Salutations, dear readers. It is time once again for us to revisit the idyllic hammocks where Desiree Hartsock’s man critters slumber like love butterflies waiting to hatch from their heart cocoons. In tonight’s episode, Desiree confronts the blurred lines of courtship, when one of the doz and a half men she’s dating is found out to be a wolf in micro-short clothing.
Chris Harrison shows his way-too-little-aired face (we miss you, Christopher. Come hang out more) as he has to Jerry Springer his way through a rough situation. Let’s all raise our craft beers to Herr Harrison for telling Des about the girlfriend waiting in the wings, and hope he does it in his usual gentle, rose-scented way. But Des isn’t the only one who’s going to be traumatized this episode.
We’ve been told that one contestant loses his cool when he isn’t invited to sniff around Des’s love bush for another week. Who cries, who says goodbyes, and whose lies catch up with him on Season 9 Episode 3? Put down your seltzer water and pick up your wine cooler. It’s time for The Bachelorette.
Part One: Love Is a Battlefield
So, Brandon has discovered headbands, which is great for everyone. The National Dodgeball League guys stoneface the dudes and everyone divides up to wave their arms like butterflies. Which is, charming. But quick aside guys: We might need to have a hair-tervention with Brooks, because his half-ponytail is bringing back all kinds of Orlando Bloom flashbacks, and not in a good way.
Chris Herr-ison arrives to split the ten guys into two teams. Desiree cackles to herself as she imagines the guys in their short shorts, playing for keeps/hearts/a date with her.
Des says it best when the dudes walk in: "It's just funny to watch the big guys in tiny shorts." Yep, like watching a pug walk around in heels. The boys come up with some pretty cute cheers (blue: Des Des you're dynamite, Des Des we'll see you tonight!).
Quote of the night: "you can't even hear the whiz of balls flying by your face." Thank you. There's a lot of "balls flying at my nose" talk and we can't help but think: What would Ambular do?
It's all fun and games until
Tierra Brooks breaks his finger. Des holds his hand, but the poor little nugget heads off to the hospital.
Wait, sorry, Zack Kalter wins with his quote "All I see is his ball hit the other ball and it explodes." Way to go, pal. But even though the blue team wins, Des brings all of them to the after party because "it's early." Read: She likes the red team better...
At the after party, Brad McKinzie calls out his ex as having drinking problems... while talking about his son. He explains that he got a restraining order for domestic violence, he has a kid, and he also might be a Ken doll (okay, that last part was our opinion). It's a lot more than Des probably expected on her alone time with him...
[Meanwhile, at the Mansion, it's date card time. Bryden says "heart Desiree" out loud, but the date goes to Kasey Stewart. Who is (surprise) afraid of heights. Meaning, this is gonna get steep.]
The guys steal Des off for alone time, and Chris Siegfried takes her off to the fantasy suite. Or, um, a rooftop helipad. Way to go, brosef.
Brooks rises from the dead to come in and he suddenly looks ridiculous in his outfit, and also sounds like he may be on painkillers. But we ignore all the ridiculousness of him still wearing his hospital bracelet when he says "Okay, kiss me." LOVE HIM. But even though he hobbled back onto the scene and repped it hard core, he doesn't get the rose — Chris does.
The concert is someone we don't know, Kate Earl, but she's great and now we need to own all her music. Chris and Des make out and it's like whoa where did this guy come from! He says "fairytale" so apparently he's been paying more attention to this than we have to him. Good talk. Good date. Good kiss. Next?
Part Two: Uh Oh Spaghettios
Chris Harrison calls Des and he has some "bizarre news" about one of the guys. Uh oh, y'all. This is gonna put a damper on her date with Kasey, no matter what happens. He's like "go to the house cuz shiz is bouts to get real." She Bentley's down to the house, and honestly, we wouldn't be driving in that condition. Because as sweet as Des looks, she's about to harness her secret (not really) Alabama roots to break this guy down. Watch out.
She pulls Brian Jarosinski aside in his pink shirt and Des grills him. Word is he has a girlfriend back home. "I just feel like we're at the place where I wanna spend time with you." She references their socially conscious rap video and he's like "oh, it's all good!"
And cue Chris Harrison and a hot Olivia Munn lookalike. Mmm paging Playmate Stephanie Larimore... Des acts classy and hugs her, cuz who runs the world? Girls who call out boys for being scheming, cheating liars... So, what's the whole story? We're about to find out. According to Brian, they broke up two months ago but should've broken up a lot sooner.
The boys are shocked that Brian has a girlfriend, and Steph is all casual "What brings you out there? You think you're capable of being her husband?" Dayum. This is rough. "Here I just thought you were doing something good for yourself... You invited me to come out to your 'business meeting.'" DUDE. This is worse than we could've imagined. She brings up her son Donovan, and we can just feel the tension that must've been hanging in the air while this was filmed.
Oh yeah, and here's the kicker: they slept together two days before he came out to film the show. Des kicks him to the curb (obvi) because bros before bro-hos. Ya heard.
A barrel-chested producer sends him upstairs to pack (Side note: how is their room that messy?!) and leave. They put Stephanie in a limo and she peaces out. Brian leaves in an unmarked van. Well played, ABC.
Des walks back in the room and is all "You better be straight forward right abouuuuuuut yesterday." They look at their feet and it's like "Uh, hey Kasey, ready for our date?" Poor dude. He and his purple shirt are already two strikes in...
Part Three: Turn the Beat Around
Brandon talks about Stephanie being a single mother and he's feeling all sorts of feelings, all over the kitchen. Don't cry butterfly! We'll hold you! (No, seriously, call us.)
Meanwhile, Kasey and Des head off for their date. How much of a damper would that whole thing put on your evening if you were them?
Des and her flesh-colored pants take Kasey to a building and she's like "So, I know you hate heights and you're bad at dancing, but we're going to dance on the side of a building." Sarah Herron called, she wants to warn you that this is the worst idea ever. There better be more than a glass of champagne and a game of Trivial Pursuit at the bottom, that's for sure.
"I think I peed my pants," Des informs us. Meanwhile, Kasey play-by-plays it all "We are tired and it is time for us to put our feet safely on the ground." We dream of enjoying a meal with him, because we're pretty sure he'd explain the components of each bite in a calming, well-enunciated way.
"There's no way we can sit here and have a good conversation..." No offense, Kasey. They sit on a rooftop and suddenly "It's a windstorm!" Kasey tells us. But because he's such a good sport, they kiss in the pool, even though it's freezing. They cuddle after. It's actually pretty cute, once you get past the fact that we're not sure if they have chemistry or not cuz we're so distracted by the building dancing and the windstorm and the costume changes. Anyway, Kasey gets a rose. And that's really what matters.
Part Four: Home, Home on the Range
Remember that time Des had to chug goat milk on her date with Sean Lowe? Well, let's hope she makes the boys drink some ruminant liquid on this date. "Her dress is beautiful. It's from the 1900s or something," one of the guys says. Uh, not a history major? Okay good talk...
"I'm gonna be the lone ranger after today," Zak Waddell ITMs to the camera. We're sure he really means it. But meanwhile, they're learning how to do stunts dressed as cowboys, thanks to the stunt coordinator from The Lone Ranger. The ad libbing when James Case playacts his scene is too much. We just can't.
While Des calls Bryden "dreamy," Juan Pablo speaks Spanish to the guys, and Dan Cox rips his pants. It's pretty much the most perfect date of all time. Des gives Juan Pablo the ranger badge, and the special time to watch the movie in a secret room.
Bryden kisses her some more, and it's a little awkward, but he's sweet. Zak gives Des a progress report: "Team player, great attitude." Definitely sportsmanship trophy coming her way. He also throws words around like "we're all in love with you" and "love drunk" and it's a lot. And though he mentions that he wanted to kiss her, we're not sure Des would've been into it. Especially considering they don't kiss after he says that... What do you think?
James and his super white teeth finally get a few minutes of screen time and he spends it talking about his dad. It's pretty sweet. Adorably, he checks in and says "Do you think I could be someone you want to be with?" To answer his question, she goes and gets the rose. Zak and his pink hipster blanket are sad.
James returns Des' rose with a daisy for her. And yeah, it's as cute as when Brody Scott gave her that wilted flower in the beginning. They make out. We're with you there, Des.
Part Five: It's My Pool Party and I'll Lie If I Want To
Ben hops in Des' car when she shows up to hang with the guys at a pool party, and honestly, if his black man tank top and pink shorts want to spend time with her, who cares? Oh, that's right, Mike G and Mikey T. As usual. They see him making out with her in the limo and get PISSED so they have to confront him. But really guys. Do they? To be fair, Ben lies to the guys and tells them he didn't have time with her, but whose business is it really?
Brandon really understands the point of a fun pool party. Oh wait, no, he doesn't. Instead he tells her he's falling in love with her. Even though they've never talked. Which is awkward. And then he kisses her. She's like "Oh. Okay." It's cool, Brando. We too have told guys we've never talked to that we love them. Pro tip: It always ends really well.
At the Rose Ceremony, Des shows off a blue dress she designed herself. Harrison swoops in fresh from his pedicure and brozillion, and looks fresh as the daisy James gave Des.
Bryden gets the first rose, thanks to being "dreamy." And Juan Pablo Spanishes his way to the second. Zak, dressed as a cater waiter, gets the third rose. Brandon has "never felt so confident," but Brooks is still the one getting the next rose.
Beautiful Drew gets a rose, as does our secret boyfriend Zack Kalter, daddy Braddy, Mike G (who is probably celebrating internally that he got one before Ben. But dude, button your jacket), Mikey T picks one up too. The only fellas left are Ben, Dan, and Brandon. Not so confident now, eh Brando? Tough, cuz Ben gets it.
"You're making a big mistake," Brandon says to Des. Sorry, dude. It only works when she says it. But because she's so sweet, Des goes after him to explain what chemistry is. Yikes. "I got my heart crushed by a hammer. And it's so terrible because I'm in love with Des," he says. YIKES. (Did we say that already?)
Well, that was a lot to take in. Have another glass of wine and remember that if Brandon "can't even cry," you're not allowed to either. See you next week in Atlantic City, where dreams come true.