Please form a prayer circle and join us as we sing "Kumbaya" to Brandon Andreen. We're so concerned about this tragic victim of Chris Harrison's perpetual Reign of Terror — in fact, we're even more traumatized by his behavior on The Bachelorette than we are about this week's Game of Thrones.
We knew Brandon was in for a rough episode when he was forced to slip into a nude thong during Desiree Hartsock's masochistic rap video, "Right Reasons," but nothing could have prepared us for him wandering over to Des and shoving his man parts in her face. We know Chris Harrison made you do it, Brandon, but if there's one thing we've learned from D.A.R.E, it's "just say no" to professional pimps. Hopefully, Desiree didn't accidentally get pregnant just from being in the general vicinity of Brandon's raging hormones.
Luckily for all us Brandon fangirls (there are others out there, right guys? Bueller?), Desiree felt sorry for our man and decided to keep him around for cocktail hour. However, Baby B once again spiraled into a chasm of hot messiness, the likes of which we've never seen.
First, Brandon gave a possibly-drunken interview with ABC's cameramen in which he said "love is like a butterfly you hold in your hand; if you hold it too loose, it'll fly away, and if you hold it too tight, it's gonna die." Poetry, guys. But then? Then Brandon squatted on a giant wall and peeped on Des making out with Ben Scott like some kind of voyeuristic bird of prey. Who knows how he got on said wall, but we assume he morphed into a butterfly (OMG, his favorite insect!) and flew there.
The good news is that we're relatively sure Brandon is on The Bachelorette for The Right Reasons (aka the title of Desiree's experimental music video / homage to the US of A's mentally unsound singletons). The bad news? We're worried he'll go on a crazy murder spree and kill all the butterflies in Bachelor Mansion as a result of loving them too hard.