friends in the tabloids. It’s awful. I didn’t think it through. If I could’ve gone back and thought ahead — oh, this plus whatever equals this — I would’ve handled myself differently. I was really defensive. I should’ve accepted your apology. I shouldn’t have said mean things. And I’m sorry. And that’s why I’m here. To say I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for hurting Ben. I cared for him and still do.”

BEN IN THE HOT SEAT

“Welcome to my nightmare,” Ben says. Usually the Bachelors are happy to see their old friends again. But these ladies are… different.

Jennifer Fritsch wants to know why Ben kept Blakeley instead of her. Ben said he never compared any of the girls to each other. He treated each relationship individually. Ben said Jennifer was probably two or three steps ahead of him in their relationship. That’s a nice way of saying, You liked me waaaay more than I liked you.

Emily said she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to Ben and get an answer on what went wrong. She would’ve liked even a sentence, like “I hate raps, your raps are awful.” Ha! Her raps are pretty good, actually.

Nicki said Ben is still the best man she knows. She hopes Ben won’t be hurt by what he’s seen on the show. Ben apologizes to Casey for not being more of a “gentleman” in her exit. The ladies think he sucks at breaking up with women. But these ladies hate everything.

Jamie! She makes another (awkward) pitch for Ben, even after everything. “I don’t know what they think of you but I think you’re a fabulous guy and, who knows, I feel like a lot of times it doesn’t work out. … If you’re not happy with who you chose, I still think you’re fabulous and I want to get to know you.” Oh, Jamie...

In the end, Ben didn’t get grilled much at all.  He left with nary a bruise while Courtney was dodging eye daggers during her whole segment. Interesting...

BLOOPERS

• More boat bloopers — a bird visits Lindzi and Ben on a yacht.

• A cow interrupts Ben and Courtney’s date. Hey, cow! He’s coming for their food.

• Ben has wardrobe issues with Little Ben in his loincloth.

• Ben does goofy dancing, which we could’ve used more of during the season, and he goes streaking through the vineyard. “See, that wasn’t the only time I got naked!”

When you add it all up, it’s ABC trying to fall back in love with Ben. Did it work?

JENNA AND MONICA BOND

Remember the premiere, when Jenna and Monica were at each other’s throats and Jenna said they should share a tampon?

Monica:“I thought you were batsh*t crazy!” That said, she brought a tampon to share with Jenna and they hugged it out.

Monica: “Will you accept this tampon?”
Jenna: “I will accept!”

Funniest.WTA moment.ever?!

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Credit: YouTube Photo: Watch! The Bachelor Season 16 Finale Promo: Ben Says Proposing to Courtney Would Be "a Risk" (VIDEO)