Atlantic City: The Happiest Place on Earth?

Credit: Lou Rocco/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney

It’s time once again for The Bachelorette and our girl Desiree Hartsock is ready for love when she takes her doz-en-one boys to Atlantic City in Season 9 Episode 4. What’s in store for our First Lady of Love? Well, we’re hoping she’s gonna paint on her best nude colored leggings lobster print clam diggers for her East Coast debut, as she shepherds the toe-cleavage sporting boys around the boardwalk.

Which of Her Little Ponies will prance his way to victory in the first (and hopefully last) ever Mister Bachelorette America 2013 Shameless Chris Harrison is Hosting Miss America in September Don’t Forget Plug contest ever? We bet a bottle of tropical room spray that it’s whomever can most convincingly wear a visor without looking too much like a card dealer. It is New Jersey, after all, home of the GTL fist bumping hall of fame. Bow down.

Tonight’s episode also features an electrical love storm when one contestant has a surprise phone call that will shake the reality we’ve all signed up to live in. But while Des is still weeks away from revealing who will poach her eggs, we’re only moments away from a night of tears, shocking revelations, and the most dramatic pizza delivery of our week.

Part One: Journey to Jersey

Chris Harrison walks in and is all "pack your bags and get ready for a well-rounded airplane meal!" They all yell in excitement about their Jersey destination, and then pack onto a terrifying plane. For those of you who were questioning whether this "reality" is real... Well, look how excited they are to go to New Jersey. #truth

"It's basically like Las Vegas on the ocean," Kasey Stewart hashtags.

A novelty post-it / date card arrives, and all the boys cross their fingers that it's for them, but it's human Ken doll Brad McKinzie who gets the card instead. How did we not notice how pretty he is until now?  

Zak Waddell SWFs Brad and Des' date, imagining all the things that happen on the carousel they're on. Clearly dude has watched Fear too many times... Okay, so maybe that was a roller coaster, but amusement parks are a sensitive subject to him.

Meanwhile, on their date, they eat some taffy, eat some chocolate, and eat dinner instead of flirting. Mostly because the best thing Des sees in Brad is that he's "responsible." Yikes. "Dinner is great," Des says unenthusiastically. You know the date is bad when they actually eat the food. 

Then, uh, they climb a billion stairs. And once they get to the top, Des dumps him. We'd be more pissed about the forced cardio than not getting the rose... But the most awkward part of Des telling him that she's just not that into him? Um, the walk back down. Let's hope she gives him a head start.  

(Wanna know what else happened with Brad on the show? It's huge. Check it here

Part Two: Des Lets a Hot Girl Near Her Men

Eleven guys get ready to show off their talents, legs, and quick-thinking skills in a pageant, led by Miss America and His Herr-ison.

"Des is like a unicorn," Brooks Forester says. Uh. It's the girliest thing of the night until Mike Garofola reveals his secret pageant dreams. Annnd then Chris Siegfried asks for Des' help to strap on a pair of shiny stilettos. Meanwhile, Drew Kenney practices a Romeo & Juliet scene, Zak reveals he's going to take Des on a rollercoaster write a song for her even though he can't play the guitar... It's a mess.

The real test of the night is whether Des still wants to give any of these guys a rose at the end... 

Miss America quizzes the guys on things like personality traits, problems, and how much they hate answering questions while smiling.

The swimsuits roll out and it's just a fermented mess of chevron prints and Speedos. Mikey Tenerelli talks about showing off his very special hidden talent, and we are terrified. #ThingsYouCantUnsee. 

While some random guy slathers the guys' abs with some sort of artisan olive oil, Harrison introduces the night to the giant crowd of people who have no idea how much they're about to be scarred.

The interview questions begin. Answers include: fire, giver, "most women see men as their bodies," "we cry inside," "we like long walks on the beach," and "I'm tired of being a piece of meat." So, everyone wins.  

The hidden talents portion involves Bryden Vukasin pelvic thrusting at the mustachioed mayor, Zak actually doing a good job singing (don't know why we're surprised. Apologies.), and Mikey proving that he can't hear the words coming out of his mouth when he turns from sensitive words to pec boppin. 

Kasey Stewart gets the win for his tap dancing and because he learned to stop hashtagging. Zak is first runner up. 

At the after party, the guys are worried about getting alone time with Des. We're worried that Chris and his see-through pink shorts are getting into water. It's awkward.

Meanwhile, Ben Scott manages to piss the guys off some more, Chris recites poetry, and Zak proves that sometimes you should just sing one song and leave it alone. But apparently that works for Des, cuz she gives him the rose. 

The camera cuts away to Bryden talking about how hanging with Des leaves a "bad taste in his mouth." Bold statement for someone currently wearing a neon yellow bike jersey with a mock turtleneck detail.  

Part Three: This Is Not a Normal Date By Any Means

James Case gets the 1-on-1 date, to check out the way Hurricane Sandy impacted the coastline. So, this is going to be depressing. "This roller coaster used to be a sign of joy. But now it's destroyed. But there's an American flag at the top, and it's a sign of hope," James emotes like a champ. If anything, he should get the rose just for that line. In all seriousness, this is a devastating visual display that has probably never been seen by most people.

Unfortunately for James and us, it's hard to fall in love and make the day about getting to know someone when you're not focused on each other. Luckily, Des and James seem like the types to intuit everything about one another just from a glance. So, there's that. 

The helicopter takes them to Seaside Heights, and rather than Pauly D, they meet up with the cutest couple of all time. They share their story of devastation with Des and James, and we can't help but fall in love with them the way we did with Sean Lowe's parents.  

The couple tells us about missing their anniversary because of Sandy, so Des hooks them up with their date instead. But considering we've heard that Darius Rucker — AKA Hootie without the Blowfish — is playing, we're wondering who's really missing out here... 

Manny and Jan have dinner and they're cute but, uh, has anyone else noticed that they've now surpassed Drew for amount of screen time so far? 

Somehow, on Des and James' date, she spins his story about how he cheated on his ex into a positive: "I admire his honesty." Uh. Nope. Not everything needs to be a part of the monogrammed towel #fairytale you're dreaming of.

And speaking of broken dreams, part two of the date is that Hootie is playing. "It's a date that we'll never forget." Yeah, us either, Des. Gah. He gets the rose because Des likes kissing him.  

Part Four: Pack Your Bags, Son

During the cocktail party, Bryden is all "I think my feelings have fallen behind. I don't know if I want a rose." Well, to the left, then.

Ben Scott shows up in a butter yellow shirt, with one too many buttons undone. Fact: He picked that shirt in case they flew to 1987 instead of New Jersey.

Mike G does one of those things where he names letters and then words and it's exactly as awkward as that description was.

Chris and Des hang and she says that he's a great friend. And then they kiss. Because, as we all know, "Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark."

Bryden tells Des about his feelings and, honestly bro? What is she supposed to say? "Man up or go home." So, do that.  

You hear that boys? Chris Harrison says "If you hear your name, step forward and accept the rose." It's not your choice, mmkay? It's Desiree's. Got it? Good. Moving on.

Chris "Friend Zone" Siegfried gets the first rose, followed by Brooks and Juan Pablo. Dear producers — if you cut Juan Pablo in a Speedo ever again, we will permanently switch to watching The Voice on Monday nights (even if it's not in season). Next up, Drew , Mike G, Ben "Miami Vice" Scott get roses. 

There's one rose left, and since Bryden accepted the rose, only Zack Kalter and Mikey T are left. Which is BS because Mikey gets it and Zack goes home. WRONG CHOICES DESIREE! Have you seen Zack? Nope, neither have we because he's NEVER SHOWN. Add that to our list of grievances. Meanwhile, we have a plane to catch to Southern California. Don't worry, Zack, we'll dry your tears!

The end. Next up: they're headed to Munich for sausage.