We feel for you, buddy. We really do.
The Bachelor is full of sensationally uncomfortable (yet hilarious) moments. We present to you our top picks for most painful moments from Season 15, Episode 1. Let the good times roll... right into Awkwards-ville:
5. Brad gets slapped — and likes it!
The first woman out of the limo gives Brad a good, hard right-handed smack. She says it's "from every woman in America" although, once again, we were not consulted. The green-clad slapper, Chantal O'Brien, is a divorced mother of a dog and two cats who works at her father's auto dealerships in the Seattle area. Brad actually likes Chantal more for slapping him, which says a lot about him.
4. Are you sure you don't want to leave? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?
Brad makes an unusual opening speech to his 30 ladies. Instead of a positive discussion of how much fun they'll have on their journey to love, Brad talks about his "storied past" with The Bachelor. He wants each of the ladies to know what she's getting into — and he makes it sound like they've all enlisted for wartime service. Pointing at them like a politician giving a stump speech, he talks about his three long years in therapy. He invites them to leave, and there are long pauses where everyone feels uncomfortable, waiting for a volunteer. Does he want someone to leave?
3. Wax on, turn off
In what world is it "fun" to have your wrist waxed? Raichel spends part of the premiere manscaping her potential future husband. "With pain, there's pleasure," she says, before slapping on white gloves. Gulp! Brad asks about the craziest body parts she's ever waxed, which is a bad idea. Something about bat wings and undercarriage? TMI!
2. Are you wearing fangs?
The only thing that could've made Madison's fang discussion more terrifically awkward is if she'd had it with Jake Pavelka. Brad is a close second, though, since earnest Texans are just not good matches for New York vampires. Madison, an actress with the stage name Madison McKinley, spends the whole night sauntering through her own True Blood fantasy. When she sits down with Brad, he can't help but address the obvious question: "Are you wearing fangs?" Madison starts by continuing to play coy. She wants to know if it bothers or scares him. He's frustrated about her lack of sincerity, and his overly earnest speech about taking the show seriously seems to kill her buzz. He wants a sweet, open woman, and she wants a dark, mysterious man/vampire. Just a shot in the dark, but we don't think this is going to end in immortal love.
1. DeAnna and Jenni bring the (fake?) heat
Chris Harrison ambushes poor Brad during the usual pre-limo pep talk. After having Brad open his soul about Season 11, he announces that Jenni and DeAnna are about to join them for a sit-down. Brad immediately says he feels like even more of an idiot. (He really does hate himself, poor fella.) Jenni hasn't seen Brad since Season 11's "After the Final Rose," and Brad is shaking just sitting with them. He apologizes (again!) for not picking either one of them in 2007. "I failed miserably." Jenni says she felt "very embarrassed" after Brad dumped her. (That's how all the hundreds of Bachelor/ette rejects feel!) DeAnna reveals that she opened up to Brad and put a lot of trust in him, and then the one person she trusted let her down. DeAnna didn't expect Brad to do the show again, and she says it's safe to say "it's a concern of mine" that two more women will leave the show with broken hearts. (More than two, actually, since the show is about Brad dumping 29 women to get to The One.) Brad leaves the interview more nervous than when he started.
Basically, this painfully awkward meeting is nothing but manufactured drama. Brad and DeAnna already publicly made up earlier this year on The Stories Behind the Rose special, in which DeAnna admitted she wishes she had pulled her own Womack when she was the Bachelorette. And when Brad was announced as the new/old Bachelor, both Jenni and DeAnna immediately supported him.
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