Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney

Girrrrrl you don’t even know how excited we are for The Bachelorette Season 9 premiere with Desiree Hartsock, which airs at 8/7c on ABC TONIGHT, May 27, 2013. There will be tears, cocktails (by which we mean white wine spritzers), and some really deep stories about guys with lots of manmotions. Essentially, it’s going to be like the Monday we’ve been seeking our entire adult life.

And while we predict that things won’t go as well as planned for many of the guys who have been dreaming about this their whole spring, there are some things we know. Namely, we predict the words “fairytale,” “connection,” “oh my gosh,” and “blessing” will come up umpteen gazillion times, and thus we have some instructions for you. It’s called a drinking game. Basically, it goes like this: drink whenever you feel dizzy with glee / hatred / confusion / saccharine. It’ll do the trick. We promise.

Can’t stomach two hours of watching Des twirl, dream big, and plan for her future with one lucky guy? Well, that’s fine. We get it. You can follow along with our live blog and follow us on our Bachelorette Twitter handle for snarky excerpts of our gut reactions to the creepos we’re sure will be assaulting our eyes momentarily. Or, just skip it all and check out our Bachelorette Spoilers for all the deets that are (largely) fit to print.