The Bachelorette's Season 9 premiere is almost upon us, and the time has come to prepare for your viewing party. While this prospect is obviously exciting, there are only a few things standing between complete success and utter disaster. The process is simple but elaborate, so please follow this list carefully and try not to overdose on rose petals.
1. Stock Up on Franzia
It's really important that you have at least three boxes of wine available for consumption during this majestic night. We recommend drinking said wine straight from the box, and don't even think about buying red. Despite the fact that it's the color of roses, only white wine is allowed in Bachelor Mansion. Also Bachelor Mansion is the name of your living room for the night.
2. Fill Your House with Roses
We suggest spending an entire month's paycheck on at least 50,000 roses. Please scatter said roses on your floor and then gleefully frolicking amongst them for the hours preceding The Bachelorette. You might suffer a few thorn-related injuries, but with any luck you'll come out smelling like pure Bachelorette. Aka Chris Harrison at his most musky.
3. Invite All Your Friends...
And when they don't show up, inflate a few blow-up dolls. It's important to have someone to talk to about your feelings while watching The Bachelorette, but the good news? It's not necessary to chat with living human beings. If all else fails, talk to your cat (we know you have one), or bond with us on the computer during our Bachelorette live blog and live tweets!
4. Play “Pin The Rose on Chris Harrison”
It's simple, really. Just print-out a life sized picture of Chris Harrison (the people at Kinkos totally won't judge you), grab one of your aforementioned 50,000 roses, blindfold yourself with a thong-kini, and wander around your house aimlessly until you pin the rose on Chris. Five points if you hit his lapel, ten points if you manage to find his crotch.
5. Light A Bunch of Candles (Don't Burn Your House Down)
Creating the right ambiance for The Bachelorette viewing is key. First of all, you'll need to find space amongst your rose petals for some tea-lights and candelabras. Then you'll need to remove approximately all the furniture from your house, and replace it with throw pillows. Sitting on a throw pillow while watching The Bachelorette is super important, as is having a prop acoustic guitar. One never knows when Michael Stagliano might show up.
6. Make Lots Of Food But Don't Even Think About Eating It
ABC loves nothing more than forcing their contestants to go on dates wherein no one eats their food, and the time has come to continue this great tradition. Feel free to cook your heart out (read: empty some Cheetos into a bowl), but under no circumstances may you actually ingest your food. With any luck, Chris Harrison will wander into your house with a case of the munchies (rose huffing-induced, naturally) and eat it all while you're sleeping.
7. Take A Shot Every Time Someone Takes Their Shirt Off
Self explanatory. And you might want to switch to non-alcoholic shots about five minutes into the show, or you'll end up being carted to the hospital. Which, to be honest, would be the most Bachelorette-esque thing you could do with your night.