We read books, okay. A lot of books. And not just the ones with the pictures of the girls at Sweet Valley High on the cover. But in the summertime, we only want to watch Bachelor Pad and vicariously make out with the dudes we warn our friends about. But the cruel people (just kidding, we love you!) behind the programming nobules have pretty much ruined our summers by canceling this little pot of entertainment gold.
So, we thought in honor of Bachelor Pad and all the feelings we’re going to cry into our Ed Swiderski brand satin sheets, we’d make a list of all the reasons we’re mad it’s not happening, and all the things we wanted to see that have now been stolen from our bucket lists. Here are ten scenarios of which we have been robbed:
1. Tierra LiCausi interacts with Jaclyn Swartz. In our perfect world, Jax steals Tierra’s Doritos without asking. In response, Tierra uses a contraband Swiss Army knife to saw the ropes on Jaclyn’s hammock during a challenge. But as J$wartz watched T’s antics all season, she anticipates this and swaps hammocks with Tierra. Unfazed, Tierrable lays on the compromised hammock and uses the opportunity to throw a fit when she — surprise — falls down.
2. Ed Swiderski meets Daniella McBride and asks if she wants to go make animal noises in a cabana. Planet D gives him a hard pass.
3. Michael Stagliano reappears, because that’s what he does. Mad that he got gamed last season, he tries to team up with Ryan Bowers. Instead of an ally sitch, Ryan thinks he’s being recruited to start a boy band. Excitedly, he accepts.
4. Jamie Otis returns to give friendship headbangles to Erica Rose and Rachel Truehart in hopes that they can become BFFL. Miffed that they turn her down, Jamie goes to Tierra. No one is surprised when they end up hitting it off.
5. Ashley Palenkas enters the mansion in a bikini, but is confused when she doesn’t know where to hide the silk tie. She spends the entirety of the first episode trying to surprise dudes with her 50 Shades come on, only to find that she has nothing on the scandal ensuing at the Pad.
6. Amanda Meyer shows up with her teeth freshly whitened and her eyes freshly crazy-d, sure that she’ll be the hottest fit model there. But she’s in for a rude awakening when she tries to get “jumped in” to the girl gang Courtney Robertson and Michelle Money head up.
7. Hearing that Ali Fedotowsky may be back and on the market, a newly-single Frank Neuschaefer signs up for the show, hoping for a second third fourth chance with the girl he scorned. Instead, Chris Harrison informs him that he’s always had feelings for Frank and is happy for his own second chance at a first impression.
8. Now that their Brosef Sean Lowe has traded in his People Water shirt for a spangly blazer, Jef Holm is feeling a little lonely. So, he calls up his main man Arie Luyendyk, Jr. for a little Mansion reunion. Although Jef tries to request Arie as his partner, the Speeding Dutchman has other ideas, and soon works his way through all the scantily clad ladies. Heartbroken, Jef takes up writing inspirational memes and Instagramming them.
9. Katie Levans shows up barefoot but, disturbed during her circular breathing, she traipses off to complain about the noise. When she gets a piece of broken glass from last night’s champagne bottle fight stuck in her toe, Tierra graciously offers to call the paramedic she has on speed dial. Surprised by her unexpected diamond headbanded kindness, Katie is shaken from her zen state forever.
10. Nick Peterson shows up at the season finale — even though he wasn't on the fourth season — and steals the suitcase full of money, cackling off into the distance as he runs away, and is never heard from again.
BONUS! Chris Bukowski and Arie compete to see who can hook up with the most number of girls without the whole thing toppling down in a mascara-stained mess, in a new game called BANGING JENGA!