The time has come, Bachelor Nation. Today, May 27, Desiree Hartsock will make the biggest leap of her life: from girl who gets dumped on TV, to girl who dumps dudes on TV. And all it took was a little bang growing out (remember that next time you think about shrouding your five-head). So, while most of us are curled up on our parents’ questionably stained suede couch, wrapped in a Norwegian Christmas sweater, hamburger phone in hand (we will be gnawing on it when drunk, yes), just waiting for love to happen, Des is out there doing her thang. Bangless. And that takes true bravery.
Will she find love with the ripped “drilling fluids engineer” with the severe skin allergy to clothing? Is a lifetime of gluten snacks, themed monopoly games, and orange mocha Frappuccino dates in line for one of the models vying for her heart (careful of the calories, boys)? There are so many questions floating around in our ginseng-addled minds, and only two short hours (plus, like, our entire summer) to figure it out.
And while we don’t really care what happens, because the show finished filming weeks ago, and Des is either happy as a clam with the hottie of her flaky biscuit-filled dreams, or else weeping and hate-hacking her front hair, we’re excited for the journey. Either way, it’s over for her, and just beginning for us. So, slap on an extra coat of strengthening top coat, put down the hot glue gun (we see that Sean Lowe-shaped dart board you’re making...), and buckle up for the most dramatic Monday of your week. It’s The Bachelorette Season 9, y’all, and it all starts tonight.
Welcome to Bachelor Mansion, B*tches
Well, that was quite the intro, eh? Looks like all of the punches we were waiting to land on The Bachelor Season 17 are finally coming.... But meanwhile, in this universe...
Des rolls up to her new pad in Malibu in a janky-ass car, tribal bag in hand. “I haven’t had the most extravagant life,” she says. No kidding, girl. That’s why you’re here. (Blessed count = 1).
“Is that the ocean, below.” “It purrs like a kitten.” Someone needs to pass the wine box, because the “grateful,” “hopefulness” for the future is almost too much for us.
“I can’t wait to meet 25 amazing men,” Des waxes. Uh, spoiler alert, Des, you’re not. We’ve seen some winners, but the hashtag guy has got to go. #sorrynotsorry.
“I feel like I’m on top of the world, and men are at my fingertips,” uh what metaphor is that? (Cinderella count: 1).
"When I do love, I give it all" Des spills. Sean Lowe take note. Somewhere, Catherine Giudici is like “SEE!?”
Sob Stories For Days
Poor, Will. He does bikram yoga, which is really sad. But Drew Kenney’s parents got divorced and he has a mentally handicapped sister. The true sob story, though? Nick Roy is a magician. Maybe next time, boys...
Oh wait, though, because Robert "Bobby" Graham invented sign spinning. Oh really? Because we invented post-it notes.
Is it just us, or does Des sound like she might have practiced these answers a few times? Perhaps while on the long, slow-motion ride home from The Bachelor...
Just a thought: could we maybe get a fatter Bachelorette next season? Because our wine keeps spilling out of this glass, thanks to a sudden need to hop on our pilates machine. Just think about it, ABC: the whole season can take place in the Winter, with lots of trendy polar fleece...
“I’m so excited" Des says, sounding like the least excited person ever.
Drew is the first out of the limo. Well played, ABC. “Mm mm mm.” Yup.
Brooks Forester tells Des he’s “excited to meet her a little more” after zero words. This is going to be a super awkward season.
Brad McKinzie says that Des “did a wish” during the last season and he brought a wishbone. Weak sauce.
Bryden Vukasin brings up Sean. Rookie mistake. “Enjoy,” Des says. Are we just saying words now? Yawn.
Kasey Stewart hashtags at Des, and it has the same effect on us as saying “LOL” IRL. #pleasestoptalkingyouaretheworst.
Jonathan Vollinger is gross. He has Zack Morris eyebrows, and not in a hot way. He tries to get Des into his “fantasy suite,” and, well, nope.
Luckily, there’s an antidote, and his name is Zak Waddell. We bet Zak’s abs will be the first Bachelorette body part to get its own Twitter handle. Chances are, Kasey will be home soon, and he can start it...
Oh god. The fairytale can officially begin, y’all, because Diogo Custodio is here to sort of talk while clomping around in his armor. Five bucks says a producer put him up to it for our amusement. Success.
Chris Siegfried faux proposes. Cute, but something tells us that joking about marrying Des isn’t the best way to start. “HAHAHA MARRYING YOU????”
Pool boy of our dreams, Juan Pablo Galavis schools Des on how to say his name. Suh. Suh. Suh. Woon.
Forget everyone else, because here comes Ben Scott and his son Brody. He gives Des a flower and then says “Did I do everything? I gave her the flower.” He fist bumps “I wish I could go to the party because it would be so fun with Dad.” Dying. Dying. Dying.
More Alcohol, Please
Magician slash tailor Nick pulls a “I’m going to do a magic trick” and sweeps her off to talk to her. And while it was pretty lame, we have to give him props. But sorry, slashie, it’s official, Larry Burchett is our favorite person. “I’m disappointed. I wanted to see a magic trick,” he pouts. Best. Reaction. Ever.
While the other guys fight to tell Des how pretty she looks, Ben does better. He pulls her aside to tell her about his life, and in the process, earns a rose. But don’t worry, boys, he has a lot of advice to offer. “My advice is, get a chance to talk to her, and then, um, talk to her.” Perfect.
These guys are really special. Brad does some dance moves, Brian wants to name a star after her... It’s like a seven-year-old’s birthday party up in Bachelor Mansion. You know, other than Zak’s nearly-nude pool jumping.
Bryden talks to her about Iraq, which is apparently her turn on, and so he gets a rose.
Juan Pablo “can just do whatever he wants and it comes off so natural” because, in Des’ words, “he’s just a dream of a man.” Yeah, except for the part where he doesn’t let her kick the ball...
"At this point, my biggest competition is... the remaining guys who don't have a rose." Mikey T, house philosopher says, deeply. Yeah, buddy. Good luck.
Larry spends his whole alone time saying awkward things. Is he hammered?
“When Jonathan first approached me with the fantasy suite card...” Maybe Dr. Larry will go with you? “My love tank has not been depleted for years.”
Rose Ceremony of Doom
Well, that was a lot. All you really need to know is that Mikey T has the best “waiting on a woman/rose” face ever, and Dr. Larry Burchett is terrifying.
So, who got cut? Well, though Dr. Larry practiced his intro 50 times (um, what), he couldn’t quite get there. Fail.
Also out? Micah, who dresses like we did when we were seven and Diogo, who actually seems sweet without the armor on. Magician Nick Roy is our saddest loss, since we were hoping he’d magic his way into Des’ heart. Poor guy is probably off somewhere, cruising Martha Stewart’s Match.com profile for tips. Oh yeah, and Mike R. Pro tip, buddy: You’re not a doctor, so lose the jacket, not the British accent...