Please grab a thing of paella and settle in for another evening of "awkward cultural traditions" as presented by The Bachelorette. This week, Desiree Hartsock took her tribe of señores to Spain, where they explored the wilds of Barcelona, ate adorably tiny bites of food, and said things like "¡Ole!" for no explicable reason. All we know is that the situation in Des' harem was even more dramatic than a Telemundo soap opera, and a whopping three amigos took a permanent siesta from girlfriend's brothel of brosefs!
Mr. Kenney Gets His Nancy Drew On — And Nabs a Rose!
Drew and Desiree finally went on a date this week — and spent most of said date wandering around Barcelona,trying not to catch any diseases from the public trough that Chris Harrison forced them to drink out of. It was a joy to watch — and don't even get us started on Drew's tapas-induced emotional breakdown, in which he chatted about his alcoholic father who has cancer. It's like, way to make us sob, Drew. The tortilla chips we're currently binging on just got a whole lot saltier... from our tears.
But if you think Drew is too man-motional for Desiree, think again. This guy busted out his romantic side by dragging Des into some dank alley, pressing her against a wall, and shoving his tongue down her throat. Yeah, it was kinda gross, and yes, we feared Des would be accosted by some random street urchin — but don't worry. Drew decided to take a break from macking on Des to inform her that James is totally evil, a revelation that caused Des to love him even more and caused ABC's editors to insert extremely ominous flamenco music into the show. Oh, and Drew got the rose. Looks like his investment in the Ralph Lauren Nerd Collection totally paid off.
Group Date Battle of the Sexes: Who Balled the Best?
As we all know, Desiree likes sports and it's just like ughhhhh. How much more can Brooks' tender pinkie fingers take, right guys? Haven't they been through enough!? Anyway, Desiree decided to make her men play soccer against an entire lady team of professionals this week, and yeah. Watching the whole thing go down was like being in Feminist Studies 101 all over again, except this time we burned Lululemon hoodies instead of bras.
As you might expect, Juan Pablo kicked ass, Brooks frolicked around like the tiny dancer that he is, James was iced out because — spoiler alert — everyone still hates him, and Chris and Des had an impromptu poetry slam in girlfriend's chamber of secrets. We can't even transcribe the poem because our fingers literally won't let us. #toobeautifultotype.
Thing is, Drew was so kerfuffled by the whole James thing, she decided not to give out a group date rose. That'll teach em. (Spoiler alert: nope.)
Zak and Des Get Cava Cozy — Did He Draw Her In?
Shhhhhh, everyone. SHHHHHH. Desiree and Zak made art together this week, and it's time to respect their craft. Also, by "made art" we mean they doodled their feelings in the form of pictures — oh, and they painted some terrified nude dude, who was presumably forced to strip by Chris Harrison's evil minions.
Anyway, Desiree and Zak are basically undiscovered geniuses, a fact that they celebrated over a romantic dinner in a cave — you know, just in case Desiree decided to deflower Zak and leave his carcass to be feasted upon by bats.
The good news? Zak won Desiree's heart after a beautiful conversation all about their mutual love for adventure, and he scored the rose!
The bad news? We forgot to mention that Zak felt the need to model for Des — though thankfully he didn't unleash his inner Rose DeWitt Bukater.
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode: James vs. The World
In case you'd forgotten, last week Drew and Kasey overheard James' sinister plot to hook up with a bunch of ladies on a boat (seamen style) and take the Bachelor throne. How. Dare. He.
Clearly, dude needed to be put in his place, and the person who did the putting? None other than Kasey, who opened an entire can of #whoopass all over James during the group date afterparty. Please enjoy the following quotes from their fight, care of James: "It's HEARSAY," "You don't understand me," and "What-the-f— ever, dude."
Naturally, Des found out about James' evil scheme (Soulja Boy invaded Kasey's body and told her), so she sat him down for some real talk and he vehemently denied any wrongdoing. The really crazy part? Des and James ended up bonding over their tears and feelings, and she got all sensitive about everyone being too overprotective of her.
Fine, Des, next time we'll just let some beefcake take advantage of you. Whatever. You're welcome for nothing.
Who Went Home?
Please bid farewell to Kasey, James, and Juan Pablo, all of whom were tragically deflowered during this week's Rose Ceremony (that's right, James was ousted despite winning back Des' trust!). We'll pray that you made it home safely, friends, though frankly, the odds aren't in your favor.
Quote of the Night
Brooks tries to smack talk the women’s soccer team, fails: "Listen girl scouts, we're about to bake some cookies."
Next Week on The Bachelorette
Desiree and her five remaining gents hit up Madeira, Portugal, during the July 8 episode of The Bachelorette. Des will go on three 1-on-1s as well as a group date — and get this! Her Bachelor Season 17 sista-friends will pay her a surprise visit for some girly advice!