Recap

Please grab a box of Franzia, and guzzle it even harder than Desiree Hartsock guzzled the milk from that innocent goat's udder. The Bachelor Season 17 finale is upon us, which means Sean Lowe has finally come to the end of his spiritual love journey. Basically, he's been enlightened, and we expect him to start wearing a white robe and sandals any day now.

In case you've suffered a momentary...

Everyone stop what you're doing. Unless you are building a collage of Bachelor Abs made out of macaroni noodles, in which case we totally give you permission to keep crafting. And speaking of abs, Sean Lowe's tragic Bachelor cast offs have been rounded up by ABC, and they're dealing with their issues in a beautiful bonding session known as the “Women Tell All” special. Their...

Guys, we're feeling really spiritual right now. Because apparently Thailand is an exotic paradise filled with throw pillows, giant fire pits, rain (but, like, fancy rain) and deep thoughts. It's no wonder Sean Lowe spends most of his time crying in this celestial paradise, it's just so beautiful.

Also, Thailand is the perfect location for Sean and his lady-loves to sexplore each other's...

The time has come for Bachelor Sean Lowe to leave the clutches of Chris Harrison's love nest, and re-enter society. Much like his virginity re-entered his body. Yep, The Bachelor Season 17 hometown dates are upon us, which means that Sean is taking a leaf out of his friend Jesus' playbook and wandering around like a nomadic minstrel! Only instead of binge eating loaves ‘n' fishes, he's......

Sean Lowe has been wearing cowl neck sweaters for two weeks on The Bachelor Season 17, and it's completely unacceptable. Like, we feel physically nauseous every time his woolly self is onscreen — and not just because we consumed a jumbo size container of pizza bagel bites. Sean needs to feel the rain on his skin (read: nippes), like, yesterday, so thank god he's wandering over to The...