Oh, ABC, you tricky, tricky charlatans, making a “week 7” promo spliced together out of a billion Bachelorette island scenes so we can’t tell what’s going to happen to whom and how. Here’s what we do know: These contestants are very well-hydrated, because good lord do they have a lot of tears. Desiree Hartsock must’ve listed her type as “emotionally available” and left it at that.
In the 2+ minute promo, Des, Michael Garofola, Zak Waddell, Brooks Forester, Chris Siegfried, and Drew Kenney flit around some island mountains and beaches and skies. But whether the quotable words are uttered in Madeira, where Episode 7 takes place, or Antigua where the finale is, is unclear.
That said, we did our best to explain what’s happening at each moment. A few things to notice: Chris Siegfried gets by far the most screen time, a ring appears, some guys leave. Check it out and then enjoy rewinding the promo eight bajillion times to check for more clues. Find something else? Tell us. We’re all tears. Er, ears...
Des gives the boys a geography lesson.
Des flies on a helicopter with Chris Siegfried and talks about her fairytale. Oh hey guys, she’s looking for love. Didja hear?
Des rides horses, presumably with Chris, and kayaks, meaning she has now exercised more in three seconds than we have all year.
Des and Brooks represent their feelings with fireworks. Love is like fireworks. Baby, you’re a firework.
Chris and Des are on a boat, b****.
Michael gets one second of alone time with Des.
Des and Chris make out on a beach.
Crying. So much crying.
Drew seems to tell Des he might peace out. Something about an offer to meet 25 other girls. JK, but seriously, this is where it gets fuzzy: Is this Antigua or Madeira? He’s wearing a different shirt, so we’re thinking it’s the former.
Des tells Michael about himself: You’re so passionate. Translation: You sure yell a lot...
Des makes out with Chris on a mountain top.
Des kisses Zak and some other guys. Zak says he loves her.
Drew tells Des he’s falling for her. Uh oh, buddy, Zak totally one upped you.
Des wants love.
Brooks and Des yell “We’re on Cloud Nine!” which isn’t quite “I love this woman!” but close.
Des feels more and more complete with every tender kiss. It’s like a fairytale.
Des pretty cries like a champ.
Harrison leaves the spa to step in and do his job: Not letting the lead quit.
So much crying. A van leaves with someone in it, Brooks paces around, and we’re pretty sure it’s Brooks who cry-talks “worst day of my life.”
A ring appears, like a shiny beacon of hope, in the manicured fingers of a remaining man. So, Herr Roses fixed everything after all. See? Daddy will make it better.
Questioning. Everything. Everyone. Cars leave, each containing a guy. Uh. Great job making us think it’s all going to end TERRIBLY, ABC.
Des cries into her hand, saying she wants to go home. Yikes. We start ugly crying in response.