To rewrite the epic words of Celine Dion, our hearts will not go on. Not after re-living these shocking eliminations from The Bachelorette, each of which is a gazillion times more tragic than the fact that Rose selfishly hogged that raft while Jack froze to death.
We've rounded up the five most jaw-dropping good-byes in Bachelorette history to get you pumped about Desiree Hartsock's season. And by "get you pumped" we mean, "make you sob uncontrollably." Also, say hello to your new best friend — a box of Kleenex.
1. Emily Maynard Deflowers Sean Lowe, He Cries Man-Tears
Remember when Sean Lowe hurled that log across the mountains of Croatia during The Bachelorette Season 8 and broke it in half with his oozing testosterone? Apparently Emily Maynard doesn't, because she rejected this blond baller despite the fact that they had chemistry like whoa. It's like girlfriend didn't even care that Sean took to the streets of Prague shouting "EMILLLLLYYYYY" at the top of his lungs. Instead she auf'd him hot off the heels of meeting his family and, frankly, we blame his kissing skills. Or lack thereof.
2. Ashley Hebert Rejects Ben Flajnik, Despite His Endless Supply of Free Wine
Just a reminder — Ben Flajnik and his middle-parted hair own their own winery. Which means Ashley Hebert could have been swimming in a sea of booze had she agreed to marry him during Bachelorette Season 7. But for reasons that we still don't understand (um, true love?), Ashley rejected Ben and his sad self for J.P. Rosenbaum. It's like, think of the Envolve, Ash. Luckily, things worked out for the best! Ash and J.P. are happily married and living in the suburbs, while Ben got the chance to star on The Bachelor. Of course, his engagement to Courtney Robertson was called off, but let's just pretend like that never happened.
3. Ali Fedotowsky Gets Weirded Out By Kasey Kahl, Sets Him Free
You guys, Kasey Kahl really loved Ali Fedotowsky. In fact, he loved her so much that he inked a tattoo on his arm in her honor, after just four weeks of dating on The Bachelorette Season 6. Sadly, Ali was iffy about Kasey's poetic body art, and sent him packing when he exposed his skin (and singing “skills”) to her during a group date at Eyjafjallajökull. (And no, we didn't just face-plant on our keyboard, that's the name of a volcano in Iceland.) Which promptly erupted as soon as Kasey was sent home. Coincidence? We think not. Mother Earth was crying, right along with him.
4. Jillian Eliminates The Stag, Bambi Cries Soft Tears
Okay, first of all, Michael Stagliano is a breakdancing instructor. So, why didn't Jillian Harris agree to marry him again? No idea. This sensitive singer-songwriter wormed his way into Jilly's heart during The Bachelorette Season 5, but apparently she didn't think he was "ready" for marriage. And The Stag's tragic reaction to his deflowering? "I straight up loved that girl, didn't I?" You did, The Stag. You did. In other news, both Jillian and Michael are in loving relationships with non-reality stars, so it looks like things worked out!
5. Deanna Pappas Denies Jason Mesnick's Proposal, Jaws Drop
Considering that Jason Mesnick is the perfect man, we were pretty shocked when DeAnna Pappas deflowered him at the altar during The Bachelorette Season 4. Did you see Jason's face? He was so excited about popping the question to Deanna, but then she uttered the words "No, I can't" while he was on bent knee, and broke his heart into a million pieces. Frankly, we're shocked that Jason didn't give up on life and hurl himself into the undulating tides right then and there. Luckily, this dude went on to find love on The Bachelor, and now he's happily married to Molly Malaney!