Bachelor Pad 3, Episode 4 was a glorious two hours filled with weeping baseball players (off camera), hot dogs, and white wine. Lucky for you, we've managed to fish out the seven biggest WTF moments in a sea of OMFG goodery for you to look back on! Also, we recommend that you enjoy this list in an unwashed string bikini for the full effect.
1. Erica Eats Her Hair, Everyone Skips Lunch
Bad news, gang. Our friend Erica Rose has officially been diagnosed with Trichophagia, a rare disorder where people eat their hair and amase large hairballs in their stomachs, which they eventually vom-out cat-style. It's just as disturbing as it sounds, and frankly, we blame Chris Harrison. Our blossoming Rose is so stressed that she's eating herself, Chris. Do something.
2. Ed and Jaclyn Eat a Hot Dog, We Go Blind
Raise your hand if you experienced waves of nausea when Ed and Jaclyn unearthed a massive hot dog from their picnic basket and simultaneously deep-throated it? Look, ABC. We know you love nothing more than filming people eating bananas and pickles, but double-fisting hot dogs at the Dodgers Stadium takes it to a whole new level. We're pretty sure this team will never win another baseball game again, that's how traumatized they are.
3. Jamie Twirls Around Like a Drunken Billy Elliot
We are so, so, so worried about Jamie. After last week's tragic conversation about "the holidays," our girl crawled into bed wearing a wet bikini, and it appears as though she has yet to change out of it. Lord knows what's going on in her danger zone, but apparently she just wants to dance. At least that's the only plausible explanation for the fact that she drunkenly wandered up to Chris and started twirling around like a ballerina.
4. Chris "Pays" For a "Hotel Room"
Who else is still LOLing from the scene where Chris Bukowski whipped out his credit card and paid for a hotel room for himself and Sarah. First of all, there's no way Chris Harrison hadn't bought out every room in the hotel in anticipation of Chris and Sarah's love-making, and second of all what's with the cameras not following them? Ed's flying pickle is still haunting our dreams, yet we still haven't heard tell of Chris' pierogi.
5. David Has an Emotional Breakdown
You guys, David loves Bachelor Pad so much. It's his heart, his soul, and his strange addiction for which he might need therapy. This poor Super Fan seemed to suffer an emotional breakdown about leaving The Pad, and described his departure as "the saddest thing I'll ever do." In other news, the saddest thing we'll ever do is make a GIF montage of David's breakdown, which is happening is 3...2...1.
6. Blakeley Remains 50 Shades Of Cray-Cray
Not gonna lie, we've been wearing full-body Spanx for weeks in fear that Blakeley will come out of the TV and wax our bikini lines in a fit of rage. We know this girl needs to win dolla dolla bills, but she has serious control issues, and we're starting to worry that she'll sneak into Chris' bedroom and suffocate him with her Double Ds. Run away, Bukowski! Not even Other Chris can save you!
7. Sarah Kicks Chris in The Face
Can someone please get us the contact info for the ABC intern who thought stunt class would be a good idea for a Bachelor Pad date? We want to hug him. Watching Sarah roundhouse kick Chris was almost as amazing as imagining Blakeley Donkey Punch him. Which still hasn't happened, by the way. Dissapointed in you, Blakes.