Desiree Hartsock is worth her weight in Deutsche Marks (or Euros, whatever), and so it’s no surprise she’s decided to put her money where her mouth is and take her boys to Munich for Season 9 Episode 5 of The Bachelorette. While we’re worried about the impending eliminations, our greatest concern lies in using all of the “sausage fest” jokes we’ve been storing up in the perfect way.
On this, just another Munich Monday, Des’s boys take to the hills for a dialysis for the soul in the crisp air. And we bet all the coleslaw in our COLESLAW FOOD bucket that after tonight, there’s going to be a new jabberwocky to contend with in Des’s boy brood. Who? You’ll have to watch and find out what we’re yammering about. The saucy minx will definitely get her fill of drama, no translation needed.
Is this the most dramatic episode yet? Will Des and her Deutschbags class up Europe the way the Jersey Shore cast never could? Is someone going to bring us another glass of Gewurztraminer, like, asap? All these questions will be answered tonight.
Part One: Munich Is a Nice City, You Know
The boys arrive in Munich and are impressed by, literally, everything. Dankushane indeed, boys. Chris Harrison is wearing some custom cologne and a scarf doubtless from his menswear line. Great fringe, Harrison.
Is it just us that think there might be a little something menacing to the way he says "two of you will go out, only one of you will come back" from the 2-on-1 date? Paging Tierra's hypothermia rescuers: you're on call.
The hotel is "one of the nicest in Germany," Ben Scott says, since he is apparently now a travel agent.
Chris Siegfried gets the 1-on-1 and we're pretty stoked to finally get to see him eat sauerkraut or whatever. Let's just hope they get good and drunk on Pilsner, considering the slightly awkward way this has started.
While Des and Chris are clumsily speaking German, likely using a map to try and find the nearest Lululemon store, Bryden Vukasin decides he hates fun, and needs to leave, like, YESTERDAY. So, he tells the boys he's outie and goes off to find Des and interrupt her lederho-down. WTAF, Bryden. How do you get through a week in Atlantic City and not want to hang out in Germany?
He looks for the nearest Taylor Swift Doppleganger to ask for directions to the television cameras, and SWFs Des and Chris as they dance like dorks in a square. Not creepy at all. Bryden interrupts the date and Chris takes it a lot better than Des who exasperatedly asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Right????
"I'm looking for someone I can know 100% and I'm not quite there yet," he says after spending like five minutes there. What a waste of a plane ticket.
Des cries a little, but luckily she has Chris's willing arms ready to tuck her into his mumu and tell her everything is alright.
Meanwhile at the house, Ben Scott and Mike Garofola get the 2-on-1 and Mike pledges to "convict" Ben of being a fraud. He's going to "Murder Ben." In the immortal words of Steven Patrick Morrissey, "Armageddon — come Armageddon / How I dearly wish I was not here."
Back on Chris's date, they go to a castle and Des says she feels like a "princess" and then Chris reads her a poem she wrote at 2:45. He's really excited to be here because he "doesn't have to worry about brushing his teeth." What? Obvi that's her type, because he gets a rose.
Clearly they've been drinking the same tear-flavored water, because Chris calls the concert with Matt White (no, you don't know who that is either) an "epic" "fairytale."
Part Two: YODELEHEE Who Gets the Group Date Rose?
Drew Kenney crashes into Desiree after a mercifully short yodeling lesson, while the group sleds down a Black Diamond mountain. ABC must have some seriously excellent insurance, that's all we have to say...
"This is the happiest place on earth," a poor addled Des says.
Back at the house, Chris hangs with Ben and Michael. Were not sure who has it the worst here, but we're gonna go with Chris. "Michael and Ben. Let's heat things up exclamation point."
They sit in an igloo, and are all "You would never see what is in the mound of snow and know there's something inside." It's potential, guys. For a fairytale love.
Mikey Tenerelli takes Des aside to play with balls... of snow and his answers to her simple questions are astoundingly bad. One might even say "unbelievable," to borrow his favorite word of the day. He just fumbles around for a while, trying to answer her question about moving to Chicago or whatever. It's like Miss Utah is the 9th person on this date.
Despite James Case saying "I've missed you" a whole bunch of times, he really doesn't say much else. Yet, he's still surprised when Brooks Forester gets the group date rose. Des's reasoning? He didn't rely on snowmen and pilates abs to get her attention. He's just fun and awesome. Way to go, Brooky.
Part Three: Collared Shirts and Deutschbaggery
Ben and Michael go off on their 2-on-1 and it's all trial talk from Michael, while Ben tries to make small talk with the driver. "Ben will be found guilty of fraud and Southern gentleman impersonation," Michael says of his "trial tactics."
Des sums it up: "Today is going to be extremely awkward." Sounds like our average date. Let's hope the flasks they're drinking of are just full of Jager. They're going to go on the polar bear plunge, because Des didn't have enough of that last season, or whatever. We didn't think this date could get any worse. But JK! They're actually going on a hot tub boat, so they can add "psoriasis" to their list of ailments acquired on this journey.
On the boat, Michael calls Ben out for being an "absentee father" and we're putting money on which contestant jumps in the lake first. Afterwards, the trio heads to a murder cabin for murdering. Who will get thrown under the chalet? Uh, we're guessing it'll be Ben. Michael continues his line of questioning, and Ben's all "I have a number of acquaintances." Remember? He's only not here to make friends.
Des interrupts the fight by saying that she doesn't really give a sh*t if Ben likes the other guys, considering the show is all about Des.
[Back at the house, Kasey Stewart and Drew Kenney apparently had a conversation with James in which Mr. Case revealed he's trying to be the next Bachelor. Drew has decided to confront him and tell Des. So, the awkwardness is nowhere close to over.]
Michael continues to grill Ben about his words. When Ben says he wants his kids to have great faith, Michael points out that Ben was the only person who didn't go to Mass on Easter. Ben peaces out and Des calls Mike out for his inappropriate timing. To be fair, this is literally Michael's last chance to tell Des how it is. It's not like he was going to get time at a cocktail party later...
Des goes after Ben, and Ben is super slick, saying he's never had his faith or father-ness questioned, and she's satisfied with his answer.
When she grabs Michael for some alone time, we're worried Ben will fill his wine glass with simple syrup. #diabeetus. She asks Mike some leading questions about why he's calling Ben out, but eventually gives the rose to (drumroll please) Michael!
On his limo out, Ben talks MAD smack, saying he would've been the next Bachelor, he is heading to Hollywood, he can't wait to get drunk in Munich, and he is going to be bedding someone approximately right now. Let's hope the limo driver is a dude.
Part Four: In Which Des's Interview with Chris Harrison Is the Best Part of the Show
We're still focused on Ben, so here's a quick breakdown on what Des and Chris discussed.
If Des could kiss one guy, it would be: Brooks Forester, because she has a connection with him
If she could full-on makeout with someone: Zak Waddell, because he's a good kisser
She doesn't want a cocktail party, which is just alcohol abuse in action.
Meanwhile, the guys are like "our ears had to hear" about James and all sorts of justice. It's a justice-themed night.
At the Rose Ceremony, Mikey and his checked shirt don't get a rose. That'll teach him to double up prints and skip the tie...
But Drew can't get over the fact that James is a "snake in the grass piece of sh*t." Comin' in hot, eh stranger? Yikes.
Mikey does some math on his way out "She just has eight other guys to figure out, and I'm not one of them." We'll truly miss you, pal.
"I know the truth. The truth will be heard," Drew leaves us with his wise words.
Next week: Barcelona and more kissing.