Recap

Please grab the hoof of your nearest goat friend (we've guilt-adopted an entire herd thanks to last night's udder violations), and join us on this beautiful journey to Canada, where Sean Lowe forces his ladies into frigid ice water and watches them turn blue like Leonardo DiCaprio circa The Titanic. Eh, guys? EH? We will never stop referencing that brilliant movie. Also good news: Sean is...

Sean Lowe's flock of Bachelor hill people has been whittled down to 11 lucky ladies, and the time has come for them to become nomads. Basically, Sean is a shepherd, and his bachelorettes are a flock of sheep who want to have sex with him.

Now that this statuesque god amongst men has frolicked along the beaches of Los Angeles (traumatizing innocent sea creatures while doing so), it's time for......

Much like a beautiful flowering rose, Sean Lowe's manhood is ready to bloom all over Bachelor Mansion. He wants babies and he wants them yesterday. Adopted babies, self-sperminated babies, the possibilities are endless. Just let the dude sow his manly seeds in your wild oats, guys, JUST LET HIM SOW.

The real question? Which lucky lady will earn the coveted role as Sean's baby-maker? Only 13...

It's a typical day in the neighborhood! Sean Lowe continues to be a nudist, Chris Harrison continues to troll the hills and valleys of Bachelor Mansion gathering roses in his trug, and the contestants continue to be deprived of human contact. Please gather your Bachelor viewing supplies (a dream journal and a paper bag) and settle in to this recap because all is right in the world. Other...

Sean Lowe really wants us to know that he's funny. He's just a barrel of ab-shaped laughs, guys, LOL! Sean's season of The Bachelor is going to be full of hijinks (oh, the hijinks!) and lately he's been pranking all over the place. Basically, he's Ashton Kutcher circa Punk'd but instead of playing tricks on celebrities, he plays tricks on nomadic tribes of single ladies.

Sean was even...