1. Ed Has a Drunken Meltdown, Takes Off All His Clothes
Let's talk about Ed Swiderski. We know, we know — so many feelings. At this point, we think this dude might be suffering from PTSD as a result of winning The Bachelorette. How else do you explain the fact that he stripped off his clothes on his first night at the pad, hurled himself into a hot tub, spread Donna's legs while screaming "YES, YOU GOT IT!", and then had an emotional breakdown about the temperature of the water?
2. The Camera Shows Blakeley Waxing a Man’s Butt, We Go Blind
You guys, Blakeley Jones really wants us to know that she spends her life "waxing p*ssies." Round of applause — best job ever. Unfortunately, girlfriend also waxes hairy man-bottoms, and for some reason ABC's cameras were allowed to film some poor random getting the follicles ripped out of his skin. It's moments like this that we're glad we're surrounded by empty bags of Doritos.
3. Ed and Jaclyn Put On an Amazing Performance
We have no idea how Ed and Jaclyn didn't win roses after their interpretive performance of "Sister Christian." Sure they forgot all the words, and yes, they reverted to their primal states and started humping each other, but the entire thing was beyond our wildest hopes and dreams. These two really took the brother-sister themes in the song to a whole new level of sexy. In other words, they were motoring. Motorinnnggggggg!
4. Donna Draws a Photo-Realistic Picture of The Stag
Oh, Donna. While everyone else at the Pad enjoyed the simple pleasures in life (having champagne poured on their boobs), Donna decided to draw a photo-realistic picture of Michael Stagliano in her Dream Journal, and the result couldn't be more disturbing. First of all, The Stag looked completely crazy-town, but even more upsetting? He rewarded her deranged behaviour with a tonguey makeout session.
5. Ed Is Ridiculously Bad at Scaling Hot Fudge Walls, His Pickle Weeps
Ed is a man of many talents (screaming "uh, uh, uh" while having sex, for example), but climbing up giant mountains of fudge during Chris Harrison's challenges isn't one of them. Clearly this guy grew up in some alternative hippie house and was fed gluten-free organic kale chips his whole life, because he's never seen fudge before. Hence all the flopping. Doesn't he know you have to eat your way to the top?
6. Erica Eats Her Hair, Everyone Skips Lunch
Bad news, gang. Our friend Erica Rose has officially been diagnosed with Trichophagia, a rare disorder where people eat their hair and amase large hairballs in their stomachs, which they eventually vom-out cat-style. It's just as disturbing as it sounds, and frankly, we blame Chris Harrison. Our blossoming Rose is so stressed that she's eating herself, Chris. Do something.
7. Ed Knocks Over a Wine Glass, Everything Is Super Serious
Ed and Chris got into an epic bro-off during their time on Bachelor, and lives were taken. For reasons we have yet to understand, Ed chose to channel his rage into his one true friend: A glass of wine who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. This beautiful vessel of liquid gold was casually minding his own business, when Ed sauntered by and committed wine-icide. Now this poor glass will never be able to live out his ultimate fantasy: To have Emily Maynard's lips on his rim.
8. Chris and Sarah Take a Ride On The Slowest Train Ever
Meet The Little Engine That Could's cousin, The Little Engine That Died A Slow Death. This poor train tried so hard to do its sacred duty during Chris and Sarah's one-on-one date, but the fact that they were passengers basically caused it to die a slow painful death and eventually shut down. As Chris duly noted, the train was moving at a snail's pace, and by the time the happy couple arrived at their destination, it was pitch black outside. We imagine they were on that thing for approximately six hours without food or water. You've done it again, Chris Harrison.
9. Nick Runs Away, Takes Mysterious Bag With Him
After winning Bachelor Pad, having a meltdown, laughing like a maniac, and giving himself a million high fives, Nick wandered off into the great unknown and hasn't been heard from since. Now, you might think this guy would stick around to get that check for 250k, but nope. Instead, Nicholas pada burre'd his way through the backwoods of ABC's soundstage and sashayed out the door into an abandoned street — clutching a mysterious bag the entire time. We can only assume said bag contained 250k in cash, a bunch of dead roses, and a human head.
10. Donna Eats a Banana, Fruit Is Ruined Forever
Watching Donna slowly peel and eat a banana in front of Michael Stagliano was completely terrifying. Not only will we never touch a banana again, we're pretty sure the color yellow is out of our lives as well. In fact, we can no longer eat fruit. Are you happy, Donna? Are you happy?!