Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney

ABC has finally given the people what they want (uh) and released a music video for The Bachelorette's upcoming season (check it out here!) otherwise known as three hilarious minutes of crooning set to sneak peek clips of Desiree Hartsock's upcoming love journey.

Obviously, the video is completely magical, and features lots of slow-motion scenes of Desiree spinning, smiling, dreamy sighing, and making out with hotties. And even better? We've parsed through every millisecond of content to give you a spoilery analysis of what you can expect this season!

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0:00 – 0:21
Desiree relives her failed relationship with Bachelor 17's Sean Lowe in black-and-white. Because color doesn't adequately capture the emotional intensity of their breakup.

0:21 – 0:23
Desiree gets into a limo and prepares to meet her Bachelorette contestants! Also, we're feeling a lot of different feels thanks to the music, "Yes To Love" by Stefano. Are we supposed to be happy or sad? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW.

0:23 - 0:25
Desiree fondles her glittery dress and gets her makeup done by a team of professionals. We continue to feel a lot of feelings. Mostly excitement about how much glitter will be featured this season.

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0:23 – 0:29
Desiree greets Chris Harrison outside Bachelor Mansion and is super excited. So excited that their whole interaction had to be filmed in slow-motion. You know, just so we could understand the magnitude of the moment.

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0:36 – 0:40
We're treated to a montage of Desiree's hopeful husbands as they swagger out of their limos and towards her. Note to everyone: Desiree spends most of this montage giggling uncontrollably, and we're right there with her.

0:43 – 0:45
Desiree sits all alone at a terrifying carnival, presumably contemplating the fact that she no longer has bangs. Why she's there, we don't know. Why she looks so sad, we don't know. Why she doesn't just talk to the cameramen, we don't know.

0:54 – 0:57
After a brief montage of Des hula-hooping (oh, the hijinks!), she waves coyly as her troop of hotties embark on a group date in what looks to be sunny California. Desiree is wearing a gorgeous purple bodycon dress, so we have a feeling something romantic is in the works! Actually, scratch that — she just makes everyone belly flop into the pool.

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0:57 – 0:59
We're gifted a few adorable moments between Desiree and Brooks Forester! Not only do they kiss, they hold hands on some terrifying bridge, and Brooks gives Desiree a piggy back ride!

0:57 – 1:11
Desiree bonds with Bryden Vukasin during a romantic one-on-one beach date in Ojai (her second date of the season)! Not only do they write their names in the sand, Desiree frolics along the beach with a kite, Bryden gleefully picks some oranges, and there's some majorly adorable hand-holding. Sob, these two! And yes, most of this montage is in slow-motion. Deal with it.

1:29 – 1:33
Whatever, guys, Desiree's life isn't all about finding a man to wed. She's also an ARTIST, and in case you had forgotten, she spends a lot of time SKETCHING. In fact, she spends approximately 5 seconds sketching out her feelings during this music video.

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1:33 – 1:45
Check out clips from Desiree's first one-on-one date of the season with Brooks Forester! These two dress up as a bride and groom for disturbing reasons that have yet to be revealed, and then slow dance on top of a building. Because there literally isn't one season of The Bachelorette that doesn't feature terrifying heights. We blame you for our vertigo, Chris Harrison.

1:45 – 1:50
Dang, this promo loves itself some Brooks Forester. In fact, we get to see him accept Des' rose and then frolic around with a tiny ukulele! Sigh, looks like Desiree is going to make her men perform with props. Fear.

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1:51 – 1:57
OMG look, it's Desiree dancing through the streets of some European town with Drew Kenney! They're hugging and kissing and totally in love, and — wait, what? Now she's on some kind of life boat with three imposters. What. Is. Happening?

2:18 – 2:21
Desiree and Chris Harrison emerge from some old-timey car wearing formal winter outfits. Um, did she give him her final rose and everyone forgot to tell us? All we know is that someone let Chris Harrison out of his cave, and we're worried.

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2:21 – 2:40
Looks like Desiree and her dudes will go on a group date in which everyone pals around in the snow and toboggans! That's a thing, right? Either way, girlfriend has major chemistry with Drew — and it looks like they even share a smooch before meandering around some snowy street in Germany!

2:51 – 2:56
Desiree kisses Brooks and Drew, and then sits amongst a field of yucca looking at Mother Nature and hoping that she doesn't catch any saliva-borne illnesses.

The End / The Beginning