Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney Photo: Kasey Stewart Holds Desiree Hartsock in The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 3

This week's Episode 3 of The Bachelorette was full of thrills, chills, evil wind gusts, and jaw-drops, in part because Desiree Hartsock spent most of her time lounging in a hot tub with a dozen plus naked hotties. We've rounded up the 5 biggest OMG moments for you to look back on, all of which might give you the sudden urge to face-plant into a pit of roses.

5. Brooks Breaks His Finger, Remains Hilarious

Everyone SHHHHHH. We're currently saying a prayer for Brooks Forester's finger, which was tragically broken in a freak ball play accident. This poor soul's appendage will never be the same thanks to the fact that it was crushed to smithereens by a sea of balls, and did you see him on that hospital gurney? Brooks was so pitiful in his short-shorts — though they didn't stop him from spreading his legs at the camera for no explicable reason. The good news? This dude managed to break out of the hospital and wander the streets of Los Angeles until coming across The Bachelorette's rooftop party, where his mutant finger lost no time fondling Desiree.

4. Brian Has a Girlfriend, We Shake Our Heads in Horror

Psssssst, guys? Turns out Brian Jarosinski has a dirty little secret. That he was doing the dirty with his secret girlfriend when he applied for The Bachelorette. Oh no he did not! Our ovaries went on red alert when Playboy Playmate, Stephanie Larimore, showed up at Bachelor Mansion and finger-wagged herself silly at Brian — but the best part? When Chris Harrison snapped his fingers and was all "Uhm, Paulie?" and then that adorable man in a newsboy cap came wandering onto the scene. Was he a bodyguard? Was he a paid actor? Was he some tragic reject from Newsies? Who knows, but we hope he b*tch-slapped Brian with his hat.

3. Brandon Drops the L-Word... Des Deflowers Him

Brandon's body is a wonderland full of emotions and muscle, and he just wants Desiree to love him. Sure, Des is a total stranger who he's known for approximately three weeks, but their love is like a butterfly bursting forth from a terrifying cocoon. Unfortunately, Desiree was totally creeped out when Brandon declared his feels and shoved his tongue down her throat, leaving girlfriend no choice but to deflower him like a virgin... crushed for the very first time. Poor Brandon. Let's just hope he doesn't go on some crazy rose-murdering revenge spree.

2. Desiree Makes Out with Juan Pablo, Causes Us to Feel Weird

Desiree's tongue just can't stop licking randoms, and this week she was all "speak Spanish in my mouth, Juan Pablo!" These two got hot ‘n heavy while sitting in a terrifying barn (we assume a bunch of perverted cows were watching off camera), and let's just say Juan Pablo's kissing skills were nothing short of miraculous. In fact, it's entirely possible that Desiree accidentally got pregnant from their makeout session and is currently housing Juan Pablo's love child in her womb — that's how virile this man is.

1. Ben Is a Compulsive Liar / Secret Genius

We're starting to feel iffy about Ben — and not just because of the horrifying tank top that he clearly borrowed from Ryan Bowers, and then rocked during this week's pool party / mating ritual. Ben has started lying to his fellow teammates, who have in turn started spying on him. (Seriously, Mike and Mikey should just change their names to Harriett.) We get that Ben wants to keep his relationship with Desiree private, but his ability to lie is somewhat concerning. The eternal question? Is Ben here for THE RIGHT REASONS? We don't know, because Soulja Boy won't tell us.

BONUS: Mike Garofalo Opens A Pickle Jar While Shirtless

No further explanation necessary, just bask in this wonderful mental image.